episode 57.

if any of you haven’t read about the phone call i received from scotty.. go back one more. =]

yesterday my dad was being a total asshole to me. so i got ready and started walking. andrew found me walking on my street and started walking with me. my best friend wasn’t answering so i walked the opposite way behind my house towards scotts (brittanys fling). he lives like right behind my house. we sat on the porch and b-rad came over. we were trying to find some weed. but no luck. and andrew kept pestering me about me liking him. i was ready to just walk off and go to the bar. i wanted to see alayna even if i was broke. it was such a nice day outside. so after a while no luck with the weed i walked up to the bar with andrew. then i seen alayna and todd douche bag ass was up there too. ugh. i just decided to walk home and ditch andrew. i called kelly walking home.. just bored. then corey texted me saying get a blunt come over and smoke it with us. i thought he put "got" instead of get. so i was already walking and stopped up over there.

two hours later no one was breaking up any weed. so we were like uhhhh? and then realized the error i misread. BLAH so now we have to find weed. sucks.. ive tried all day and no one. then ashleys sister decided to meet us at the ice cream place on my street. ash drives up there.. and scotty called me.. around 11.

hello?
hey
hi.
what are you doing?
bout to smoke a blunt
with who
my best friend and your best friend
oh must be nice.
yeah.
well i just wanted to call and make sure you’re gonna be up tonight.
yeah ill be up probably at ashleys.
okay well were about to leave in 20 minutes.. takes me 2 1/2 hours.. so ill call you in an hour or so and let you know where im at
alright.
okay.

we hung up. i forgot to tell him i didnt have my car. shit. we got back to coreys and finally smoked. we were all watching speed and playing with the kids.. i love that movie. OH KEANU. i was having fun but i noticed that corey was starting ask me what was going on with me and shit. we mentioned scotty a few times but nothing interesting.. mostly talking about corey working with scotty and how they got paid. stuff ive already heard before. i been through it all. the 5am nights or 3am.. 6pm.. 10 hours 12 hours. 18 hours of no sleep. locked in a store til 6am. ive been through it all. it kind of confused me because i felt like he was suspicious that theres something going on between scotty and i that he doesnt know about.

it makes me feel like he thinks he has a right to know. and proves the point that everyone wants to be in our business. i knew the bar was bad but as im listening to corey my best friends husband talk. uh no. what is there to fucking say? ive realized that everywhere i go who knows scotty.. talks about scotty. brings him up. every single time.

which on the phone earlier he said the same thing about me. then when hes with corey or everyone from that circle they talk about me. what im doing where ive been. its just so frustrating knowing they do that. like who cares? why are they so stuck in us? ugh.

so he called me around 1am. he said he was on michigan ave. and that he didnt know what the plan was. he asked me if i was still at ashleys and he could hear corey and ashley in the background. i made it look like i was talking to pat instead of scotty. i know coreys ears were perked up way high though. i went into the bathroom. he was like thats not good. and i said they dont know anything. which they didnt. he said he had to leave westland by 5am to go back to work with who he was working with. he hasnt had any sleep. worked 12 hours and has to get up in 4 hours to work another 12 hours. it sounded like he was about to cancel. and then i told him i didnt have my car. so it was fine. i was going to walk home. then he started bitchin about me walking home. he said i dont need to be walkin anywhere then asking what happened to my car. and i said it was a long story.. my parents are just being assholes. then he said let me call you back in two minutes.

when we hung up i figured. yeah right. he aint coming. welp there goes that. sat back down. he called me back less than two minutes. he told me to start walking towards him and he’ll see me in a minute.

i started walking he met me and picked me up. i was so nervous. i got in.. he asked for a lighter and i gave him one. he gave it back. i lit mine up. i thought he was going to take me home so he could go to sleep. but he passed my street. and went around the block to where he was staying for the night. we sat in the van. for about an hour. most of it was quiet. comments here and there. he asked about my last three weeks.. who ive been hangin out with. i said ryan.. but lately we havent seen eachother longer than i havent seen scotty. kind of annoying. and ive been hanging out with pat lately. ashleys.. staying home.. and the pub. and he told me his story..

he told me about the dui. what happened.. he talked about his court dates.. which are 3/27 and 4/4 he said he might be out by his birthday 4/22. i doubt it. but i hope so. he explained his trying to get everything sorted out just got pushed back. and that hes gonna have to go through breath tests and probation. exactly what im going through only probably more harsh. and that he hopes he buys the house before he goes away to make sure its still there. because he already had plans for it. oh and everytime he talked about the house he said no rikki.

he told me he still had the blanket i made him for christmas. and his cousin asked him who made that.. scottys response was "out of all the money ive spent on females not one has given me a gift.. except linda.. and she made it herself.."

i made him a detroit pistons blanket. it was HUGE im so used to making small ones. i didnt even want to give it to him after i made it and wanted to keep it for myself. but i embroidered his name on it. the year. and my inital of who it was from. i told him i still have all of the room keys from every hotel.. all of the condom wrappers on the craziest "never did this before" nights. and i still had the ring he bought me that ive had my eyes on for three months he surprised me with. and the necklace he gave me on st pattys day when we were at the bar with his family last year. he was shocked he figured id get rid of it by now.

i asked him again. just tell me what you want. this over or not? he said he doesn’t want it to end. but he doesn’t want me to be dragged through his mess than how much i already have been. he said since hes going to jail for however many days the judge gives him he doesnt want me to wait around. he also told me that if he ends up calling me from jail to never accept

the charges and just know that hes still thinking about me.

we went inside after talking about it. and sat on the couch he was going to sleep on. he sat and leaned back i hugged him. he held on to me. my coat was still on and puffy.. his hoodie was still on i couldnt feel him. we were quiet. i thanked him for staying up and coming to get me. and that i needed this to move on. he said hes sorry and that i need to do whatever to keep myself happy and when he has his life straightened out he will see where im at. and that its up to me and how my life is maintaining in the future. i agreed. i can live with that. i felt better.

he lit a cigarette and asked me for a lighter. i asked him if he missed me or ever thought about me. he sarcastically said just this much holding his two fingers close together. lies. i teased him with the lighter. he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. then hugged me more. i could feel his breath in my neck. i kissed him. we kissed a lot. i know i know. he looked so good though. it was like burning through my eyes how good he looked. he started kissing my neck. putting his hands in my hair. it was hot. it never went farther. it stayed at just kissing. i grabbed him though. i wanted to make sure he was hard. if he was soft i wouldve been pissed. he grabbed my hand away from him. which i knew he would do since i said that he used me for sex and shit. after kissing him i told him i was just making sure i still turned him on. he said that would never change.

im so self-conscience about my weight. im not the hugest person in the world but im not the most average either. i never let anyone near my waist most of the time. but when he’d touch me i never cared. i dont have an ass either. i seriously have a pancake for an ass. everyone knows i dont have an ass. i got that from my mom. my moms family just dont have any asses. he still kissed my neck touching my back.. my hair.

he said he hopes one day he would be able to give me what i want and not be too late. i said i hope that too. and he said everythings gonna get better.. and that hes on rock bottom now. so things will start getting better for him. i said the same. ive been on this anger spree for three weeks because of him. and now that im talking to him. and were both SOBER.. is weight lifted off my shoulders. it almost felt like our first week of hanging out. like i just met this guy. back to the nervous shit. he asked if he could go down on me. and then we’ll go to bed. out of all of the times ive given him head.. id say around 150 or 200. its a lot. i never liked giving head but for some reason i loved doing it to him. but i never asked him to go down on me. i always let him do whatever.. he only did it about 15 times at the most. which i didnt mind i knew hes done it before but never a lot. and if he did hed stop after 10 minutes which i usually dont use all of the ten minutes anyway. i knew he asked me because he felt like shit and itd make him feel better that he tried to satisfy me instead of put me through any pain or any pain of missing him.

anyway after he asked me i said no. i even wanted to have sex. or even at the least i just wanted to feel him. but i stopped myself.. he said he was just trying to make me feel better and wasnt trying to push me in anything or get anything from me. i know i know. i could tell how easy it was for me to just be nice like i always am. i agree with you guys who noted last entry. it is toxic. he reminds me of heroin. black tar shoot it up in me heroin. i was sitting next to him wanting to rip his clothes off. but we didn’t. which is good.

we just laid there quietly. i was listening to his heart. he was listening to me breathe. he asked if i wanted him to take me home because he wanted to get atleast an hour and a half to sleep. so i said he could take me home at 5 when he leaves. he said it was fine. we took our coats off. he said i dont know how were gonna sleep on this thing but i know we’ve been on smaller couches. we were crammed our legs were twisted around eachother my face was in his chest his arms wrapped around me. he kissed my forehead.

i didnt sleep. i just listened to him sleep. i knew both of us were so uncomfortable on that thing. but it felt so good. i woke him up since i stayed up all night. he drove the van to my house then switched drivers cause he wanted to sleep. when he got out he hugged me. he said he would call to see how i am doing tomorrow. and that he loves me a lot.

he even said a lot. never heard that before. i feel better. i slept. i woke up feeling fantastic. i hung out with angeline.. corey and ashley we smoked again around 5 today. and i was happy. corey brought up scotty a lot again. but i didnt say anything bad.. or good.. just silent.

i hope this entry doesnt look like were going back to the same shit. different things are happening to us. and we aren’t together. and were both on the same page.

anyways im off this thing. i had to update yall. going to eat chinese food with the rents.. night everyone.

-L