episode 90.

things did not go as planned.

to shorten it down for you.. i went to see kelly at her bar.. got some money in my pocket. drank a bucket.. then drove to the pub. stopped at burger king to pee. i was by myself and this guy kept talking to me.. i then found out it was pats brother. no fucking shit. i drank another bucket. and by this time i was sloshed as fuck

my phone kept blowing the fuck up private. i was irritated.. somehow i managed to go to this guys house. i do not know why my voice just didnt seem to work and tell this guy to fuck off. i was so upset with scotty. i was so mad he didnt call. i ended up blowing this guy. WTF? now i know why i am why i am when i am wasted.

the red wings lost which ticked me off.. scotty didnt call.. my mom blows me up.. i talk to my best friend and i think i cried my eyes out.. im not sure.. i dont even know or care.

this morning i woke up.. my sheets werent on the bed because i was planning to wash them today.. and planned on not sleeping there.. hopefully staying the night with scotty.. i look through my phone and i checked my voicemail. i checked my voicemail again and heard his voice. he did try calling me. i never answered.

i seriously hate myself for this. i feel so used and worthless and just kicked under a bus. i am in the worst mood ever.. i feel like im cheating on myself. we should have gotten my number changed it wouldve been so much fucking easier.. but he was mad about driving all that way for nothing.

i am so disappointed in myself.. and im going to force myself to tell him what happened.. which in the end will make me feel better.. i hate myself. i hate pat.. and his whole family. ruthless assholes who literally take advantage. i need to stop going to bars alone. better yet.. i need scotty with me.. period. this cannot happen again.

i know hes not going to be mad at me.. i hate giving him the details.. but then a piece of me thinks it will never be brought out to him. i dont know how to tell scotty my wrong doings.. usually he asks me questions and they all just fall out of me.. and when he asks me he picks the worst times.. like right after having sex or some shit. when i have no clothes on. and half of me wants to lie to make myself perfect for him..

but clearly im not. i clearly suck at life. i cant even go to a bar by myself. i check my voicemail and didnt even know scotty called me last night.. had no idea.. as im sitting there crying over the man who supposedly didnt call me when he really did..

in the end none of this would have happened if it wasnt for rikki knowing my phone number. im so irritated with it all. mostly myself. scotty got sentenced today for his dui.. and of course i have no idea.. i am left in the dark.

marisa bitched at me telling me this morning that scotty is with rikki and will never leave her and all this shit and im so blind to whats going on in front of me. i dont know about you guys.. but i believe scotty.. i feel like im so close to getting things coming my way with him.. not that i want everything my way.. but i want it his way too.. i just want rikki gone.

marisa almost put herself in rikkis shoes talking to me as if she was her. throughout this phone call i was tempted to just hang up.. but i wanted to prove to her that im listening.. and i always believe scotty. i just know when he tells me the truth.. i can tell when hes lying about something.. because when he lies he lies to everyone else.. and i can just tell.

right now im kicking myself in the ass. i am absolutely disgusted with myself. and with patricks brother. yeah the guy was hot. but i didnt get shit out of it. i feel so used and gross. just fucking disgusting. and i have no idea how i will tell scotty.. i have two secrets now that are weighing me down pretty hard.. and eventually he will catch me in a lie.. so to better the situation i should probably just tell him both of the secrets.. that way he knows everything? i dont know.

all i know is i owe scotty something.. other than the excuse of me being too fucked up to realize he was calling me. i just broke my own heart.

i am so pathetic.

-L