episode 40.

today was eventful.

last night i couldnt sleep i stayed up til around 530am. woke up at 11 to go to the therapist today. i don’t know why i couldn’t sleep.. something was bothering me. every time i heard a loud vehicle drive by i looked out the window. hoping it was him driving past my house. i finally got to sleep and when i woke up to go to therapy it was the longest three hours of my life.

i waited.. no phone to play with no one to talk to filled out paperwork. what a drag. when i finally met her we talked about everything. i cake walked it. i briefed my life up to this point to her. i noticed that i only mentioned scotty once.. she asked about him.. but we were talking about amber (my first and ex girlfriend) more than him. which confused me. when i got home i watched the good wife. laid in bed. and every time a car drove by id look out my window.. so i decided to sit downstairs with the big screen and my lap top.

i started talking to ashley. and then my father informed me that my mom is going to florida for a week leaving friday morning which i will be taking her to the airport. then my father is leaving at 3am friday morning to go to mt pleasant for the weekend. hence the house is mine for the weekend.

every time my parents went out of town and i had the house alone scotty was always with me. even sometimes id get so drunk id want to pass out. every time he would always put me in bed.. even undress me checking on me if i was sick. and he always stayed up and would stop drinking making sure that everyone got out of my house okay with no problems. and then hed come to bed with me.

when i started talking to ashley i gave in. i missed him. i asked her about him. and theyre planning the fights this saturday. i definitely dont want to go due to last time. my mindset of scotty told myself that he had to have been thinking about me. we never go without communication this long. and half of me wants to talk to him.. like a literal fuck everything and just collapse in his arms. i knew i shouldnt have but i was desperate. im fresh off the rag. no parents this weekend. i want this. and sad to say i don’t want to sleep with ryan. i just dont think itd be even close to the excitement when im with scotty.

ive been messaging ryan back and forth. and i even mentioned my parents leaving the house to myself. he never responded. so i just left him alone. ive come across that im pretty sure ryan works way more than scotty. and its even more frustrating he barely has time to talk. it was the same way with scotty. everything is just so confusing.

so then as im sitting at home talking to ashley.. she said we should have a little euchre gig at my house.. i agree. me corey ashley.. okay whos the fourth. both of us knew what was going through our heads.. she said ill see what i can do. and i told her to not make it look desperate. she said she mentioned it to corey.. then she wrote to me..

"he said snotty changed his number.. and that he wants you to stop calling his house on private.. he said this a while ago. i think.. idk.. i know you don’t do it though lin."

my heart sank in the bottom of my chest. i even closed the lid to my lap top and cried. i instantly remember the phone calls when i worked at the pub last friday. rikki called me and when i called back he answered claiming he never called and hung up.. i did call private.. and then after he hung up i called again and she answered. she set me up to piss him off making it look like im calling them on private. i felt sick. i just couldn’t stop crying.

i had a huge panic attack. i couldn’t calm down.. i went outside for a cigarette. i was losing my mind. an hour goes by and im just devestated.. like its real this time.. hes really done.. i started talking to my best friend who kept reminding me he will come around. i was so negative.. no hes done.. its been too long. and then she said hes went longer. which is true except by two days.

my facebook posts were getting even more depressing. the bartender kelly who works at the pub told me to cut the facebook shit out.. i messaged her and wrote this..

i cant stop crying kelly.. i dont want this to be over..
i dont know if this helps.. but i saw him last night.. he asked about you.. he knows you lost your phone.

i read this and literally cried my sinus’ to stuffed i couldn’t breathe. he misses me. this grabbed my attention. i was shaking. this made me want him even more..

whered you see him? is that all he said? he asked about me? god i miss him so fucking much. hes killing me. i need him so bad kelly.. i feel so dead right now
He just asked where u were. I told him I hadn’t seen u but I talked to u on fb n that u lost ur phone. I know its hard.I saw mike at his exes loading the uhaul. He’s gone now and now I feel like I have no reason to stay here. That’s why I’m leaving.
i cant stop shaking i fucking need him so bad. i dont know what to do. my parents are going away for the weekend. i just want to talk to him so bad thank you. for telling me this. ive been going crazy.. and it feels like he hates me right now. and that he doesnt miss me. im so desperate to find him. im going insane.. and im sorry about mike. i know i told you that you should try to move on. but everything i said to you comparing me to scotty is a lie. im fucking losing my head.. i miss him so fucking much. im freaking out. i need him
I understand. After the bar last friday n all the hugs n kisses n I love u, mike asked me to come stay with him n I didn’t. So we texted back n forth til 6am. Thought I’d see him on sat. He never showed. I texted him a few times b4 he left n I got no responses. Wtf is that all about? They suck!
=[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[
Well, there’s no longer any hope for my situation. But scottys still here. So give him time to miss u a little. Maybe he will wise up.
was he there by himself?
When I met mike, I just had my heart broken n was planning on finally getting outta here n starting over. But then he came along n I changed my mind. I won’t let that happen again, this time I’m going. And for whatever reason he had in his head not to respond to me after all that shit on f

riday, I don’t think I’m capable of forgiving that! and yes scotty was alone.
fuck mike. what a dirtbag. ugh im sorry love. =[ but in a sense i kinda think scottys the same way. i miss the fuck out of him. im so pissed at myself because i didnt go up there last night. you workin friday and saturday?
Ya. But I’m thinkin bout takin sat off. I wanna go somewhere.
im going to throw a little party here.. if you wanna come.
its possible for sure just need to get away from everything that reminds me of him
by the way ive been going crazy missing him. and its only been 12 days without scotty. i dont want to be alone the whole weekend. especially the last time i threw a party he was here with me. its just so aggravating. ugh!
Well, like I said, he was asking about you so at least he’s thinking about you. You never know, he could pull his head outta his ass.
im surprised he asked. usually if gio is working he’ll say a bunch of other stupid shit.. like linda and i were never together type of bull. i wonder why he said that to you. =[
Bcuz I’m not a kid like gio n he knows I know the truth. You guys spent an entire weekend at MY HOUSE! There is no bullshitting me and he knows that! 😉
=] this is true. just the last 12 days felt like he wanted nothing to do with me. and i myself acted like im moving on. but it all comes back over time and its like fuck the 12 days i want you now! i wonder if my phone was on if he would call me. gah!
Well, maybe he tried, couldn’t reach you, and that’s why he showed up.
i hate being a chick. its so easy for them. he probably just misses the sex. idk though.. the longer hes gone the more emotional i get when i see him again BLAH
Trust me, I know. Had I known I wouldn’t see mike again, I wouldve stayed with him. But I’m never gonna see him again. I have to learn to live with that so I guess its better I didn’t go there cuz I’m sure he just wanted sex n it wouldve killed me. I’m not that strong…that wouldve broke me.
you know i think thats all he wanted also. im sorry. gosh i wish he wasnt such a dickwad
Well I gave him everything I possibly could. At least I didn’t do that. So if that’s really all he wanted, guess the joke was on him. All his boys saw that I didn’t coming running too. So I guess I get to keep my pride.Bet your ass if that’s what he wanted, he talked shit to his boys bout it. Lol! Howd that work out for ya? Lmao!
ughh and i bet scotty just misses the sex as well. cause you know damn well i wont let him leave without it.

if any of you have read the last few entries mike and kelly stand out in one of them. i do feel horrible about it. yet i am happy with myself that i did not have sex. i would tell her but that would just complicate things. he moved to texas. touche. and if mike was texting her the entire night friday/saturday morning.. all he cared about was ass. i know kelly doesn’t know i was there at mikes house with pat. but he is scum.

now that i think about it id rather scotty move away than mike for kelly. i feel like shes free.. and im still caged in this madness of pain. i know shes hurting but overall we both went through the same guy scenario. it was just intense. i know we both are different. but its so easy to do the same thing over again. look at me. im so weak just talking about him. im actually admitting that i am desperate to see him. so weak.

this is driving me crazy. i almost dont trust myself to be home alone this weekend. im always going to want "a last time" with scotty. and now he asks kelly where im at… showed up at the pub the night after i was just there losing my phone like a dumbass. this is frustrating. one day i tihnk i can completely get rid of him. he is heroin. and then the next. tears well up missing him and just hearing about him.. or reading his name. im torn apart..

then i talk to ryan.. hes still at work.. going home to bed.. then work 11 hours the next day. to be honest i never brought up the weekend again. because my mind thinks that theres a chance which will probably happen by the sound of it.. scotty will be at my house this weekend. i can almost feel it. but i dont even want to think that.. because if im disappointed im fucked.

the fact of the matter is i just want to get laid. and the best sex known to ever have is with scotty. but scotty is just a fucking mind fuck. and i drug thats almost nearly impossible to get off. when we have sex its fireworks and crazy. and i haven’t even talked to him. were literally communicating through our friends.. thank you stupid phone.

im getting another phone tomorrow.. same number. which also scares me. im losin it. FUCK.

=[ someone please save me. i just don’t know what to do.

and please if youre reading this and you’re going to be fucking rude. then don’t waste your damn time. yeah i like critical shit.. critical advice.. shit that hits home thats fine. but disrespect me by all means i guess ill force myself to make this diary favorites only. cause some of the shit ive been seeing lately is just beyond disrespectful.. i like having a public diary so ANYONE can read. because i love to read other peoples lives as well. but im not tolerating any offensive notes. this is why some people hesitate and leave out half of the truth due to what other people say leaving nasty comments and remarks. beyond pathetic. go shit on your own parade.

=] and to the rest of you noters if i was someone else reading this.. yeah i think im psychotic. but its the truth. i cant just cut corners out of my life. gotta put the whole thing in.. as guilty and slutty as i feel.. at least its out..

ugh. im going to pass out. this day has been a very stressful one.

-L