157. When your past knocks on your door.

The strangest things have been happening. I don’t know how this entry will be. But it has been a really weird fucking week.

I am so lazy I haven’t done shit about my computer so I just sit and type on the iPad. I’ve been absolutely going insane over Scotty. I wanna say that we just had a really bad fight. But I was the only one doing the fighting. I went nuts.

I was afraid of my damn self that’s how bad I was lashing out. I knew I would lash out as soon as I threw beer into the mix. Just didn’t think I would leave Scotty voicemails of my hot drunk mess. Worse than that was the pathetic text messages I sent him.

Scotty didn’t talk to me for about five days. He talked to me once and when he did he told me he was with Corey and he would call me back. He never did. I blew up his phone. And when i called Corey he answered the phone saying “I told rikki the same thing I’m not scottys phone” I told him to fuck off and hung up. And each day that went by without hearing his voice i kept freaking the fuck out. Not just on him. But everyone. He finally called me Saturday. I knew he was beyond pissed at me. He didn’t even yell at me.. He told me he was sick of his friends reading my Facebook to him. Which I understand. But he still should’ve fucking called me.

I didn’t even waste my time yelling neither did he. We got over it in less than ten seconds and he came over to see me. I’ve been back to seeing him every day.. Back to the routine of him texting me, and being our goodselves together. This morning he called me woke me up and laid in my bed with me. He looks so weird in a pink yellow and green bed. It was only for an hour. But it was nice laying with him in silence.

So here comes the title of this entry. Im pretty sure I never mentioned a girl named Mary before. When I was sixteen through my bad ass days. I was really close to a girl named Mary. At the time I called her my best friend. Since I spent every day with her. When I ran away for a week from home. I hung out a lot with marys crush. While she went to school. While I hung out with mark… I did mention to him my best friend had liked him. A few days later. I woke up naked only remembering mark putting zanny bars in my mouth. I came back home from running away and I eventually told Mary that we slept together. She sounded okay over the phone like she would get over it soon. But the very next day after I skipped school again. Mary showed up at my house. I had two black eyes and bruises all over my face. My dad came outside and Mary left. After my ass got beat mark picked me up and we rolled on ecstacy. My parents came up with some lie about going to new York because my great aunt was about to die. She’s perfectly healthy. But I arrived in a minor prison my parents left me in for fifty two weeks. 5/16/06 – 5/16/07. When I got home finally my brain was fucked up from being locked up for so long. But I wasn’t even home for four hours and mark showed up and ended up knocking on my door. We talked for ten minutes on my porch and he told me he had got Mary pregnant. And he begged me to leave with him. I was crazy about this guy. Almost the same as I feel about Scotty today. However.. When my parents locked me up in new York. I turned gay. I wanted females all day.

When Mary found out I arrived home she was not happy. She screamed at me through myspace and told me she never wanted anything to do with me again.

I respected it and walked away. That was six years ago.

Recently I checked my friend requests and her name came up. I am completely stunned.

What most people don’t know is that I grew feelings for Mary. Lesbian feelings for Mary when we were best friends. When she beat my ass I didn’t even attempt to swing back.

Mary and I so far had shared two sentences. I’m nervous. I mentioned to Scotty last night that Mary added me to Facebook. And he asked me “well what the fuck does that bitch want after six years” I sat there wondering if it was just some scam she was pulling or if she really did grow up and come around. I know she still thinks about me. I’m just still so confused. I’m afraid I’m going to get attached to her again. I know how Mary and I connect. It’s scary. It would change my whole world upside down. I know Scotty asked me that in a rude way because he knew she beat the fuck out of me. And he knew I was fucking crazy about that girl.

What to do. I haven’t told many people. But it’s weird. I sent her my number. I want her to text me.. At the same time I feel like I’m setting myself up for bullshit. Six years. Six fucking years. And now she comes around?

When I was best friends with Mary in high school amber was jealous of Mary because amber liked me so much. And I was stuck up marys ass because I was crushing really hard I just didn’t want myself to be gay.

I’ve always known Mary was around a few circles of friends I knew but we never ran into each other. I’d hear her name stating she was at a party. And I’m sure she’s heard mine. I’ve always wanted to keep some type of distance between her since I figured shed never get over our break up in friendship. Now she creates a Facebook and adds me. I’m stalking marys Facebook more than i am rikki.

My attention span is leaning so hard on Mary. I can’t stop thinking about her. I figured Mary would never see or talk to me again. And now.. I get these few sentences and I feel like half of my emotions are coming back. I know things will never be the same I know he’s the father of her kid but I have no idea if they’re together or not.

I’m confused. I’m shocked.

I have a feeling I’m going to use Scotty as leverage to appear like I’m not a single slut who lurks around females boyfriends.

I’m sure she’s heard rumors.

It’s just so weird I can’t get her off my mind.. And I can’t get scottys voice out of my head talking about her

I know Scotty has resentment towards amber my first girlfriend after I got out of that shitty minor prison. And amber hates Scotty simply because she felt she turned me gay and I started sleeping with Scotty right after the two years I spent with amber. Scotty just hates amber because she’s bitter about him.

I think I have a bigger heart for females than i do men. I’d lay my life out for a girl. It’s scary though. I want to see Mary. I want to catch up.

And I’m betting Scotty will not think that’s a good idea. Which probably isn’t. But.. I loved Mary. So much. More than a lot of people. I refused to tell her my feelings for her. But I knew I had something for her when i had a vivid dream.

Fuck I wonder how long this entry is. Sorry if I sound all over the place. My head is just spinning with thoughts.

Oh what to do. Or what to say?

-L