135. closure

first off i want to apologize for last night and the night before that. ive been workin my fuckin ass off ridiculously. =[

saturday i worked from 4 to 9. during my shift scotty and i bitched back and forth blowing up eachothers phone arguing. he hung up on me a few times complaining about rikki telling him every bad word i said about him. i dont fuckin care. when i called back he answered. saying what.. i almost choked on myself i didn’t know what to say.. or how to say what i wanted. im delivering an order driving.. and each word i said had a breath in between them holding back this major outburst of tears…

"what linda.. what do you want to fuckin say?"
im fucking lashing out right now. im pissed.. i need to see you.
"yeah no fuckin way were seeing eachother because you’ll just run and tell rikki"
i dont really give a fuck about rikki. or her shit. or her trying to be friends shit.
"then what do you keep calling me for..?"
i just.. i..
"come on dude just tell me"
theres no closure between us scotty.. i just don’t feel right. i dont feel good. i need to see you. i just need to feel better and then ill leave you alone.. you can’t just end this thing over a fucking phone.
"closure."
yes.
"well i gotta go. i will call you tonight. and we will figure something out."
okay.

i worked.. i came home.. watched tv with my mom.. he called me again.

"linda im no better than you. if we see each other you know whats going to happen. we both know it."
i know. i just..
"i dont think its a good idea then"
i kinda want it to happen
"you want it to happen? why?"
because the last time.. sucked. for obvious reasons. i need to feel better.
"im at my uncles birthday party. ill try to see you tonight. so i will call you later."

he didn’t call. i ended up getting so wasted at crystals with my best friend and brittany while they worked. coreys dad paid for my tab. i drank at least $100 worth of the bar. my last shot at 2:15 am was a washington apple. and i threw it right back up all over myself. i went home changed.. drove to carlos’ party. then back to ashley because corey was smokin a blunt.

brittany and corey ended up fighting.. so nick and brittany smoked a few bowls with me.. then they left.. and corey and ashley smoked me up again.. i was fucked up. i went to bed at five.. scotty never called.

i woke up sunday and my phone was going fucking crazy. i had to eat something i was so hung over.. so i ate and scotty called me again.. i answered it.

"hey im sorry about last night.. i got way too fucked up at my uncles. im hungover as shit. whatd you do?"
went to crystals and hector paid for my tab.
"nice.. well im gonna go to the bar to eat something.. then ill call you back.. you should eat something too"

when he called me back he talked to me for about twenty minutes as he walked towards my house.. we were back and forth both debating if i should pick him up. i didnt speed. i didn’t even rush my way to him. i just almost as slow as possible drove to him.. he got in the car.

"where are you taking me?"
wherever you want.
"well you need gas so get to a gas station."

i drove around aimlessly on an empty tank skipping each gas station.. i was so nervous i froze in the driver seat

"lin come on.. if you run out of gas i really dont feel like pushing you to a gas station"

i finally stopped.. and i was smiling.. he asked me why i was smiling. i never answered him. but he just made me so happy without even doing anything.

he put the gas in my car.. and i started heading towards our hotel… he went inside for that too. i sat there for a while. he came out.. we went to room 120. when we first got there he set the a/c. i laid down. he laid down next to me.. we werent touching eachother. we talked about our nights the night before. what we drank and what we did. we laid there in complete silence. i didn’t know what to say.

i ended up laying on his stomach.. his hand was in my hair down my back.

i kissed him all over his face and neck and ears.. he started taking off all of my clothes while kissing me.. i asked him to drive to the store.. he fucked me for ten seconds. and went to the store to get condoms. and my Dr. Pepper.. and my cigarettes. my phone got a text from brittany asking if i was at the hotel. shocked i called her and turns out her and her boyfriend were staying at the same hotel. her boyfriend took her car to the store.. and he seen scotty driving my car.. so that was weird. i asked them not to tell anyone we were at the room together. she agreed.

i turned on the tv.. scotty was on top of me.. he backed off when he was hard and i put the condom on him. he asked how i wanted it.. so i bent over. he fucked me hard.. and fast. but he wasn’t rough. it did fucking hurt though.. he felt like a knife inside me. it did feel good.. and then when he went as fast as he could i lost my breath. it was unreal. i heard his voice i knew he was getting off. we laid down and i just shut my eyes on him. we fucked again.. the second time i was on my back and he was on top. his arm was over my neck holding it there and his other arm held one of my legs up. thats when i knew this was probably the last time we were going to fuck.

he stared at me. he finished as i pulled his arm harder on my throat. and he kept pushing down on me.. i held my breath and i watched his face..

we got under the covers. we watched tv for hours. i ordered food for us. i bought him a footlong sub. and i ate a six inch. after i was almost done with my sub i look over and he already smashed through his. i was like.. seriously? did you taste any of it? he laughed with me we talked about bullshit. i told him that no one ever calls me lin. so then he started calling me da and cracking up. we wrestled. we kissed again. he wanted to go to bed at 2. i let him sleep.. then i shut off the tv and tried falling asleep. i knew he was still awake. every time i rolled over he moved with me. he held my hand.. i told him i loved him so much. he told me he loves me too. he kissed me goodnight.. and he stayed the night with me. my mom blew up my phone at six am.. i had to be at work by noon. i answered then went back to bed.. slept longer. we slept in til 11. got dressed and then i took him home. we kissed like twenty times.. we never said goodbye. but we knew it was done.. for now at least.

i do feel better. i feel like theres no bad terms between me and anyone else. i needed to know he doesnt hate me or isn’t mad at me. and i needed the "last time" sex to be better than the one before.. (when i was on my rag and couldn’t fuck even when we tried)

i dont miss him as much anymore. even though its only been like three days. i feel better.

it was pretty hard writing this entry.. a few times i couldnt put words down to how i felt. i really dont know. we didnt talk about any of the cheating or lying.. or shit talking. we were us for the last time. i cried through some of this entry as well. i know im a mess. but damn.

i have more to write but i have over 60 rec

ordings that need to be watched. and today is my only day off. =[ until next time friends.

-L