145. turned off.

i am so pissed. i went to bed at 5am this morning pissed as fuck. crying my eyes out. and woke up.. im just flat out pissed.. no tears. i can’t even cry. i was debating on even writing this entry. i didn’t want to because i am so pissed at myself. so pissed at myself.

i hadn’t heard from scotty since saturday afternoon. i texted him twice on sunday. and once on monday. just simple texts.. like hey. and i never got any response.. until.. yesterday as im getting off work.. he texts his usual ‘whats up?’ i told him that Cal (some bar guy him and i both know) was begging to pay me money for action..

the topic seemed good at the time.. but it lead to him calling me. and him asking me to pick him up at 3am. or he would have a 4 hour delay waiting on another store and wouldnt get home til 7am. so i said yes. i went to the bar with richard and drank with him just a few then i was on my way to scotty. only an hour away. when i got there i was running out of gas. of course he had no money. corey was with him so i was picking him up too. scotty kissed me once and said thankyou. corey thanked me like 5 times in a row. and we were on our way back. it was raining.. alll damn night.

we almost died.. i hit a huge puddle doing.. idk 70 or 80.. almost lost control.. and corey in the backseat started shittin bricks scared. it was all fun until i dropped corey off. i asked scotty if he wanted me to take him home.. and he kinda shoved it off without answering.. and he asked me why i always wanted to mollest him. and i said because i just got off the rag and i wanted to get laid in some form.

when i got to the end of coreys street.. right was my house.. and left was his house.. he said left. i was so fucking pissed. i bet he could feel it. after i just drove 2 hours there and back to save HIM some sleep?! then on the way to his house he said something about me forwarding texts to rikki. which i have never done. i was so pissed explaining how she is blocked out of my life that i missed his street. and he told me to calm down. i said no thats so fucked up. and everything was just turned off. his hand was on my leg trying to squeeze me or touch me to make me feel better.

i was fucking pissed. to the extreme extent. i think i did pretty DAMN good for him that night.. all weekend not calling him and friday night i didnt good too. and this is how im treated? take you home so YOU can get more sleep? mother fucker doesnt think i have a job either? i spend my money on HIS time.. his gas.. his ride.. and he wont even come back to my house for idk.. make ME fucking feel better after i busted 9 hours of work.

so pissed. when i dropped him off he had me pull up. he put my car in park and shut my keys off while kissing me and touching me.. not like the "linda i want you to suck my dick" kiss.. but the "im gonna get you off for doing all this for me" kiss. i wasn’t touching him but his hands were all over me.

i broke off from his lips and told him to go inside. i was too fucking pissed.

and he did. i cried my eyes out the whole way home. got in bed at 5 am knowing i have to work in 12 hours and do a shit load earlier in the day.

as i was driving home last night i had ALL of these things to say to scotty in my head. but theres not even a point writing a letter.. theres really nothing i can do or say. i am so sick of this disaster. im so fucking mad.

where the fuck is this guys HEART at? cause i cant find it.. and i probably never will. shit is fucked. i HATE him in my life. whats the fucking point?!

-L