Monday’s Morons #3 *edit*

Mondays, from now on, will be dedicated to all those wonderful people out there that, for whatever reason, seem to make it a mission in life to entertain us with their idiocy.  If you were born stupid or retarded, you’re excused, but there’s no excuse for being a MORON and I’m calling you out on it!   

*edit* is in notes below.

Thank you, Miss Talky Tammy, for the free groceries I received today.  While you’re on that cell phone of yours, it might be a good idea to ask your friends if they know of any job openings out there for Morons, because if you keep bagging groceries without scanning them first, I doubt you’ll be keeping this one for very long!

 
 
Hey, Moron Mom!  Yeah you!  Put that child in a car seat before you decide to weave through traffic and speed down the highway!  Don’t you know that listening to a screaming kid who’s strapped up in a car seat is much better than hearing a screaming kid who’s head just went through the windshield?  You get a capital "M" for Moron since it would be uncouth for me to call you by any of the names I’m REALLY thinking!  If I could, I’d revoke your license!

This one wins this week’s Monday’s Morons trophy: 

Early Sunday morning Elyria Police were called to the downtown McDonalds on Broad Street for a woman who had fallen asleep at the wheel in the drive-thru. When Police arrived they found the woman out cold with her head against the steering wheel and her foot on the brake. Officers pounded on the windows and yelled in an attempt to wake the sleeping driver. While Officers waited for Mug’s Towing to show up and pop the door lock they positioned a police car in front of the woman’s van – bumper to bumper – so if she let off the brake the van would not roll across the parking lot and down into the alley. When Officers pounded on the van the woman’s head would move causing the horn to honk, that didn’t even wake her up. 

Once the door lock was popped Officers shook the woman until she woke up and started answering questions. She was then arrested for DUS and OVI. 

Does it make me a Moron to be terribly offended when an obese woman wears pants in public that don’t fit?  

I’m not a fashion aficianato nor do I often care much what other’s wear, but, when something stands out in eye popping clarity, there’s no way it’s going to escape my notice.  

I was standing in line at the checkout when I noticed a fairly heavy woman standing in front of me.  She was wearing a pair of jeans that looked to be about two sizes too small with a low riding waist.  Not only did her abundant belly flab hang out over the waistband, but it stuck out from under her shirt as well.  I did my best to be polite; I averted my eyes, I made sure my face didn’t screw up into a ‘eeww’ expression and I busied myself with my grocery list to appear as though I hadn’t noticed anything.  

But then, to my great horror, it happened!

SHE BENT OVER!!!!  

Suddenly, gaping right in front of my eyes, hovered the crack from Hell!!  I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end as I did my best to stifle the roaring gasp of utter surprise that tried to burst forth from my clenched chest.  I quickly slammed my hands over my eyes and mouth but it was too late.  I was doomed.  The image of the stained G-string was seared into my brain!  

As I fought the urge to do a major heebie-jeebie dance all the way out to the parking lot, I carefully strolled my cart a few lines down behind a sweet little old lady with baggy panty hose and I immediately felt much better.  As I stood there, trying to forget….

From the distance I hear the voice of a small child as he says, "Hahahaha!  Mommy look!  I see that ladies butt!!!"

Have a great day everyone and PLEASE watch out for those Morons out there, you never know when one will crack a smile you’ll never forget.