The Shire

One of my fave’s recently mentioned the place I live and The Shire in the same paragraph. I’m not entirely certain she was refering to where I live as the Shire or if she meant the region in general. But a thought ran through my head all on it’s own, perhaps my subconcious mind finally finding a way to give voice to that which I’ve been feeling for a while now.

The thought was that if this is the "Shire", it is far more like the Shire that Frodo and his friends returned to at the end of The Lord of The Rings than the one Bilbo left at the beginning of The Hobbit. How sad that makes me I cannot even begin to say.

So much good happened here. I finally woke out of a fifteen-year depression triggered by the end of my physical relationship with Thumper. In Ember I found one of the best and closest friends I think I will ever have. I quickly re-climbed the ranks in my first retail job, going from cashier to sales clerk to hourly manager in less than thirteen months. Two years after that I finally broke into the ranks of salaried management for the first time. Even my relationship with DirtyGirl had its good points. I got to learn again what it was like to be in a relationship. I was able to have arguments and make up and finally, when we realized it just wasn’t going to work, break up without all the drama of my younger years. And of course there’s Critter. I learned what a real adult relationship was. I got to live (however breifly) with someone I truly and deeply loved. I got my first taste of what being a parent/step-parent is all about, and when tested found that I was equal to the task, if unsure of my footing in so new a role. I found in her someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, and for a time she felt the same. And somewhere along the way I became so comfortable with myself that I became a full fledged nudist, not even getting dressed when friends came over unless asked to do so.

However, bad things have happened as well. I was hospitalized for pneumonia. I had a huge relapse in my depression in February that required taking the entire month of March off to recover from. The dosage of my anti-depressant was doubled. My work life has been miserable for the past year, and I am constantly afraid I’m going to get officially reprimanded for something stupid just because my boss is in a bad mood. Critter left me. Ember, my best friend, has finally finished school and moved away. Rah Rah, once a close friend, has completely written me out of her life because I’m still friends with Critter. Two friends died in the course of six months. Two of the managers I started at my store with are gone; one a transfer and the other quit. I feel over worked and under appreciated. I’m just not having fun anymore. And I’m alone.

So. I’ve obviously reached a turning point in my life. I’m not sure how long, or even if, I can stay where I am. It’s more than just a matter of putting the bullies in their places and running the Sackville-Bagginses out of my ancestral home. Things just feel wrong now; and I don’t know why or what, if anything, can be done to set things right.