I’m not a superhero dammit…

Well, dinner got cut short. Amanda called and was having serious thoughts of suicide. Her roommate was not at home and wouldn’t be until late today. Again, Dirty Girl said it was OK to go, but I have to wonder at the strain this is putting on our brand new relationship. I’m worried that I might lose this new wonderful cool thing I’ve got in my life because Amanda is having so many problems right now, and then I feel bad for thinking that because I’ve told Amanda I’ll be there for her when she needs me, and she really doesn’t have anyone else to turn to now that her boyfriend is not there. But this is twice in the last seven days I’ve had to cut things short with DG…

Anyway, Ember kept Amanda occupied on the phone while DG and I said good-bye, then Ember took me home to get m car and went back to DG’s house. I got in my truck and drove over the mountain and through the woods to pick up Amanda and bring her back home with me. I called DG when I got to Amanda’s place (she sounded less than thrilled to hear from me) and we stopped for some Papa John’s (I was told to make sure I fed her) on the way back. About two-thirds of the way back I got a call from Ember checking on us, and we talked for a bit. She was on her way home from DG’s house and quite artfully dodged the question when I asked her how much trouble was I in with DG.

And to top it all off, Amanda isn’t here anymore. I was asleep when I heard a banging on the door and got downstairs as Amanda opened it. There are two people I mistook for firemen (I was half-blind and half-asleep at this point, and DG is a volunteer so I thought she had sent some buddies to check on us) standing in the doorway. They mention something about getting a call, do I own the place, and can they talk to Amanda alone please. I told them my name was on the lease, and as long as they had their pagers on I didn’t care if they came in or not (again I thought they were firemen). At this point it should have been clear that I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but they never did identify themselves to me as police officers.

A few minutes later Amanda hollers up the stairs at me (I’ve gone back to bed) so I come back down. She tells me she’s going with them and doesn’t know if or when she’ll be back. I told her the door was open, and she said OK. After the door shut, it occurred to me that something didn’t seem right, so I walked to the front bedroom to peek out the blinds to see which apparatus they were driving, and it’s only then that I see the police car and realize they aren’t firemen.

I don’t know who could have called them: the keypad on the phone downstairs is busted, her cell phone is in her (wrecked) car in another part of town, and the phone upstairs is on my bedside table so I would have woken up if Amanda had used it to call anyone.

Now I’m worried about Amanda, worried about my relationship with Dirty Girl, I have to be at work in four hours and I can’t get back to sleep and I’ve got no one to talk to because Ember’s sick and asleep, Amanda is off God only knows where with the po-po (assuming they were actually police officers), and DG has two small kids so I can’t call her in the middle of the night.

I’m almost missing the days when I was alone and miserable, at least then I knew I was going to be alone and miserable and didn’t have to worry about it so much. But if DG calls things off there really isn’t anything I can do or anyone I can blame. She said both times that she understood, Amanda really is suicidal and couldn’t be left alone, but for God’s sake I just got things going again. Why me?

And now I feel bad for worrying more about my relationship issues than I am about Amanda. It’d be different if I wore a cape and tights to work or something, but I’m just me. You know?