Crappy mood

I have to go in to work tonight. I’ve been up since 1400, so I only got three hours of sleep. Crap. I mean, I slept for five or six hours last night from around midnight  to about 0600 or so, but that doesn’t really count when I know I’ll be at work so long.

I was thinking yesterday that it wasn’t so bad, I’m half-way through my year on overnights and then I’ll be (technically) promotable, if not actually ready for it yet. I’ll have all my boxes checked off, but I may not have the necessary experience to be an effective manager at the next level. I’ve been told I do, but with Queeg constantly asking why I can’t do anything right I obviously have some self-esteem issues right now.

The down side to being half-way through my year on overnights is there are still six months to go, and three of them are holiday months: October/November/December. We’re getting people hired in (Queeg says she didn’t know we were short) but still. I have a huge feeling of dread about the next six months and I don’t know why.

I’m starting to feel again like I did in February/March, when I had my little breakdown. It’s a constant battle to make myself go into work. I dread mornings that she’s going to be there. I dread nights that I know she’s going to be there to personally walk the store with us because she keeps us as her little entourage the entire three hours before our workers come in, keeping us from getting the store prepped so we can have a good night. Even now, I’m trying to find reasons not to go in, even though I know I’ll have to make up the time.

Not to worry, I’ll go, it’s just that I really don’t want to.

This job is killing me. A little bit at a time.

I can’t go the rest of my life with my depression only marginally under control because of this job. And I know it’s not the job itself, it’s Queeg, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now. If I want to stay with this company I have to put up with her thinking I’m an idiot for the next six months. My god that’s a long time. I wonder if the Blue hardware store or the Orange one are hiring. I’ve got a nationally recognized food safety certificate hanging on my wall too so I could go work at a restaurant as well. But whatever I do I can’t lose money, it’s got to be a job that pays the same or better. I’ve got to be able to support a family when the time comes and you can’t do that on much less than I’m making now, and still my wife would have to work at least part-time until we had kids.

I know there are things that I want to do that are not my responsiblity to pay for, but I still want to do them. No one has asked, and no one would, but still. I see that there is a need and I want to be able to fill it. This isn’t a factor in the stress, it’s just one of the things floating in my head right now.

I haven’t heard from Critter since they were over last. I called and left a message but she hasn’t called back so I don’t now how K is doing. She hadn’t quite managed to go poopoo in the potty yet, and I was wondering if there was any progress on that front. As far as the other goes, she’s able to get herself up onto the seat and clean herself, but for some reason putting her panties and pants back on eludes her and Critter has to help every time. Maybe it’s a balance thing.

The other day when they were here K kept wanting me to pick her up, and she was just tickled pink at the stubble on my cheeks. She just kept grabbing my cheeks and laughing like it was the craziest thing in the world I hadn’t shaved that morning. She is a cutie. When I was sitting at the table with my leg streched out she came over and sat on my foot and grabbed my leg, so I lifted my leg up and started moving it up and down. K thought that was the greatest thing in the world. Critter saw us, and I think she said that’s the first time she’s ever seen her do that or maybe she just doesn’t do it very often, I wasn’t real clear on that.

That’s all for now. I have to take a shower and shave my three-day beard off, which is going to take a while.

God I feel like crap tonight.