185. broke

i could only take so much until i snapped. i broke. with the help of rikki.

the day before christmas eve.. that night plus the two nights before that one.. he told me hed try to see me for at least ten minutes before christmas.. each night he would call and say he would call me if he couldnt make it out. ok fine. those two nights.. he didnt call but he would call the following morning and explain why.. blah blah and say hed see me the next night.

well the 23rd he sounded like he would see me for at least an hour after i got off work. he said hed be out by ten pm and would call me so he could see me. i got off work.. a long fucking day. i was stressed yet happy i had made a hundred dollars. i drove around depositing money into my bank.. and then went home.. then all of a sudden i went from feeling okay to just straight tears.. somehow i knew he wasnt going to call..

and he didnt. but rikki did. and that texting battle sent me over an edge. i lost it. lost all control. he didnt call eve or christmas day. i didnt attempt.. monday i broke down and called. rikki kept calling back. i just wouldnt answer..

then today i answered and heard his voice saying what.. (since i dont even talk when i answer the phone) i could tell i was on speaker so i hung up. then his phone texted me saying all of this shit.

s: dont bother calling if youre not going to answer either phone

me: who is this

s: scotty i tried calling you earlier

me: no its not

s: whatever im busy i dont have time for this shit

me: i just need to know if youre going on the first

s: depends on how i feel idk.. but most likely no.

me: why wont you just fucking show up?

s: idk.. i will try to call you later on this week. im busy

me: when will that be?

s: im playing a game with my son. i am busy. i will call you.

me: you wont even show up to your daughters 5th birthday. you say youre going to see me and you dont three nights in a row.. then you sick rikki on me like a dog harassing me.. if youre so fucking busy then shut your damn phone off.. or dont respond like a coward.

and that was it. i know he hates it when i call him a coward.. but i really dont think he can say anything back because its pathetic how you can spend christmas with your two kids from rikki but nevaeh and angel (oldest daughter) arent shit because they arent rikkis

rikki also rubbed in he bought her a lap top for christmas.. oh yeah? well good for him on loving giant hippos bitch. “he loves all of my fat” she tells me.. WELL GOOD! i hope you smother him to death.

i cant even express the rage going through me. i feel used.. manipulated.. crushed.. i feel like he is actually heartless.

it almost feels inhumane. how can someone cause me so much pain and regret? its disgusting how still i have the sexual memories floating through me. and its frustrating.. i will never get that back.

they have won. SHE has won. i am defeated.. i feel dead..

i feel worthless. most of all i feel like every man ive been with has chose to hurt me for no reason. i actually feel dumb.. like why cant i be happy.

and about the whole youre better off alone shit.. i AM alone. ive been alone the whole time i was with scotty. ALONE. i sleep alone. i live with my parents. i have no sisters or brothers.. and every friend has their significant other and their own children loving their time together..

you all can tell me its not so great all the time. well fuck you id rather have someone to love and fight with that does the same with me than have nothing at all and just be alone.

fuck alone. fuck all of it. who wants to be alone? sure as hell not me. single? ive been single.. for ever. not one guy has put a title on me.. not mike.. not scotty.. not no one..

everyone fucking uses me. so all of you with your boyfriends and your children and your married life. hold on to it dearly. and to everyone that has been telling me i can do whatever i want because i dont have any kids or any strings or any significant other over some time.. go fuck yourself.

im actually surprised that i am still alive and kicking. i HATE my life style. drugs mask over the pain. because if i did sit in this fucking house for days and weeks i would rip my hair out.. or at least attempt some sort of hangman.

and please dont tell me that the drugs are just for attention. its not. why is it that i can trust no one but my damn self. and then everyone fucking sits there and tells me all i need is myself.. coming from married people and fucking couples. you kidding me?

no offense to any of you.. but im fucking pissed.

i feel like theres only one person that understands.. and thats my damn dog. my fourteen year old dog who lives with my grandma. thats it..

the rest are all in their perfect lives.. “my life isnt perfect linda.. you’re life is better than mine” why because i dont have any kids? why because im not married or pregnant or in a relationship with someone?

what youd rather live on the sidelines like me? and always second best? and gullable as shit? and used? and have all these girls hating you because some men are attracted to me?

so what if im fucking 22. ive been alone LONG enough to think wayyyyy too much about everything in general.

i can list off so many reasons how i am used.. i hear so many people tell me how awesome i am. then why am i sitting on the fucking bench. even my work place is fucking happy go lucky.. GTFOutta here.

so yeah. maybe some of you think i need fucking help. well im too fucking stubborn now. i dont give a fuck really. my mind is fucking destroyed from all this tormenting.

im sick to DEATH of crying.. im sick to death of fucking caring. and everyone around me wants to know why IM depressed?

i dont need any sympathy.. i dont need a poor linda.. and i dont need some smart ass comments of i fucking told you so shit.

i get the fucking picture.. scotty used me for three years.. everyone told me til they were blue in the face. and i lost the war.

whoopti fucking do.

the rest of my potential relationships also lied cheated whatever the fuck they did. broke my god damn heart.

so there.. there you have it. i admit. im a fucking dumbass. and i dont listen to anyone.

perfect.

fuck the fucking world. no one gives a shit.

-L