episode 44.

thank you all again for the notes. even though its really hard for me to follow through with them.

i know what i need to do and thats simply walking away from this situation. but i am not lying when i say that he is the strongest addiction that hangs over me. every five minutes his name is in my head. or a reminder floats in my mind. i know he has a whole other life with his children and disgusting mother of two of them. and i am aware i am driving myself in circles with him.

i know that this is a game and the strongest connection that him and i have together is purely the sexual activity. it’s all i ever think about really. for some reason all i want is to please someone who barely has any time for me at all. is constantly breaking promises and words to me. i know all of this while he’s gone. while i haven’t heard from him.. i know it all. but as soon as i see him unexpectedly. or receive a phone call from him i am always caught off guard. he never calls from a same number.. theyre always different numbers. and every time i hear his voice.. or see his face.. everything i told myself to do to keep my mind off of him all gets shoved down my throat and i grow so weak i forget everything of trying to avoid him.

i know that there is a small tiny chance that he could possibly change and one day give me what i want. its so small though. and i know this. but my heart is way too big and my hope for him never goes away. i know that i am unhappy in my life right now. and i try to listen to everyone and follow through the advice. he knows he has me wrapped. and as much that i hate to think he might find it all funny to him that he always has me wrapped. but when he’s next to me its a different person. he puts on a show so good for me i buy his act every time. and i cannot figure out why i always listen to him.

as hard as i try and even though i feel bounced around like a ping pong back and forth i know its unhealthy for my own sanity. and i do wish sometime soon he will take me or leave me. but it does take two to decide that. i need his support for my sanity as well. and both of us are completely unstable. i don’t want to throw excuses to any of you or my friends and family at home. and i know that all i am doing is excusing myself. he makes me feel good. better than good. and what we have when were together is more than sex.

in the last month.. or two.. ive scared myself that him and i were done. when i look at the last two years with him i figure we’re going to keep doing this for way longer. it scares me to think that it could let us keep going this way. i know stereotypically i look awful. but in all honesty i don’t care what anyone says about me behind my back. i know it looks bad. but when him and i are alone the truth is talked about instead of what "they" say. and we’ve always been the hot topic of our friends socially. its always scotty and linda and linda and scotty on their tongues. its almost like our friends just want to see drama.. and try to split us up but the more they try the closer we get.

its frustrating i wish it wasn’t this way but i was warned in the beginning. when i was a lesbian and i seen him for the first time. he told me before we even kissed about his fucked up life. i dont know how that attracted me in that moment but i keep holding on to it thinking were meant to be. i think if we were miles away or were never introduced none of this would be my concern. and id still be wanting someone though. i dont think hes the most unheathy relationship.. for all i know i could be in worse.

i feel bad. even writing this entry i feel bad. i feel like ive annoyed everyone with ranting and raving about scotty. and it sucks. thats not the kind of person i want to be. but its almost always on my mind. and even when i think its over he pulls me right back.

i can’t explain why i am so drawn. its just so hard to pull away.

im sorry ive been a really shitty noter lately. but i still read. ive been sick.. and drowning myself in tv and soup to feel better. yeah im being a hermit.

ill get around though.. promise.

-L