Have Confidence and Keep The Faith
Current Mood: *sigh*
Current Music: Disney Jr.
*WARNING* SEVERE BRAIN DUMP AHEAD
Good afternoon people. I’ve been writing more often now. I’ve just had a lot to say recently because my brain has been full. It sucks because I’ve been having bad dreams and I don’t know why. I had a really crazy one the other day and it was kind of a premonition I think. I don’t remember what day it was exactly. but whatever day I mentioned that Antonio came back active on my friends list on AFF, I had this dream.
I was "involved" with this Johnny Cash/Elvis like person and it was like in the 50’s/60’s time. Well we were at his music studio and we had to pack up all of his stuff and move for whatever reason. well I was helping him pack up his stuff into my car and all of that. well it came to this one particular amp and he was like no don’t touch that one and he wouldn’t let me touch it or pack it up and so we just kept packing stuff and finally that’s the only thing that was left and i was like wtf why are we leaving THAT one amp. and he was like don’t worry about it let’s go.
then i was like why are we leaving here anyway and going to this new place. and he was like lets go don’t worry about it hurry we need to leave. so anyway we were just about to leave and we had gotten ready to go when the cops showed up. well it turned out that that one amp was full of drugs and stuff. so he got arrested and i was like implicated in the "crime" and i was like wtf I’m not involved I didn’t even know and I was yelling at him like wtf how could you do this to me I don’t even know wtf is going on.
It was terrible. The whole Antonio thing was one of those crazy whirlwind flings. It wasn’t a "relationship"…I refer to him as an "ex" because we did see each other for like three months. and we saw each other quite frequently. I mean in regards to the other guys I met from AFF, was one of the few that I was more "involved" with. like Leo. But I’ll get to that later. Randy and I talk about our past relationships every once in a while. usually while we’re like out to dinner or something lol it’s funny.
but anyway so like Antonio was the first one I let myself actually just fall into a pattern with. i mean there were a couple other guys who i had talked to before him, but he was a regular hook up and we didn’t just hook up, like he’d come over and we’d hang out and do stuff, and we’d talk about shit. he had the goofiest sense of humor and he was just cool and his personality was just like mine. if any of you were reading me back then, you remember how I was like in awe at how similar our personalities were.
And if you all don’t know the WHOLE story with what actually happened with Antonio and why I loathe him so much…it’s you know, the fact that I know we weren’t exclusive…and I wasn’t looking for a relationship at that point, and I was seeing other people at that time as well, but what he did that just really hurt me, was post those couple of videos of him and a few other chicks. Which like I said, was neither here nor there to me…because we weren’t "together". But I didn’t need to see who else he was fucking. Cuz I mean seriously, who wants to see that shit?
So, I pretty much cut him off. That’s when David came into the picture and we’re not even gonna go THERE because that whole trainwreck is another entry in and of itself. But, I just stopped talking to him and I was so mad and so hurt because I would just never do that if I wasn’t exclusive with someone, I wouldn’t post videos with them. And he a couple different videos with a couple different chicks. it was gross. so I was like no, this is done. That’s where the whole Leatherjacket thing came about. I was texting Alisha about it and was texting fast and was trying to say "Motherfucker" and it autocorrected to Leatherjacket. so yeah that’s where that came from.
So I was just like GAH. So that was my February/March/April and beginning of May thing….and then I met David and he was my end of April/May/June guy….then also end of May/June/July/August when he was in Town, James was there too, because as I said David was a trainwreck and that whole thing I won’t get into. and James was in town a few times….because he was my international traveler, the one from England…then I met Leo in August and he decided to get an emotional attachment…
That was all his fault though because he started that shit. he lured me in with all his stupid comments like "i hope you stick around for a while" and "your family might not like me" and I questioned his comments like why are you saying those things and then he wouldn’t really elaborate. so then I just didn’t really think much of it. it sucked though because he was a very selfish person as a lover, as I have stated before. he really only cared about himself as a lover. I can’t handle the selfish types AT ALL. It has to be give and take.
The last time I went to his place which was the beginning of October, I mean, I saw him regularly all throughout August and September, but it was just so emotionally draining….that one was the closest to an Actual relationship than all the others because of how much time we spent together and all of that stuff. it was just weird ya know? But I went to his place that night because I didn’t want to be alone. that was right after I had decided to take my leave of absence from work. i just was very emotional and needed to not be alone so I went over there.
it was a good night and I enjoyed myself, but that is when I realized HOW selfish he was. so I decided then to not see him again. so the next morning when he was still asleep, around 7, i got up and got on the bus and came home. then i also decided to take a mini sabbatical from AFF and so I didn’t even meet up with anyone or anything during that time. it was just like I didn’t do anything. and that whole month I just kind of spent it doing nothing. i just pretty much slept and stayed at home.
then at the end of the month I knew he had been talking about going to the USC game because he was a huge USC fan and we were planning on going to that game too. so my parents were in town and I hadn’t talked to him since the 1st but I texted him that day and was like hey are you at the game? I’m in this section and all that. he was like yeah i’m over here blah blah blah. well a couple days before that is when I had started talking to Randy. so I was texting Randy too. so I was keeping Randy updated about the game and texing Leo.
Leo had been so pumped up and talking crap about this game and it turned out that Arizona beat USC…well I was like OMG you were talking so much shit about USC beating Arizona and he was like yeah that’s fucked up I don’t wanna hear it and the game was crap and blah blah blah. and i was like wow….so it’s like that huh? and he was like whatever, and I was like hmmm ok then and after that I didn’t hear from him again, ever.
I’m like you fuckin dick. seriously it’s a football game, wtf. Sooo yeah, I was just like ugh jackass. I didn’t even know what to say, I just thought to myself I’m SOO glad I didn’t get more involved in it with him. So that next week is when I had my appointment with the doc and I extended my leave another couple of weeks and I met Randy….and well know how that all went. so. yeah it’s just been like a weird whirlwind. I don’t even know. All this stuff has just been coming out recently and I don’t know I just thought I’d put it here for those of you that don’t really know all the back story.
I was telling Randy about James too. Cuz he had text me the other day. I "hotlisted" a bunch of people…on AFF…and he was one of them. and he was like why are you hotlisting me? I was like i hotlisted a bunch of people that I know just for fun. he was like but I’m not on your friends list. I was like most of the people on my hotlist aren’t on my friends list, so he goes ok, so I’m HOT, but i’m not a FRIEND…I see. lmao but I just said, well you are a friend too ugh. so he goes, I am insulted. so I just added him to my friends list just to appease him and so he wasn’t offended lol ugh.
I get messages from him on WhatsApp at like 2 AM because he’s in England obviously and that’s morning for him lol. its like really lol. bluh. *sigh* ok this entry is ridiculously long and I need to finish folding the laundry and all of that stuff. today didn’t go as planned but whatever. Randy had to go to his dad’s house and help him load some machines or something. That was kind of weird…on a Sunday…cuz i mean he’s usually working on Sundays…but I guess he told his dad he was off? and they did it rather quickly. usually when they have to do stuff with machines it takes me HOURS…but this was like 2 hours total….which includes like an hour of travel time. just seems odd to me. eh.
anyway. my brain is hurting. tomorrow is my dr. appointment. so we’ll see what happens. i gots nothing else. have a good one my friends.
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