136. addict

for the last few days ive been SO busy. with everything.

i did however get kissed by mike one night we went out to the village. friday night.

scotty called me that night. while i was at the bar with mike. i went outside to talk to him. and for some reason i was almost relieved scotty was talking to me on the phone the way he was. it was the first time he called since we "closed" our deal at the hotel room. i was confused why he was calling. he said he was bored at home.. with his daughter sleeping.. and just wondering what i was doing.

i talked to scotty for ten minutes and returned to mike. mike knew he called me. i wasn’t happy but i wasn’t upset that he called. i was just.. blah. what twisted in my head is that scotty was still calling off private..

throughout the night "are you gonna kiss me or not" whack country song was playing.. he sang the words outloud looking at me. and i repeated the lyric at him. and he asked me if i could.

he left to the bathroom then came back and kissed me.

mike and i closed the bar.. i was driving him home. he nearly begged me to come inside and stay the night with him. i refused. him and i just arent the same anymore. this isn’t like old times. although i was tempted. i knew i was too vulnerable to go inside.. on the way to his house my phone rang of scottys house number.. but he hung up after two rings.

after i finally got mike to go inside.. i called his house back.. he answered right away. he asked if i was still wth him.. and i told him i had just dropped him off.

our phone conversation was very slow. didn’t know what to say.. was thinking too hard. but it somehow got to scotty saying he couldn’t sleep and he was out of cigarettes. i drove over there and gave him some.. he sat in my car with me.. and he let me go inside his house to pee.. since i drank a bit.

when we were sitting in the car smoking cigarettes.. i remember blurting out "…youre the one who doesn’t want to be with me anymore." ..he responded with "why do we have to talk about this every time at 4:30 in the morning?" i ignored it.

i got frustrated.. he asked me why i was being so salty.. he knows why. i mean wtf.

he touched me. it wasn’t enough. i wanted to fuck.. not just touched. irritating.

we split apart.. i left. and the next night i picked up rikki after work.. went to the ave. and he was there already. i left. i made it look like scotty and i werent talking. rikki wanted me to stay. but i refused. i left and went to my co workers. got fucked up. then passed out.

the next day he called me phone private so many times.. just kept asking.. whats up? and how i was doing.. i explained to him i was sad.

monday before work scotty called me again.. this time he asks me if i could wire him money because he left his money at home that was for gas. so i did. he promised to pay it back tuesday. i told him to cut the private shit out and i will do it. he hung up and called back with his number. yeah thats right.

i know i shouldve said no. but i am just so addicted to him.. idk.

so i drive up to western union.. put it in his name.. came home.. got ready for work and booked.

i had to close.. but i asked to see scotty so we could talk. he agreed.

he drops the van off at coreys and i took him to JR’s.. he had no money.. so i started a tab and bought him beers and told him to go bring me a shot.. he comes back with tequila.

i could tell scotty was extremely uncomfortable. it was almost like he couldn’t stand himself knowing i was paying the tab. i told him to bring me a shot.. go get me another drink.. it was.. turned tables.

when we first sat down i was poking the ice in my drink with the straw.. constantly stirring and sipping as im spitting out how stupid i feel for the way he treated me. and how even more dumb i feel. i confronted him of every flaw and he explained each one carefully.

he really didn’t have much answer. he clearly stated he doesnt know what he wants. all he knows is that he wants rikki out. i fuckin get it. i waited around long enough to know that. he said he talked to jessica here and there still. and i told him i wasn’t going to be that other girl anymore. he swore to me i was the only one he was fucking. and i somewhat give him the benefit of the doubt because rikki DID try to lie to me saying "oh he was with me fucking me all night on his birthday.."  when actually.. (you’ve all read the entry.. i was bangin his brains out ON his birthday.. slept next to him and all) plus rikki has also texted me saying "im riding scotty right now as im texting this" really bitch? you think im at work.. when hes actually sitting in my car next to me. rikki never turned sane.. in case anyone was wondering.

we tried to be discreet and then adam (a regular from the pub.. who knows scotty and i) showed up. shocker. i was happy to see him.. he sat with us.. it lifted some tension.. scotty was complimenting me as we sat there together.. we closed the bar..

it was nice.. i was smiling the whole time. i asked him to come stay the night with me.. and when i expected the "no linda im not going in your house" he didn’t say anything.. i got him in my bed.. and crawled in next to him.. of course he steals my side of the bed.. he wraps me up in the covers..

i have to cut this off. its 3am. my bed is screaming at me..

finish the second half of this event tomorrow. BLAH! im such a horrible diarist.

-L