176. honesty

for those of you readers out there who hold back some words fearing i may get offended.. thats your opinion and i made my notes and my diary public for a reason.. to bounce things off of one another.

so really.. i promise you i wont get offended.. if worse comes to worst i may get defensive.. but here goes.

i just got home from scotty taking me out.. this was not an easy set up for us.

i have so much to tell that has happened the last few days.. but keep in mind that this entry i will edit when i have time after work is a COMPLETE DISASTER.

im surprised he had given in after his rants his screams his yells and his vents.

do not get me wrong i was fifty times worse yelling at him. the only thing that kept scottys voice on the phone to listen to me is because when i sent him fifty text messages describing my pain.. i mentioned i didnt know what to do with myself anymore.. and that i feel dead.. like i would rather be dead.

i told him i hated him. and hes a lowlife scum bag. i told him that him and rikki are a match made in heaven.. two pieces of shit in a pod.

i called him a pussy. i threw nevaeh (for those of you who know about nevaeh) in the text messages. i told him because of his fertile ass dick a little girl wont have a dad.. and that he should grow some balls and tell her himself that his bitch with his two kids hates the fact scotty fathered another kid that isnt hers.

fuck rikki.

after i mentioned nevaeh i froze. its so sad. because i know he wants to get to know her. i know he wants to be in her life. he just doesnt know where to start. he doesnt realize how MUCH this shit affects me. how so entwined i am with ashley and her family.

i love that he loves his kids.. i love that he takes care of them.. and does anything for them. but.. hes procrastinating. what is he afraid of? that she will grow up to hate him for this? this isnt ALL of his fault. but its half. her mother is pathetic drug addict who cant support any of her kids or herself. but scotty did sleep with her.. once.

i know im leaving a lot out for those of you that are new readers.. i live in a jerry springer show.

after all of thse messages i sent him.. the mean and nasty ones he called me. he screamed one sentence at me "you want me to tell you what you wanna fuckin hear linda? will this make you fuckin feel better?!!? youve been begging me to tell you this one.. well fine.. i never fuckin loved you linda.. EVER. were done.. so fuck off and fuck you"

he lied. he knew i knew he was lying. but i still pretended to believe him. i cried hysterically on a delivery. i was kind of a ghost working.. in silence.. in thought.. deep thought.

i got drunk at ashley and coreys.. i was the seventh wheel.. yup. i blew up scottys phone.. just calling him. and then he called me.. he was screaming at me. yelling at me.. telling me hes tired of all of it..

ashley ripped the phone out of my hand.. and calmed him down after i hyperventilated on the porch.

i was so drunk. they walked me home.. i cried the whole way.. passed out.

saturday i worked 12 to 9. he called me at five..

he acted like nothing happened really.. he told me not to worry about the night before. i dont even remember fighting with him on the phone but i knew it happened.. he told me he would talk to me the next day.. i said okay and hung up

he called me. i picked him up.. we went to jrs.. they were packed.. then we went to the village. he bought me food. which made me realize ive been eating maybe one item each day.

and i realized i hadnt eaten in over 24 hours when he asked me what i wanted.. it was 9pm and the last time i ate was 5 pm yesterday.

i thanked him for the food and he asked why havent i been eating..

when we were in my car i told him what this whole situation is doing to me. its sickening me. im growing SICK over this guy. i told him i take my phone in the bathroom with me so i wont miss his call.

i told him how hurt how so upset he has made me. how i did Nothing to deserve this.

he sat there and stared into my dashboard.

its SO frustrating. because i know he wants me to be happy. he told me he loves me. its just.. its poison.

i cant keep my hands off this guy.. hes so beautiful to me.

i dont understand why i am so attached. just when i think he cut the rope between us.. hes back in my ear.

im still so upset over him. i like that he paid.. for everything..  i like that he smoked a blunt of some really good ass weed with me.. i like that he noticed things about me.. when i didnt think he was paying attention..

we were at a red light.. and my window was fogged up.. i drew a spiral down.. since it was raining and shit. idk i just drew one on the window.. and he asked how old i was

i looked at him like wtf?

and then he said because i was drawing on the window.. and he started drawing on his imitating me. then he would wipe it clean

he noticed my hair was cut.

no one said anything about my hair. not one person. not even at work.

he really knows how to make me feel better.. how to keep me talking.. how to keep me smiling.. he knows what i like.. he knows my every move

it sucks. i think about moving on all the time. i keep telling myself hes just a stupid guy. he isnt worth it.

but its so hard saying no. and when he knows im angry with him or upset in general.. he turns himself up a few more levels to just let me vent. let me breathe.. let me feel something better than all the headaches and bullshit drama thats bothering me 247.

i have to get some sleep. but i did not do anything to him.. he touched me.. ugh

i hate him.

-L

ps. ive read all your notes.. most of the latest ones i just read before i wrote this entry.. i feel so weak to you guys.. i feel like.. crap.