episode 56.

i have just gotten off the phone with scotty. we talked for an hour.

now let me recap saturday about the bar.. when i seen him.. and about blaines party i went to that i got unbelievably drunk at. then ill go into today.. and this phone call.

if you havent read the last entry. i locked my keys in my car.. panicking about getting the fuck out of the pub. MY bar i claimed. when ashley and i left we went to blaines big bash. and i got unbelievably drunk. so drunk to the point i was just angry in all ways. i turned into a big bitch. my parents ended up grabbing me and my car. i was in tears by this point. calling everyone and running my mouth.. losing memory. my mother was pissed off at me the next morning. it was just bad.

sunday the entire morning i felt like complete shit.. i was still drunk. i slept a few hours down. then corey (my best friends husband) called me. and recapped saturday night. i called corey to come get me.. completely forgetting he was with scotty. they almost picked me up but i fell asleep thank god. sunday was a big giant blur. recovering from the huge blow out on saturday. scotty was fresh in my mind. just going over and over in my head when i saw him as i walked in the bar. and how stupid i felt when i locked my keys in the car.

last night i sat on the phone for 3 hours talking to marisa.. just analyzing the fuck out of everything. im still recieving private calls from rikki.. and its just confusing me. we kept talking about scotty like i was ironing him out over and over and over again until i got confused of why hes doing this again. honestly i really dont fucking get it.

i finally fell asleep around 5am. woke up today around 1pm. ive been stressing myself about doing something today.. i felt so lonely. i catch myself thinking about him. looking out the window again. im angry that i went to the pub and seen his presence sitting where i always sit.. where i used to sit with him. i keep listening to "i need a doctor" by dre. E.T. by katy perry and kanye. i feel like a ghost. dead. like im not hungry but i need food. like im so tired.. but i never sleep.

im getting dressed. i HAVE to do something. i put my hair up.. decide to go for a walk.. do something.. clear my head. my phone rings.. random number. wtf? as usual..

hello?
hello?
who the fuck is this?!
who the fuck do you think it is?!
oh wow.
so whats up i keep hearin youre talkin shit about me.
not talkin shit. just explaining.

i wish i could use this conversation style as if we were talking on the computer.. but this is the only part of the conversation that i remember word for word. and of course.. the end i remember word for word.

he knew i was upset. basically i started talking. explaining the last three weeks to a tee. how im frustrated. how ive been crying. what i did that night sitting up all night waiting for him to come back crying my eyes out. i didn’t cry. i didn’t cry up until the point where i told him he stood me up and couldnt tell me himself and how i explained to richard "who he saw scotty with" at jrs. which was obviously rikki. he went quiet during my tears at one point i thought he hung up but he was still there listening. i sucked up the tears and stopped crying. for what? why was i crying over that shit i have no idea.

basically he told me he knew it was wrong the way he left me. hes heard from everyone im furious with him. which i am but more upset than furious. he said he didn’t mean to call me and make me emotional. i said i didnt expect to see him and then saturday nor did i expect to hear his voice and then bam he called. i asked him what made him call me and he said he seen the way i reacted at the pub when i walked in. i said the same thing which made me shaky and unstable. its because when i walked in he put his head down as if he was ashamed. he said no he just felt like an asshole. then i told him im always at the bar 9 times out of 10. he said hes always by himself. and then i corrected saying no.. just not at jrs.

he explained to me his recent dui. how he was planning to move into a house in DH.. leave rikki. i just said ive heard it all before and im sick of hearing about rikki. when i was talking to him on the phone i could almost see him in my head how he was talking back to me. i could see his eyes melting out. i could see his head down. i said i was sorry that the dui happened to him and i know how it feels to be in that horrible position of being in trouble with court. he told me to save my sorries for someone who needs them because i dont owe him any.. and if anyone should be saying sorry its his apologies to me.

i said WHY!? WHY are YOU sorry to ME?!

"because i don’t want to weigh you down this road that is going no where with me. because i couldn’t tell you but i could let everyone else know that we were finished."

so are we done? because this is your chance right now to tell me that we are finished. cause im sick of hearing it from everyone else and making me look stupid. so tell me yourself.

"linda.. i will always care about you and you’re the best thing thats ever happened to me. but arent you getting tired of hearin everyone say "linda scotty" scotty linda?

yeah i am tired of that so? you had ME. of all people. me. sure it irritated me. but people want to watch us fall.

when i was saying that i feared he would hang up. i pretty much thought he was going to. but he wasn’t even the slightest mad. he wasn’t begging me for forgiveness either.. overall we talked about the last three weeks. and how he feels like shit. and how i feel like hanging myself at certain points. i feel like im missing a whole part of this conversation.

oh yeah..

before we all jump the gun and get all pissy at me. i asked to see him tonight. i asked him. and he said he could do that. after he gets off work he will stay at his buddys house who lives near me and is working with him. he’d be back from mt. pleasant and around here around 1am.

just so everyone knows i am not telling anyone who lives in this town. including my best friend. including marisa. including kelly from the bar. including angeline. all of these close friends of mine i have at home will not know i even talked to scotty. just this diary. for my own sake im honestly getting tired of people telling me how weak i am to scotty.

this is the closure i needed though. i made my point around the town and it obviously got to him bad enough to call me and ask me himself. the end of the conversation he asked me about 4 times if i was alright. i think he was trying to figure out if i was crying. i said im fine. just in shock.. and a little nervous about seeing him tonig

ht. he told me not to get nervous because he doesn’t want me to feel sick. which is the normal feeling around him. he gave me an hour window from 1230 to 130 am that hed be around in the area and call me around that time to come see me. or me see him. whatever he plans on doing. i told him that if he can not make this window he needs to call and let me know later or if he can’t show up at all. and if he doesn’t bother to call then he has no other reason to call me again.

he said he knows and hes not going to promise me anymore since hes broken too many.

we didnt say i love yous. he said he’d check up on me later after his first store to make sure im still planning to see him.

when we got off the phone i felt a massive wave of relief over me.

but then. i wanted to call someone right away and tell them omg.. blah blah blah and talk for another two hours.

but i didn.t instead. i came here. i know i shouldn’t have asked to seen him. and maybe this is some game in his head trying to win me back. fine so be it. to me this is fixing something he broke. and anything sexual or physical is tearing me into shreds even more. i think we both knew we were falling apart the last 4 months. and i think we both know that his and my relationship just cannot work.

sure he misses me. im sure he does. especially seeing me. fuck id miss me too.

i miss him. i still thought he looked good underneath all of the panicking and shakes. underneath all of the anger and hate i had towards him. i know he cares. im just shocked he called me so fast. i know how he works i figured hed call me one day.. maybe after a few more times of running into me.

im glad he didnt say anything to me at the pub. i wouldve flipped out. im glad he called me on a personal level. because the bar would eat up the shit if they seen scotty say even HI to me.

ugh. im off to play normal to my friends… and prepare myself for tonight.

again. you can be harsh if you think i deserve it.. but in all honestly i will defend if i disagree.. i need the chapter to end. not stop in mid sentence.

-L