VULNERABLE

let me start by saying i know i left again after i said i wasn’t going to. but when things get tough/rough i tend to shut down. i know thats not a good thing, but it’s what i do. 

so much has happened and is happening. i am not going into all right now, but maybe over the next few post i will. 

but right now i want to talk about whats been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks; i feel alone and lonely most of the day. and after careful examination of myself i have come to the realization that the reason for this is because i am NEVER vulnerable. i never let me guard down enough to let any close to me or to love me or to show me they care or to be there for me or anything like that. so technically there are people in my life who care and are there for me and whom love me. but i never see or receive it, because i am closed off to it. its like going to a fast-food restaurant ordering your food, then never letting your window down to get what you ordered. a better analogy, its like knowing you need food and water to survive, yet you never open your mouth to let it in. you see it, you smell it, you even get/give it to others, yet you never allow yourself to partake of it. 

i’m sure there are probably better analogies than those, but those were the ones i went with. but the point is i know what i need and yet i choose not to receive it. i choose not to accept it.

i give the advice all the time that one of the main problems in relationships (romantic, friendly, or familial) is the way we give, receive, perceive, and accept love. if you look at most relationships where one party thinks the other doesn’t live them, its not because they dont most times, it’s because one person gives it one way and your looking for it another. so therefore you have trouble seeing, receiving, and perceiving their love for you. my father and i had this problem when i was a kid. it wasnt until i got older and my mother explained that he was giving me love the best and only way he knew how that i began to forgive him and build a relationship with him. because, you see, the fact remains that if you love someone and want them in your life you have to find out how the give love and then decide if you really want them in your life. and if you do, then you must begin to accept the love they give and the way they give it. most people learn what love is, how to give it, and how to receive it from the relationships they grow up seeing. 

***S/N: there’s a great book on love languages that speak to all of this. you may want to look into it. and ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT MOST ADVICE IS GENERIC AND NOT 100% ACCURATE TO EVERY PERSON AND EVERY SITUATION. SO DONT TRY TO FIT A ROUND PEG (your situation) INTO A SQUARE HOLE (the book/advice). the only way to get specific advice is to see a counselor. 

with all of that being said i came to this realization when i was online and realized i felt uncomfortable sharing my thoughts, life, secrets, and so forth with anyone. not even a stranger, or online, or with you guys. and thats what this is for, to give a person like me a safe place to vent and share; yet i feel scared to do so with sooo many things. and that has also led to me believing that i will be alone forever. which i can be ok with if my life does turn out that way. but for right now i am not ok with it. i love LOVE, i want to love someone, and it feels nice to feel loved by someone. but in order to do those things you must be willing to be vulnerable. which is my problem.