272. self destruct

 i want to die.

at this point in my life. i have nothing. my whole world has been flipped upside down. so i submit to scotty. and he stood me up.

i went to jail monday night. charged with owi possession of marijuana and he seized my vehicle again. so second offense is 1800 which is a total of 2000. just got a lawyer for 5 grand. so im 8 grand in debt. not counting the 50 grand i owe to school.

this fucking fag cop and i had it out. so he threw me in jail for 13 hours. 

i hadnt slept in days. last night scotty and i got a room together. since i have no vehicle im going to work in my moms car. and ive been carless since my car is seized.

i had a hundred dollar bill on me. the only funds i had since my debit card is in my car and my id is confescated so i have no way of touching that money.

he spent all of it. he fucked me. i got off. he spent almost all night with me. he said he was going to switch out vehicles and be right back since im carless. 

he left at 5am. he never came back.

i figured he went to jail. so i called every single jail i could think of. he had left his wallet and phone charger.. so i stayed up all night waiting by the window and crying my fucking eyes out.

check out was 11 so i got kicked out. started walking.. 

called someone who cares… yet hes married. joy. he came and picked me up. and took me home.

i texted my parents that i dont want to live anymore.

mind you i dont have scottys number so i cant call him.. and he calls me off private to arrange. or to talk to me.

as soon as i got home he called off private. i answered. he kept saying he apologizes. not hes sorry. but he apologizes. he asked where i was and i said home and hung up.

he came over and told me im too emotional and my emotions have nothing to do with love as i kept crying. he demanded his wallet so i headed to my room and he followed me. i handed them to him and laid down on my bed back facing him and he came around and tried hugging and kissing me.

he told me that im going to be miserable forever for the way i handle things and get so hung up on a bad night and that he apologizes again.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

i balled. he said he didnt get sleep either he accidently passed out waiting for his dad to get home.

yeah i smell that lie.

he tried hugging me. again. and then walking towards my front door saying he has to go and hes got shit to do.

i kept crying. he left.

i ran outside screaming his name and the truck just drove away. he didnt hear me. or see me.

i went back in the house and collapsed screaming.

i wish i didnt wake up tomorrow.

i want to fucking kill myself.

i have nothing.

-L