episode 52.

about 5 minutes ago i suffered a major panic attack.

earlier i woke up around 3pm. i didn’t want to get up. my dreams forced me to. i kept dreaming about scotty.. scottys van.. kelly. just everything.. the letters. the lies.. when i sleep i see him.. its so surreal. so vivid. and being awake is even worse. cause my mind sits on my brain so heavily. i cant concentrate on anything anymore. i feel so lifeless.. like my soul was just ripped out of me. i feel like ive just been raped. like my whole body was just robbed from right under my nose. i feel so used. so degraded. so worthless. i feel like i was already at rock bottom with no job no more school.. my life sitting at a standstill.. and i thought well at least i still have sex with him releasing all of my pain through him. and now not only did he find the biggest knife he could find to stab me in the back and stomach twice but he twisted the knife so hard i feel like a ghost in this world.

when i woke up i showered and got dressed. burned a cd. a few of his songs were on it.. music is my life. thats one thing he won’t change. i can listen to a song that reminds me of him. i can listen to any song really. memories tied to it never matter in my book. i took 20 dollars from the cash stash (my mom has a cash stash i grab from when in need of gas ciggarettes.. whatever… as long as i write the reason down though) i told my dad i was going to look for a job. i didnt tho. i didnt have any gas.. and i spent the leftover drug test money on booze. i put ten in the tank and went to the pub bought a bucket. i drank and todd came up and mooched a beer off me. ugh irritating. after that i left the bar. decided to show up to wesley pipes house.. i needed to get high.. i wasnt numb. head still heavy. i smoked and got really high.. matthew was there. which i had no warning. which pissed me off.

matthew and i have been close friends for 3 years. he is three years younger than me. and when he met me he had a huge crush on me. he was only 16 when we met. and it was right before i met scotty.. i still hung around matt when i slowly started turning scottys way and away from the lesbians. he was a virgin.. two summers ago i took his virginity.. scotty knew but we werent talking at the time. three months after i took matts virginity he met a girl named brittany. they dated forever.. we never liked eachother but whatever. matt and i were still friends. just recently about a month ago matt instant me ranting about missing brittany. and i was already pissed off the entire day.. hes told me several times hes sick of hearing about scotty. and he started ranting about brittany over and over so i dogged her. she treated him the same way scotty treated me. and i dogged her until there was nothing left he could prove she was innocent. cause shes obviously a dumb bitch who is just craving his attention and smashing his heart into the ground. he wasnt happy with my response.. and we got into a huge arguement.. then he said i took advantage of him and talked him into sleeping with me.. and the best part the whole finale of it all.. he told me I raped him. I STOLE his virginity. immediately deleted and blocked.

my best friend posted a post on facebook with my name tagged and his name tagged along with a few others.. talking about a zombie apocolypse. i know stupid.. but six people including him me and my best friend were commenting on it. the post went as far as 200 comments. he was talking but since i blocked him i couldnt read his posts. so i unblocked him. and sure enough he acted like nothing ever happened. everyone was aware of what he said to me and why we werent friends.. and they could see the tension in the post rising.. because i was making comments calling him a little girl in nice words and that he needs to carry mase. but of course he ignored it. and avoided all of my comments and going with what everyone else was saying.

so back to earlier today i walked into pipes house and he answered the door. he said look lets just be civil. i looked at wes saying where was that fucking warning? but i didnt care i sat down and got over it i just wanted to smoke his pot. matt actually tried talking to me. a few days ago wesley pipes called me asking me about weed and if i can get ahold of scotty for him. so after i walked in the door today i told him next time he calls me that there is no scotty and i ever again. and matt was like "yeah yeah i said the same thing" and i looked right at him and said "no one was fucking talking to you.. you have no right to comment on what i just said. so shut the fuck up"

i was told to calm down. but thats serious to me. i didnt fucking rape him. he was conchise. he can go fuck himself along with calling me a rapist.

after i got stoned i left there i went back up to the pub to see the night shift bartender alayna.. who is fucking amazing love her. shes underage but she poured her and i a free shot in styrofoam cups and cheers in the bathroom. ahh i love it. red bought me a beer then i left saying i might be back trying to figure something out.  trying to find someone with a car who would take me out for the night.. but i had no luck so i just came home. watched my tv shows. my mom came home and we were playing on her ipad. out of no where my phone starts to blow up on private. i picked it up and hung up a few times. then my mom went to bed.. and i got in bed sitting on the computer.. she calls again. this time i got a voicemail. i listen to it.. "urgent message" its quiet at first. then i hear two people making out.

i just paused for a minute after just writing that sentence.

i pushed seven. i started shaking. typing hysterically. i didnt even cry. i couldnt cry. what i was feeling inside me felt like i just exploded inside. just writing this right now my adenalin is flaming.

i started ranting to ashley and crying non stop typing to her. i explained what happened friday and saturday and that i was sorry for not telling her what was going on only because shes married to scottys best friend. and co worker. then she said "so thats why he was so smashed saturday night.. he was at the pub" and i was like what? and then she said she was forbidden by her husband to tell me. fuck that. tell me or dont strike up my curiosity. so then she said "scotty went to jail saturday night.. so thats why i said it probably wasnt him who rikki was making out with on the voicemail.. but it is monday and he probably seen the judge today and got bailed out so it could be him"

bro it WAS them. i heard it. and then i laughed. karma is a bitch isnt it scotty? he got pulled over and arrested and i walked to the pub after kelly told me he left and got drunk. interesting. but i cant believe rikki left that voicemail. i am disgusted. i felt like puking. i had a huge panic anxiety i dont fucking know. but it felt like i was losing it..

then ashley told me to come smoke a joint with her. im calm now but just recapping all that shit h

as urked the fuck out of me. i have a great best friend. and im happy that we didnt talk about scotty and me. i just want to stay under the radar from now on. i want my name extinct from his life. i hope they both fuck off and die.

how many more low blows am i gonna take? til i fuckin murk both of them into the ground. i dont think ill get that insane. but fuck. i dont even know what im supposed to think about anymore. i am just in pure awe of everything happening like this to me. i dont even think he deserves that letter. he just needs to realize he wont get any more information about what i am doing. ive told everyone that knows him including his cousins that if he dare ask about me tell him i said to go FUCK yourself. ill be laughing when karma knocks you flat on your faggle face. good lord. im fucking losing it. and every time i scratch my nails down someone elses back i hope he fuckin feels it.

FUCK.
MY
LIFE.

-L