Explanations

So, I suppose some back story is required.

One of my faves was relaying some observations from her dealings in a street market. There was a scarf she liked, but she didn’t *need* it, she was willing to walk away, and the merchant knew it, and as a result she was able to bargain the price down to a level she felt equaled her desire for the scarf. She said you *have* to be willing to walk away, to do without. If you want it too much the seller will know, and he won’t drop the price much, if at all.

I think the thing that clarified it the most for me was when Critter and I were joking around last night, right before I left to come home and go to bed. A Papa John’s Pizza commercial had just come on and we both remarked how much we loved their pizzas. So I reminded her there was one right down the street from my store, and I could have some pretty much any time, (singing) "and you can’t have none, ’cause you don’t work there" and she jokingly said "yes I can. All I have to do is call you and ask for some. And make sure you get extra garlic sauce too." A statement I quickly admitted was true. And she wasn’t being mean. She was smiling/laughing the whole time, she was just teasing, but it is so true.

So obviously Critter is the scarf and the seller and I want her too much, and she knows it. She can do with me as she pleases because she knows I’ll always come back for more. I was talking to Carla about it and she said she *knows* what Critter is doing because she used to be like that. And neither of us think Critter is being malicious. Carla just thinks she doesn’t realize what she’s doing, how she’s hurting me. Carla says Critter can’t be in a relationship with someone who knows what they want until she knows who *she* is and what *she* wants. Carla had her own ToyMan, a long time ago. They were engaged, and she called that wedding off two weeks out. She regrets that now. Looking back on it she says they probably would have been fine, but he was "treating her too well" and she got scared and ran. That was five or so years ago.

So, as I’ve remarked before (but apparently forgotten) Critter is still cookie dough. For the non-Joss Fans out there that’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 7, Episode 22 "Chosen". There’s a scene where Buffy is talking to Angel in a cemetery about her history of relationship problems and she says this:

"I’m cookie dough, I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be.
I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I’m ready.
I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that’s fine.
That’ll be then. When I’m done."

So I have to wait. And it won’t be easy. I also have to open myself to the possibility that instead of waiting for the chocolate chippy goodness that is Critter cookies I may find I really like, or even prefer, oatmeal cookies or some other variety. And I think I’ve stretched the cookie thing as far as it can go…

So the plan is this: after Friday (I’ve pretty well promised her pizza at this point, and I’m not one to reneg) I’m not going to call or text or comment on her MySpace status unless she initiates contact. It may drive me bug-ass crazy but I’ve got to try. Then, and only then, a Jedi will I be. Or something like that. It will also give her the space she needs to figure out who she is, to finish baking, to discover if I’m someone she wants in her life and would miss if I was gone or if I’m just someone that she likes to be around but won’t go looking for if I fall out of touch.

And somewhere I’m going to have to find the strength to live with the "wrong" choice if that’s the one she makes.