Poor Japan Man

I just arrived in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.  I had an awesome seat on the aircraft:  I was flying in Buisness Class on Emirates Airlines in the 6 row, which has additional leg room.  I had an Indian (from India) riding next to me.  My ‘sniffer’ is quite sensative so I was pleased to smell he had no scent.  I’ve flown next to many Indians from India in the past, and it ALWAYS turned into a party so I was happy to see my seat mate.   A steward (I know this is probably an incorrrect thing to say because if you call a ‘stewardess’ as such, they flip out because of the women’s freedom movement…what was it called…anyway, they freak out and tell you they are a flight attendant…) approached Indian Man and asked if he was willing to change seats with someone due to an error on the part of the airline; he said he was.  I closed my eyes, and prayed to Allah, God, a Hindu cow, my forefathers, and a statue I once saw on a National Geographic  program which was filled with topless women dancing around in circles when I was 12.  I prayed and prayed for a woman; I believe I have pissed off the Gods for some reason because I received a stinky man from Uganda. 

I have heard in the past that Uganda is a place filled with natural waterfalls.  The question I have is WHY IN THE FUCK DOESN’T THE UNGANDAN GOVERNMENT EQUIP THE WATERFALLS WITH BARS OF SOAP??!!  For the love of all that’s holy!!!!   Take a shower for your gods’ sake and the sake of the man beside you or the woman who’s pissed because you just called her a ‘Stewardess’!!! 

The Ugandan who sat beside me not only had body odor, but it was obvious he saturated himself in cologne (I can’t spell English words for shit, but I get the foreign ones correct…what’s up with that?) in an attempt to mask his stench which is forever lodged within the inner cells of my sniffing membranes. 

My ‘sniffer’ is extremely sensative.  Lots of perfumes (FYI – most forigners also refer to cologne as ‘perfume’) set off my sniffer senses like nobody’s tomorrow.  I immediately got a headache.   As we left the runway, I tapped the Ugandan who continually invaded my person space with newspapers and magazines.  I told him, "I have a strange request.  Did you see the two pills I took as we sat on the tarmac?"  He replied, "Yes."  I said, "They are for allergies.  My nose is an intollerant one, and I would greatly appreciate if you would go to the toilet and wash off your cologne as soon as we are aloft.  The pills didn’t work, and I have a headache."  He said, "I wondered why you were breathing through your blanket.  I’m sorry, but it’s a body spray…it’s also on my clothes and under them.  I know I put it on a bit strong."  A BIT STRONG???!!!  YOU CHECKED IN TWO HOURS AGO!!!  WTF???  I didn’t say that, but instead told him that I was going to request re-assignment.

As soon as we were aloft, I approached a FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT (snicker…haha!!) and explained the situation to her.  I told her, "Look…the man stinks.  He attempted to mask his odor by using body spray.  Look at my eyes…they are running.  I don’t want to shaft someone else with his odor…do you have an empty seat?"  She giggled, and said, "We are full, but I’ll find you another seat." 

The Thai flight attendant, who possessed the accent of a Thai girl raised in British India, returned and said she’d found a replacement for me:  The poor Japan Man.  Poor bastard.  I know the war ended years ago, but I’m sure he was thinking for the next four hours to Dubai was – ‘WTF?!  The war ended YEARS ago!!  Why is that man doing this??!!  Perhaps I should drive my motorscooter into his luxury sedan!’ 

I was relocated next to an older American Professor.  She is currently teaching other professors in and around the Middle East.  She had a lovely personality and about 50+ years of travel stories behind her belt, but that is another story…