Horse’s Ass

I know that this may seem like a real shock to the people who actually know me in real life, but I acted like a horse’s ass this morning.  I know…I know…I know what all of you who actually know me are thinking at the moment:  ‘THERE IS no WAY RANDY COULD EVER ACT LIKE A HORSE’S ASS!’  What can I say…I’m sorry I let so many people down while acting in a manner which is TOTALLY unlike me.     Here is what happened…

Right after I left my hotel this morning, I happened upon a lady who was hiring out motorscooters and bicycles.  Bear in mind that I have been riding motorcycles for most of my life…since age 14 or so.  I first enjoyed dirt bikes, then touring bikes, and finally discovered the horsepower of the cafe racers.  I LOVE riding.  In my humble opinion, I am probably a much better motorcycle driver than I am a car driver…and I’m considered to be a pretty good car driver.  I have been to all of the schools for motorcycles…basic rider’s course…advanced…dirt driving…all that is offered.  I attended TWO…not one, but TWO driving ranges where the riders are pushed to their limits.  I am very good.  Then Vietnam happened. 

When I happened upon the lady, I told her where I wanted to go and asked how long it would take to get to my destination; she said about 20 minutes.  She suggested that I hire one of her scooters and enjoy the ride; "Ok" I said.  I straddled the 125cc beast of a scooter as I listened to her driving instructions as much as I listen to the crash instructions right before take-off on an airplane.  She finally freed me.  I applied a bit of gas and promptly ran over three parked bicycles.  LOL!!!  It wasn’t that I simply ran over them.  I think an ordinary driver would have dumped the scooter upon impacting the first bike…but not me!  haha!!!  I feel like such an ass!  The bikes were standing erect upon initial contact.  When I hit the first one, the ‘domino effect’ occurred and all three fell to the ground.  ‘ASSAULT THROUGH THE OBJECTIVE’ seemed to be running through my mind as I gunned the gas and plowed over all three bikes.  Riders on other scooters began beeping their horns.  Local store employees began laughing loudly and cheering.  I was SOOOO freeking embarassed!  I just returned to my hotel after spending the day at the beach; I was recognized by all of the local people.  Prior to coming to the hotel, I stopped to see a girl I’m sweet on who works at a restaurant about 20 minutes walk time away; she asked me, "Did you run over several bicycles this morning?"  LOL!!!!  I asked her how in the hell she heard about it, and she said her friend workds at the hotel where I’m staying and called her to tell her the horse’s ass story immediately after it happened.  Nutty.

Today I went to Cua Dai Beach, which is also know as China Beach…the destination for G.I.’s during the war.  I believe I felt more relaxed today that I have felt in many years.  I hung out at a restaurant on the beach with the family who owns/operates it.  I swam for a bit in the ocean…odd for me since I am normally too freaked out to swim in open water…very odd since I love to scuba dive but just can’t swim on the surface.  I had two lovely meals while there…all sea food.  I had a clam soup which is quite possible the best tasting morsel ever to have passed through my lips.  The two daughters of the joint asked me if I wanted to go to the market with them, and I agreed…both are extremely sweet and very good looking.    Shortly after we arrived at the market, I discovered that they most likely asked me along because they viewed me as a ‘cash cow’ foreigner and expected me to purchase clothing for them.  In the fashion that few are capable of, I popped smoke.  When they entered into a side store, I hauled ass and escaped.  Too bad really…I had a lovely afternoon with them. 

I don’t know what was sooo relaxing about China Beach.  I’m normally not a ‘beach guy’.  I don’t like the heat.  I don’t like being brown.  I dig the chicks in bikinis, but I loathe the European men wearing Speedos.  Ken will attest that I NEVER swim in open water unless I have an oxygen tank on my back.  But something about the place…don’t know what…it was extremely relaxing. 

Chapstick.  I need loads of it.  On this trip, I have more than made up for the time I have spent NOT kissing women over the past couple of years.  God how I love kissing!  haha! 

The trip up north…

When I was in Hue on Day 2, I went to the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone).  This was not a very good trip at all.  The places we went to included Dong Ha town, Doc Mieu fire base, Hien Loung Bridge, Ben Hai River, Cua Tung Beach, Vinh Noc Tunnels, Ethnic Minority Village, Dakrong Bridge, Ho Chi Minh Trail, Rock Pile, and Khe Sahn Combat Base.  

Most of the trip was spent on the bus.  We would ride past various places as the tour guide would say, "Now we are passing <such and such>…"  It sucked.  What sucked the most was that there was no aircon on the bus!  Remember what I wrote yesterday?  How I was assurred that the bus would be good?  The thing was ancient.  Then there was Japan Man.

Japan Man was riding next to me.  You know how when you’re on an airplane and the door is about to close?  Everyone has found their seat, and you are TOTALLY relieved that the seat next to you is empty?  Then…at the last possible moment…a person runs onto the plane and finds his way into the seat you thought would be empty for the duration of the flight?  Then it turns out the person has body odor?  This is what happened to me yesterday…X10! ha!

Japan Man didn’t have body odor.  He was the last person on the bus.  I thought that I would have two seats to myself.  When he sat, I wasn’t sure if he had a skin disorder or was ‘flaking’ as a result of too much sunlight exposure; large pieces of dead flesh were peeling from his face.  Absolutely nasty.  No excuse for it.  For god’s sake man!- use a damn brillo pad on your freeking face prior to entering into a public arena!  Christ!  Don’t they have ‘chore boy’ in Japan?!  So the bus began rolling…with no aircon…

I reached over and slid open the window next to Japan Man.  I was able to breathe, but did so haltingly because I KNEW the skin from his face was exfolliating and blowing in my direction…filling my lungs with the dead facial flesh of a foreigner…nasty!  Then he did the inconceivable:  He actually pulled a large section of dried skin from his mullet, extended his arm in the direction of the window as though he wanted to relase it into the great beyond…relased the skin, which flew back onto me!  For those of you who don’t know me very well, I am a bit…I don’t know…I’m a unique being when it comes to things like detached hair, skin, and so on.  It tot

ally freaks me out.  I looked at Japan Man, and said, "Ok…Listen…You MUST stop!  Stop peeling off your skin!  Stop trying to throw it out the window!  Just stop!"  The hell happened…he looked at me with a serious face, and asked in VERY broken English, "What do you say?"  LOL!!  I told him, "You just lost the window seat, boss.  Stand up.  Stand up."  We switched seats and rode in silence.  Poor me?  Poor Japan Man?  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings…but COME ON!  Dead flesh?!  But there is more…

After changing seats with him, he suddenly tired and felt compelled to sleep…on me.  Being a person who cannot sleep on public transportation systems, I was SO reluctant to wake his sorry ass up…but I did.  I don’t know his personal hygiene habits…and his hair was touching me!  I woke him up four times.  On the fifth time, I asked, "Sir…I do not like you sleeping on me.  I have asked you four times not to sleep on me.  What do I have to do to get you to STOP sleeping on me?"  When we exited at the next location, he got back on the bus, and said, "I am awake! <laughter> I no sleep more! <laughter>"  Not a funny situation to me and my issues.  LOL!

Of the places we went, one place interested me the most:  The Rock Pile.  The Rock Pile is a very tall mountain in the middle of nowhere with fall-away cliffs on all sides…no way for people to summit the mountain on foot…absolutely impossible.  The Americans turned the place into a communication center during the war.  Using Helos, personnel and communications equipment were dropped onto the top of the mountain.  Think about it…the U.S. had air superiority.  There was NO WAY the Viet could summit the Rock Pile.  Re-supply was dropped in my helo.  Very clever.

The bridges were the biggest let-downs.  They are modern bridges…nothing more.  I asked what was special about them, and the guide said, "They were built by the French."  LOL  Nuts.  Many people don’t know the French part in the war here.  The only reason we came here was to assist France with maintaining their colony.  Yes…these people first whooped the shit out the spanish, Japanese and Chinese merchants, then the French colonized them.  You wonder why there is so much anomosity between the U.S. and the Frogs?  I’ll tell you:  Shit like this.  We liberated them in the 40’s.  We went to their aid in the 60’s.  What did they do when we arrived?  They bailed!  They left their colony behind because the Yanks arrived to bail their sorry asses out of a situation.  Then they have to balls to tell us NOT to invade Afghanistan!  While Iraq was an error, Afghanistan was a righteous manuever in my opinion.  Bottom line:  THEY OWE US!  They owe us the shirt on their back!  If not for the damn Yanks, you’d visit the Louve and be met with the greeting, "Gooden Morgin…"  (Or however the hell you spell it).  You’d not be eating crapes under the Eiffle Tower…no…you’d be eating sour kraut and wurst, my friend. 

Q.  what did the mayor of Paris say to the Germans when they arrived at the city gates?

A.  table for 100,000 Mon Sier?  (sorry…attempted to check french spelling via the internet…no luck…perhaps the french should have been better invaders and instilled the indig with their language…then i could just ask a local…)

Q.  Why did it take the Germans three days to conquer France?

A.  They stopped for lunch twice. 

Q.  Why are the French weapons the best in the world?

A.  They’ve never been fired, and have only been dropped once. 

 

The greatest thing about France is the French Foreign Legion.  Now there are some bulls.  French Fun Fact: 

Q.  Why are the Legionaires not allowed to be stationed in France?

A.  Because the EXTREMELY small element actually overthrew the French government and conquered it’s army at one point in the lovely history of France.   Personally, I think they sould stick to making Daisys appear on canvass. 

Bringing France, the U.S., and Vietman together…

Let me first tell the tale of the Legionaires in Mexico.  France sent them there to quell an uprising.  While greatly outnumbered, the Legionaires fought like champions…until they were out of ammunition.  Of 2000 me, only four remained.  When the last man used his last bullet, the Corporal gave two last commands: 

FIX BAYONETTES! 

CHARGE! 

Lord Tennison.  Charge of the Light Brigade:  Cannons to the left of them.   Cannons to the right of them.  Into the jaws of death rode the 600… 

What a noble feat!  All of them fighting for France, but not one of them French…a sad situation for French pride…

Then there was Vietnam.  French troops were getting the shit shelled out of them.  Not sure where I read this, but it’s true…perhaps Richard will be so kind and leave a note as to where this happened…    French troops were stranded in a remote valley.  The only possible way for reinforcements to arrive was by air-drop…paratroopers.  The Viet Cong spent three days rolling 155mm cannons up steep ass mountains which acted as a coffin to the French in the valley.  Volunteers were asked to re-inforce; every Legionaire volunteered.  Those who were selected knew that their ass would be in a real crack once they jumped into the valley; the Cong had set up the 155’s and were hammering away at the entire valley from high ground.  Still they jumped…to their eventual death…

‘While horse and hero fell, they that had fought so well…’ 

So the American government realized that their friend called France was in trouble and committed to this horrible war (What war ISN’T horrible?!) and responded to bail out their friend the French.  What happened next?  I’ll tell you…the Frogs pulled out!  Buggers…

 

I’m reading a really good book at the moment.  It’s by a writer named Michael Moore.  LOL!  For real…I think every American should read this book.  Sounds a bit funny after I’ve spent the past 20 nminutes bashing France in the spirit of a Republican bred American (I’m leaning towards Libertarian lately…).  The book is called something like ‘stupid white men’.  I recommend it.  I have read two of his books and seen his movies.  I know that his movies are crap and filled with lies, but his books actually cite referrences and hopefully tell a bit of the truth.  I have no idea where I read this or heard this, but it will forever stick with me:  In every lie, there is a bit of truth.  Please check out the book.

 

I don’t know what else there is to write about!  I am EXTREMELY excited about my trip to Peru.  I have again changed plans…I told my travel partner that I will be ‘blowing off’ work for

an extra week.  One thing that I realized today while at China Beach:  Work is shit.  I don’t need it.  I can travel and work.  I really don’t need much.  I have been doing what Ken told me to do when I first began trekking…I purchase $2 T-shirts, stay in cheap hotels,