This took WAYYYYY too long…..

Word has been sitting open on my desktop for several hours now with nothing but the date on the page. I’ve got things I need to say but I’m not sure of the best way to say them.

I have to go back to work on Saturday, and I dread it. There is anxiety that’s been building since Monday, and maybe a little fear too. I honestly don’t know if going back to the place that pushed me over the edge is a good thing. Yes, I know, that which does not kill us makes us stronger. Very Klingon, very Nietzsche. However I am neither a grumpy alien nor a dead German philosopher so I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Back again. God it’s taking forever to do this. I know I’m stalling but I don’t know why. And it’s not the ADHD, I can normally sit here and get everything I want to say out in one session and then I’m done with it. Besides, I’ve just been diagnosed but it’s been there as long as I can remember; I don’t want it to become an excuse for not doing whatever it is that needs doing. I’m dumping the first few episodes of New Amsterdam to VHS for Ember since the TiVo is now so far away from her.

These past two weeks I’ve spent a lot of time with Ember and Rah-Rah, and I’ve really enjoyed it. I wish I could have spent more time with them this past month but Ember had school and work and Rah-Rah has two kids that she’s raising pretty much by herself. Her parents get them every other weekend, sometimes more often, but the dads don’t seem to be contributing as much time as they could. I kind of expect that from the first dad, but the second dad I really did have higher hopes for.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Critter over the past four weeks though. She doesn’t work as much as Ember and Rah-Rah and her two older kids are in school so it’s easier to be social with just K tagging along. She’s been a friend to me and that’s all. She was there when others couldn’t be, and I don’t blame them for it. There’s nothing going on and, though the accusation has been made (and I know it’s only out of concern for me since I’m an easy target), I don’t see how she can possibly be taking advantage of me. With only two exceptions we have each paid for our own meals whenever we went to eat together, and both of those times I planned on paying for it when I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch together. She has never asked for anything, and has actually refused some of the favors I’ve offered over the past month. It’s never been anything major, it’s usually stuff like I’m already in town an she mentions she needs to get wipes or Dr. Pepper or something and I offer to swing by the store for her. She did take me up on one offer since it was the Thursday before Easter, the kids were in bed and she’d forgotten to get B’s Easter stuff for school while we were out that day. That one ran to a total of five dollars and she’s going to buy my burrito next time we eat at Sonic. It’s not like it’s out of my way, we both live out the same highway and I have to pass the street she lives on when I go into town or go home, there’s no other way to drive it without going seventy or so miles out of the way.

I know why Ember and Rah-Rah don’t like her anymore, and I understand, but I need friends right now. I need to socialize and reconnect with the rest of the world and they can’t be with me all the time. There are things I want to do for Critter that I am intentionally NOT doing because that would blur the line between friend and boyfriend and that’s not what our relationship is anymore. There may come a point when I can do some of those things for her and the kids and not have it be weird, but then again there may not, either way I don’t really care. There have been times when I’ve wanted to call her but I didn’t because I didn’t want to seem all clingy and stuff. Ironically one of the times I really wanted to call her she really wanted to call me and neither of us had the stones to pick up the phone. That was something I perceived as part of our problem as a couple: communication – we weren’t very good at it. Apparently we need to work on that some at the friend level too. At least we’re consistent.

I’ve made a decision about going back to work: normally when I work overnights I tend to just flip my whole schedule twelve hours out of sync with the rest of the world so that midnight is my noon and noon is my midnight. It makes it easier to get up at night if your body thinks it is morning and all. I’m not going to do that this time. It’s too easy to get isolated when all my friends work days, and I think that was part of my problem before. I’m going to try to keep to a normal schedule on my days off, and see if I can get by with multiple naps on my workdays so I can still talk to and hang out with my friends. I hate that I live so far from everyone now but I no longer qualified for the income-restricted apartment complex I was living in and gas was killing me. I’m closer to work but so much farther away from everyone else. It is harder than I thought it would be.

This has taken a lot longer than it should have, and I still feel I’ve left things unsaid. If they’re important they’ll come out in the next few entries, and if they aren’t I’ll quickly forget about them; one of the benefits of my condition.

The date for this entry in my off-line journal is already set for April 3, so I’m going to adjust OD to the same date for clarity’s sake, even though it’s already 02:15 on the fourth.

Night all.