Almost screwed it up today

God I’m an idiot.

We were supposed to do something this morning. She was supposed to call me. Since she has to come into town to drop the kids off at school I assumed she’d call around 0800 or so after she dropped them off. I woke up around 0900, didn’t have any missed calls and called her – it went to voicemail. A few hours later, around 1100, I sent a text message saying I was going to eat, named two restaurants she really likes, and said I’d buy her lunch if she wanted to come with. No response. I called again about twenty minutes later and left a really pissy voice mail about how I guessed I’d just go to Taco Bell and we needed to talk.

She just called at about 1515. She fussed at me. She said she thought *she* was supposed to call *me* and when she woke up I’d already called her twice so she didn’t bother. Then K’s daddy had to take his car and her phone and he was gone a lot longer than she thought so she couldn’t call me then.

She’s going to be at her mother’s house tonight with the kids. We might still do something, but she made it very clear that she will call me if she decides to do something and implied that me calling her would greatly reduce the chances  of anything happening.

I just worry. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know exactly where I stand. I mean the way she talked to me on the phone it was like "duh, why would anything be wrong?" I just get so scared. I’m afraid of pushing her away, and I’m also scared I’ve already lost her and I’m just too stupid to realize it. At least I’m not the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on though. If she’s made up her mind what she’s doing she hasn’t bothered telling anyone that I know of.

I miss her. She makes me crazy sometimes but I really do miss her. I want her to come home so badly.

I’m so confused.