episode 70. edit*

well i have just got hom from paying my court off.. and dropping a letter off at the post office for him. its a good letter so hopefully he gets it soon. i think when he calls me i won’t tell him about the letter to surprise him. i wonder what hes thinking this very moment. ugh it sucks how bad he’s always in my mind.

ive been talking to a few people lately.. my pregnant best friend marisa.. and a few diarists on here. i know ive been leaving out the negatives about mine and scottys relationship. i know that the whole movie date night thing was extremely a huge point in the two and a half years ive been with him. but it is true that that night does not make up for all of the pain he has caused me throughout this relationship. i mean shit he’s promised me the movie before we’ve even slept together.

and i know that now he’s in jail i am even more vulnerable in being there for him and trying to communicate with him standing by him waiting for him to come home.. and probably is more to his advantage than mine even while he’s sitting in jail. i should have no pity for him or any feelings of being sad for him or let alone missing him.

but why do i automatically feel this way?

he is toxic. he is poison. but he is also magnetic.. addictive.. and when its good its not just good its fireworks. and when its bad i dramatize the bad and make it worse for myself to force the pain and take it to heart every time.

someone asked me is it really worth all of that pain for two and a half years for one explosive night. it is completely unfair. but that night i forgot about the pain.. the broken promises.. the heartbreaks and most important i forgot about rikki even though she was blowing my phone up ALL night the night i was with him. he still managed to make me forget.

and thats what scares me. i forget everything when im with him.. and when im without him everything is back to reality. i don’t understand why i even fell in love with this crazy man to begin with. he had nothing to offer me in the beginning when my eyes were purely on females and i was devestated over the loss of my first girlfriend. he did nothing spectacular to catch my attention.. the first time i met him was nothing fancy. i think the fact that he made me smile more than he made me laugh.. i really don’t get it. i don’t know how he pulled me in so fast.

he appeared to not care about sex or emotions. didn’t care about anything but making me smile. i have had nights with him that revolved around mostly sex.. hotel rooms.. drugs.. and alcohol. but i think the reason i am so stuck on that last friday night is because there was no cocaine.. there was no alcohol.. there wasn’t even the usual rough crazy explosive sex.. it was romantic how it all unfolded. it was surprising to me. preplanned by him.. he already had those things in mind before he even called me that day. the only thing he needed to make sure he had was a vehicle. and my mother let me use mine. and maybe he was trying to hold me down by throwing this night knowing i knew he was going to jail and it was possibly the last time he’d see me for a while.

ive always wanted some type of jealousy out of him.. i was sick of him telling me that i could do whatever i want.. sleep with whoever and that i’d still have him. and now.. that night he got protective.. even so much a little angry with me that i was hanging out with pat "a lot lately" according to him. he suspected me sleeping with him.

and i lied because i didn’t want the night to be ruined. i know that he has caught me in so many lies of sleeping with other guys.. and most of them were at hotel rooms as he assured me he would never expose my business and that it was all just between him and i. when i do lie to him he believes me.. because i usually come out and tell him first hand.. and if i don’t ill tell him later.. and if i lie i wait a while.. and then confess.

either way he knows or will know everything about me. the way he understands every fuck.. every emotion.. every tear.. every feeling that goes through me.. i just can’t see myself giving up a person like that by how much he actually means to me. when i lie and confess later it makes us even closer.. and i don’t know why i scare myself to lie.. because i know in the back of my head he understands.

my brain is starting to hurt just circling. i know what i want. all i want is him. to take care of him. to do anything for him.. to work as hard as i can for him. to defend and fight for our being together.. because i am the happiest when about him.. isn’t that what its supposed to be about?

why settle for the silver.. when i can hope one day i will land the gold?

i don’t know why ive turned down so many GREAT guys.. not because i love scotty but i just want us to work. and this hope i have in my head that one day we will will not stop reminding me.

he’s mysterious to me. the longest relationship ive been in. i don’t get it. maybe he’s what i can’t have. i don’t know. but its driving me insane.

the heart this guy has is just so big when it appears to be stone cold and so small. he’s always told me "the last thing i want to do is cause you pain." and people around me consider him a player or that they’ve been through it. i dont think thats even possible. when him and i are alone. its fire.. so high.. its more than drugs.. he is perfection in my eyes along with the tears ive cried over him. im even jealous of him he looks so good to me. and im angry with him that i never know whats going through his head.. what he’s thinking about.. if all of it is just an act.. or a lie.. or is it real? i try to grasp onto him and i lose control. the way i write about him makes me sick.

which i should stop.. cause im just getting anxious and nervous for nothing. BLAH

-L

ps. all of you guys and girls are awesome. cheers if you made it all the way through this entry. and thank you so much for your kind supportive notes. you’ve all been so great helping me through this.

love you alllll.

 

 

 

EDIT*

scotty just called me. and i got to hear his voice.. he put me on a mission. i swear what would he do without me? i told him i sent him a letter and he asked me how because he thought i had no idea where he was.. and i told him i found him.. i heard him laugh and say "oh you’re holding me down.. look at you" damn right i am. you think i can just sit here with a computer and not find you? not call around? wrong. i found you the day he went there. i explained i called livonia.. he told me he called me from livonia to let me know he was going.. and i told him i wasn’t a

t home to get a land line.. he told me he’s glad i wasn’t home because he doesn’t want anything racking up on my house or cellphone bill. he told me he was getting out thursday.. instead of friday.. then going to inkster. and he’s fucked on child support with nevaeh and michael.. rikki’s son is michael. and kristie (my best friend ashleys sister) is nevaeh’s mother..

he asked me to help him. kristie is about to go to jail for 24 years unless she comes up with 6 grand to stay out of prison. so what is she doing right now? selling drugs and probably her ass. he told me that his money for nevaeh will be in her name and asked me to tell trish (ashley and kristies mother.. who is taking care of nevaeh and the rest of kristies kids) to make sure she gets that money from kristie for his daughter. i promised him i would. ive been wanting him to do this forever. and rikki is fuckin him over with michael when her kids michael and jazmine get the most attention and support from their father.. including her fucking shit. pisses me off

he is furious that michael is owed child support. hes been supporting them the entire time.. and nevaeh doesn’t even get to see her dad.. let alone her cracked out mother kristie about to face some hard time? what a fucking mess.

i hope he realizes the rikki is gold digging as much as possible. i am so relieved he is in the system taking care of this. so 500 dollars is going to nevaeh and i have to let trish know to make sure kristie doesnt get a dollar from it. because she will just spend it. when its deserved to nevaeh. and then rikki is milking him too? when she and her two children are living at HIS parents house? getting the most money and support out of scotty? yeah he’s mad.

i could barely hear him through the phone. he told me he might not get my letter because of the postcard he has to send out first. he told me he loves me.. and reminding me of dates he has to take care of.. i asked him how did he call me.. and he said he bought a calling card to talk to me.. and that we might cut out..

then he said "i think this is the last time ill talk to you baby until next thursday ill be released.." and it hung up.

at least we got a little far. i feel SO much better. i needed this. im so relieved. i even told him id drive out to see him.. and he told me to not drive 2 1/2 hours away for him because he’s getting released thursday. ughhh still would be amazing though. i have to make sure that money gets to my niece.. and not her psycho bitch mother.

gosh there is so much to be done. =[

-L