Riding Black Currents…

 …and choking on the obsidian waves.

Last weekend:  Can’t remember it as I slept through most of it.

Monday:  On the way to the greenhouse; "Honey, the truck doesn’t feel right."  Honey says he doesn’t feel it or hear it.  "No, It really doesn’t feel right.  I think the tranny is acting up." 

The words were prophetic.  As we ascended the first hill towards the greenhouse, we lost third gear.  I had to pump the accelerator sightly one time to force it into fourth gear and then it was fine- until we got to the second hill.  Every time it tried to go into third, the engine would rev and I’d have to tap the accelerator.  I made a few phone calls when I got home and my dad recommended a shop he was familiar with.  Diagnostic confirmed that not only had the servo died, the third gear band was broke and the case was cracked.  Estimated cost for repairs?  A whopping $2500.00.

My stomach churned as I broke the news to husband who just sat on the couch staring at the wall looking defeated.  We have NO money.  The most we might have been able to come up with would have been around $300.00 – and that would have been what we set aside for the kid’s Christmas.  $2500.00 might as well have been 25,000.00 as far as we were concerned.

Hubby didn’t sleep well that night and I…well, I just sat up all night staring at the television to keep from thinking about it. I didn’t just have hubby and the truck on my mind.  I was dreading Wednesday – the day of my nuclear stress test.  After the chest pains and palpatations I had been experiencing, I was a bit worried.  I prayed some, watched some television, walked to the doorway to stare down into the abyss and then quickly walked back to the couch to calm my racing heart and pray and watch more television. 

Tuesday morning, when hubby’s father picked him and Wesley up for work/school, hubby did something he hated.  Something he dreaded.  He asked his father for more help than a simple car ride.  No way was I going to call my Dad again.  My parents paid out the last penny two years ago, in my opinion, and they weren’t going to do it again.  After they rode away, I went to bed and fell into a restless sleep. 

Back home again, I nearly dropped to the floor when hubby told me that his father agreed to pay for the repairs!!  At least until we could afford to pay it back. 

I slept a little better that night but was still nervous about the next day. 

Wednesday: I called the shop and told them to do what they had to do – it’s our only vehicle.  Having learned my lesson from the past, I warned them by saying, "I know that truck like the back of my hand.  I already know I need the rotors turned because there’s uneven wear that causes the brakes to thud a bit.  I knew we’re due for an oil change.  I know how the truck feels when I drive it and I know what it sounds like.  Once the tranny is fixed, it should sound and feel exactly the way it did before.  If it doesn’t, I’ll be bringing it back."  The guy on the other end of the phone said, "Okay, no problem."

A half hour later, Mom picked me up to take me to the hospital.  

The first scan was uncomfortable as I had to be perfectly still for 20 minutes and it killed my back and my neck went into a spasm.  After I was able to get up and walk around a bit, I was fine.  It was a very short "fine", however.  Next I knew, the cardiologist was coming into the tiny room that the technician had me sitting in.  Then two nurses and the technician came in.  Yeah, I was nervous.  I knew this wasn’t going to be a pleasant experience.  As soon as that junk was injected into my veins my heart took a crashing leap against my chest and I started to pant like I was running a marathon.  My legs got wobbly – even though I was sitting down, I started getting the shakes, my head started to pound and ache, and I felt sick to my stomach.  I breathed through it as best I could and it gradually slowed down in about 10 minutes.  I thought to myself, "I WANTED this?  I wanted this!"  Eff this crap, I do NOT want this EVER, EVER, EVER again!! 

I was then sent down for my blood to have my cholesterol checked, then went back for the second scan.  After the second scan I was sent to radiology for a sonogram of my heart.  That wasn’t so bad.  At least she let me lie on my side – which was way more comforable.  It was pretty cool watching my heart on the monitor, too.  When that was over, I was fitted for my 24 hour holster monitor to record my heart and sent on my way.  I was completely exhausted and the only thought going through my head was sleeping.  I wanted to crawl into my comfy bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.

I came home to find out that the shop called.  They were already finished with the truck and I could pick it up at any time.  I crashed in my bed until hubby came home.  I told him the news, he called his dad and they agreed to pick up the truck after work on Thursday.

I had no trouble sleeping that night.  

Thursday:  I woke up feeling great.  I felt light and positive and had energy.  Liz and I went for a long walk – which was hard and a bit painful but felt fantastic at the same time.  I was clear minded for the first time in nearly a month and it was wonderful!  I decided right then to pull out my planner to get appointments and agendas organized.  I ordered my hubby’s medicine, made Dentist appointments for Allie, Cathy, Wesley and me, checked all the messages on my answering machine, made my follow-up appointment with my primary doctor, rescheduled my hubby’s appointment with the prostheticist and did five loads of laundry.  It felt so good to get something accomplished.

When I made the dental appointments, the receptionist said, "Can you and Allie come in tomorrow?"  I felt great, of course I said yes.  I made Cathy and Wesley’s appointment for the 19th.  

When hubby came home, they picked me up and we went out to the shop to pick up the truck.  As we were driving home I said to hubby, "Umm…hubby, it doesn’t feel right.  The new tranny is working like a charm but everything else just feels….weird."   

I slept very well that night.

Morning came and I felt sluggish and tired.  I took hubby to work and as I pulled into the parking lot, the truck stalled.  I started off towards Wesley’s school and, again, the truck didn’t feel right.  I stopped at a red light and it almost stalled again.  I dropped off Wesley, drove home to eat some breakfast and called the shop.  I explained about the truck wanting to stall and the vibration I felt in the steering wheel when I made a left turn – as if it was low in power steering fluid.  He told me to bring it in.  I said, "I’ll bring it in but I’m really pressed for time today.  I have to pick up my daughter because we have an appointment in one hour."  

The shop guy took me with him on a short drive and drove back to the shop.  Apparently, the our Explorer is relearning it’s idle setting.  When the battery or computer is disconnected for any reason, it loses it’s memory.  Driving it around for a few hours or day will help it relearn it’s operation.  And it was possible that some air got into the power steering line.  He said drive it around for a couple of days and if it doesn’t correct itself, bring it back.  It made sense to me, so I left.  

I drove home, changed clothes, brushed my teeth and left to pick up Allie. We were both nervous about seeing the dentist.  She, I knew, had an abscessed tooth.  Thanks to our previous dentist, the one who was paranoid about doing his job if it meant doing more than a simple cleaning and putting in a minor filling, Allie wasn’t able to get it taken care of.  He wanted us to go three counties away as that was the only place that would accept our insurance for a root-canal. I called all over; even called our insurance, looking for a dentist for the past two years and could find no one.  Finally, my neighbor told me about a new dental place in the new shopping center about two miles away.  I called them, found out they’d have no problem with doing it, and I made the appointments. 

Anyhow, as I said, we were both nervous.  Allie had obvious reasons but I couldn’t understand why I was feeling apprehensive.  Though I’m no fan of going to the dentist, I have gone in the past.  In fact, when the filling fell out of one of my teeth and my tooth broke, back in 2007, I didn’t have insurance and didn’t go to the dentist until it was too late.  I was forced to come up with over $200. to have the tooth extracted.  I was perfectly calm that time and there was no fear at all.  But, I didn’t want that to happen again with this other tooth.  The filling was over 20 years old and it was starting to break up.  This was my chance to have it replaced and save my tooth and I felt good about that. 

The dental assistant called me to the back and did all the necessary X-rays, then put me in an exam chair.  I waited only about five minutes before the doctor came in.  She checked out my teeth, commented about how clean they were for someone who hasn’t seen a dentist in over 5 years, and proceeded to announce that she had TWO fillings to replace and a small cavity to fill.  Wonderful.

I was perfectly fine all the way up to the point when she started drilling.  The side where the filling needed replaced wasn’t numb enough and she hit the nerve.  I yelled out, she injected more novocain and my entire mouth and tongue went numb.  That was good for the drilling part; terribly bad for everything else. 

As I lie there choking on a numb throat and tongue, the doctor kept reminding me to breath through my nose.  I tried telling her I couldn’t.  For a few seconds I could control the muscles in my throat to keep my air-way open but then it would collaps again and I’d start choking.  The doctor was getting aggitated, the nurse kept trying to reassure me and I was getting pissed because they were treating me like a paranoid patient instead of listening to the actual problem I was having.  With my head cocked back, my mouth wide open and my tongue and throat completely numb, I couldn’t even swallow though my brain kept telling me I had to.  Then it happened.

The black door way came rushing up in front of me.  It came so suddenly, it startled me.  It was so close that all I could see was nothingness.  I was paralyzed.  Why couldn’t I move my legs?  Why did my arms feel like they were tensed up with all my strength?  I couldn’t breath and I wanted to scream.  I wanted to scream until the blackness disappeared.  I could do nothing.

Far off in the void I heard a low, hissing voice say, "Juuuust reeeeelaaaax.  It will sooooon beee overrrrrrr." 

The terror of that voice!  Why was it so familiar?  Why the HELL was I so scared??!

My body went completely limp and I fell into the abyss. 

…to be continued…