249. moods

sunday i had off and scotty didnt have to work til 6. i had picked him up and took him to the bar cause he was hungry and let him watch his football. i paid. we were having a good time at the bar.. and then i asked him to lay me before he goes to work because i was just sad and emotional from wills passing.

he talked a bunch of shit but i convinced him and rented a room for two hours. he used every minute of those two hours on me. it was beautiful.. and a huge relief. then he told me he was getting coke monday. and we’d get a room and i could be a coke whore for him since he used all of his energy on me and then went to work.

after we left the room.. i took scotty home so he could go to work and picked up brittany to print pictures of will and go to his sisters house (his apartment too) to comfort her. we got super stoned. scotty was sending me dirty text messages (i think he kept forgetting about will) i was excited but i didnt want to appear laughing when ive been on and off crying hysterically over william.

so i was texting scotty and listening to melissa (wills sister) talk about wills life.. i hadnt seen him in over a year. i found my old facebook messages to him dated july 22nd.. i even tried going to back track on my diary around then. but we were talking about my new job at 80s and how scotty wasnt being a player douchebag.

since i barely know about wills life in the last year.. here’s what i heard from his sister of what happened: will is 27.. worked at fritolay.. total gay white boy but everyone falls in love with him FAST. he was always up beat.. bouncin around.. in everyones face. the ladies loved him the most.. he was usually single most of the time i was around him.. he would always be with me and brittany. (this is how we started the initial name calling.. Britt was B.. I was L.. and Will with the coolest initial I suggested.. "dubs".) when brittany was single.. he was single.. and i was on and off with scotty on a basis.. we’d always party together.. and do crazy shit.. always smoke in the same apartment and share our dramatic stories.. the last time i had talked to him in person was when he picked me up and drove me to alberts ( a bar) and we drank.. he had told me he met someone.. 

apparently.. this guy was toxic. he kept taking him to casinos.. blowing hundreds of dollars on hotels and gambling.. melissa had no idea how broke he was.. he ended up pawning his lap top in the end. he was on and off with his boyfriend and b and i just found out that he was admitted to hospitals and wards for suicide attempts..

if anyone had known how deep this got with him.. i would definitely be there for him. i wish i was talking to him.. its SO sad. were all shocked..

melissa found him saturday to wake him up for work.. her cat puked in front of melissas door.. went to wake up will touched his foot.. but.. she knew something was wrong.. he was on his back.. on the floor.. she thinks he took too many sleeping pills on top of his meds.

hearing her story sent me chills. i did NOT sleep well that night.. after crying all day.

when i awoke i jumped out of bed. to scotty knocking on my window.. he showed me his phone letting me know mine was dead.. i came outside to smoke with him and ian (coreys brother) and ian took the van while scotty stayed in my car and i went with him for a drug deal. i didnt want to work so i had dan cover me. scotty hadn’t slept. so we got a room.. for the night

this night was the most weirdest experiences ive ever had with scotty. and waking up next to him made me want to cry i was so scared with both of our moods. we werent arguing.. but we were frustrated.. i could tell he was getting frustrated with money.. because he was buying everything that day. we kept running over the living together and stop getting hotels.. 

we were doing lines with eachother smoking and drinking.. but our moods.. they just werent there.. they werent the same.. when one was trying to cheer the other up.. the other would get depressed depressing the person who tried cheering that person up which leads to a never ending cycle.

it was my fault first.. i had sucked his dick for a long time waiting to get laid.. and he said wed be laid all night and dont worry.. well we had no luck on our website which was frustrating us.. we even went to the bar next door to play keno and waste more money..

for the first time ever we were in a funk.. 

and even at the bar i was at the jukebox.. and scotty would come up behind me kissing me.. then when we sat down it was just awkward again.. scotty got undressed and in to the shower.. and i came in.. i think he expected me to come in with him. but i was clothed and he was getting out.

it was SO frustrating for both of us cause i could tell how mad i was getting just not letting it show.. and he was doing the same thing. 

it wasnt fun.

idk. im at such an uneasy point. funeral is thursday.. i dropped scotty at home he wasnt feeling too well.. i think coke made us that way.. or something. idk. but it really blew.. the only good part is that we were still our normal selves.. he was still holding me under the covers.. kissing me in bed.. he even got hard and pressed himself against my ass.. but nothing happened.. cause he just wasnt in the mood.. and when he isnt.. neither am i.

whatever this funk is.. monday totally sucked.. and this shit needs to stop.

now him and i are both asking eachother whats wrong and replying with nothing.. i asked him if he was getting sick of me.. he said no. he said i love you too. he said hed call me.. he stills leans in.

BLAH

i miss you william.

-L