episode 38.

well where to start.

after the scenario with pat and mike i woke up next to pat and had my friend dustin pick me up and take me home. when i got home i was wide awake.. slept for probably a few minutes then was up and watching tv. my parents had a euchre party to go to saturday night so i was just all blahh i stayed home by myself.

i started ragging friday so the weekend just pretty much rained on me. =[ the weather was so nice friday.. saturday it started getting colder.. but i was mostly cooped up in the house.

i remembered that i hadn’t talked to ryan since he said we were supposed to see a movie thursday. i was pissed. it was saturday he didn’t go to the pub at his brothers band night where i worked one night out of the scenario. i even asked max if his brother would be there.. and he said who knows. he never showed friday.

well max’s band played at a different location saturday night. my computer crashed last night it had a nasty virus so i just ignored the computer and went online through the ipad. but around 10pm i seen ryans post saying "my brother rocked out" i was so pissed. he went to the token to see his brother play but hasn’t texted me or anything when ive been expecting to see him.

i texted him. i know i shouldnt have but i did.

so whyd you stop talking to me?
ive been really busy.. my sister just came in town unexpectedly and i was pretty sure you were mad at me
why did you think i was mad at you?
because of thursday
i got upset that you never responded why couldnt you have just texted me and told me you couldn’t go out with me?
i dont know i was just busy as fuck and i thought you were mad at me so i just left you alone until you wanted to talk to me again.
i was never mad at you just pretty much sad. i just like being around you thats all.
im sorry
dont worry about it.. i know youre busy. are you at the token?
yeah are you spyin on me slim?
i was going to go but i didnt since i didnt see you last night at the pub.
i had to work at 4 this morning so i came here.. sorry im not going to be here long. theyre over already
oh i see well i hope you had a good night out.. goodnight
what are you doing?
just sitting at home alone..
im tryin to work out shit to see if i can come get you
nooo.. dont bother.. i look like shit. its already getting late.. youve been up since four.. just have fun
the night is still young.
right well…
can i text you later?
sure.

i figured he wouldnt call. and he didnt. i talked to marisa on the phone.. my parents came home.. i was just getting tired.. marisa and i talked about the night before with pat and mike.. she had me rolling.. i had a good conversation with her.. then i got off the phone cause tim wanted to come over and smoke with me.

tim currently lives in the UP. he used to live south east with the rest of us but he moved.. we had a fling. a sexual one only. basically we were just fuck buddies when i was going to college and back and forth with scotty.. but i hadnt seen him in so long i figured he just wanted to catch up.. but he kept talking about sex with me again.. so i kept shoving on him that im on the rag.. and he was asking me questions and saying things like there are still ways to get eachother off. i told him i hadnt slept with anyone since scotty and i dont plan on doing it since we broke up. i just want him to be the last guy ive been with for a while.. until i figure out who i want to be with.. he even got to asking for just a handjob instead.. but when i was getting ready to answer that text my phone rang.

a random number called me at 2am. when i answered i thought it was scotty. my heart was pounding and i said who is this? scotty would say "who the fuck you think it is.." or just completely ignore that i even asked who it was and start a different conversation.. but it was ryan. ahh i was relieved it was ryan..

"im at the pub right now.. you want to come stay the night with me and sleep next to me tongiht?"

i looked around at myself. i felt like shit.. looked like shit.. i dont even know why i said yes.. but he said hed be there in ten minutes.. i quickly changed and was out the door. i texted tim to forget it. he even said "ill stop asking.. i just want to see you" ugh i dont know how to end fuck buddy relationships.. he even threw on the "im moving to cali soon so you probably wont see me for a long time" yeah right.. he wants to see me to try to fuck. he dont want to see me to chill. ugh so relieved i was with ryan.. his uncle and max his brother were in the car.. we went back to the house. we started a movie. i drank a beer and smoked a joint with the boys.. then his uncle left.. max went to bed and ryan and i laid down on the couch.. it was getting so late.. around 330am.. i was exhausted.. but i was so comfortable in his arms.. he kissed me. i thought to myself how mad i was at him just never showed it.. we talked a little bit.. but over all it was a good night.. he was kissing my neck and ears running his tongue all over me..

why do ALL opportunities of getting laid come the days im ragging. i felt like such a tease..

he suggested we should go to sleep.. and then i reminded him that he didn’t take me out with him tonight anyway.. and he said i was right. i mean who has 2800 cash in their pocket and not invite me out since he thought i was scared. i could tell he was happy i was at home though instead of out with someone else. i dont know how to figure ryan out.. hes like so quiet and nervous.. it almost feels like hes afraid of me. its cute tho. even though i was mad and figured he just wasnt interested since he never texted back.

idk tho.. things are looking better? besides me being on the rag.

its been eight days since scotty and i broke up.. i dont know if i feel like a huge whore? or if im just lashing out trying to get over him? or if im over him and moving on to the next chapter

? or if im gonna stay single for a huge while? idk wtf is going on. all i know is i dont feel like me so much anymore.

i do miss scotty. sad as that sounds. i really thought i could get him and keep him since he made me so happy. i dont understand why feelings exist.

-L