133. the drunk state of mind

i knew this would happen.

im desperately covering up my sorrows with alcohol. i feel no pain. none.

last night i worked til 9. went home showered.. and met rikki at the avenue… the bar.

her and her friends were there.. i kinda just sat by myself. she did come and talk to me.. we did hash out more scotty drama. that made us both sick to our stomachs.. kelly and kim showed up.. (i dont remember telling you guys but her and i are on very very VERY bad terms) and my other enemy melissa showed up.

i seriously felt planted smack dab in the middle of my ongoing wars with three females who HATE me.. besides kelly i know she doesnt hate me and were working on our friendship. but rikki hates me.. and melissa despises me. melissa got over herself.. we just didn’t talk. rikki and i hate eachother for a damn good reason.. and thats scotty.. yet we still talk.. and actually hang out.

i drank three shots.. and eight beers… more like ten counting the drafts.

i felt relieved that kelly got there.. i felt so stupid sitting by myself.. and i could tell that rikkis friends were waiting for rikki and i to snap and start fighting.. but we didnt.

kelly and i seen carlos drive by… so we blew his phone up and he said party at his house.. so kelly kim adam and i all got in my car and we went to another bar first.. i hugged rikki goodbye.. and we peaced.. thank god. kelly knew i was feeling completely out of it. we went to us12 and drank more.. then i started to black out..

we ended up leaving the bar and going to carlos’ party. which i started to freak out a little.. because my car was blocked in.. i just have this habit of fighting over my car.. i want it free so i can escape at any time.

apparently we all got in my car again.. and went back to kellys.. i planted myself face first in her bed. they stayed up til 8am. i mustve passed out around 4am..

when i woke up at noon i had missed calls from rikki. i BLEW up scottys house phone and i remember talking to his dad. hence the fact.. i did not talk to scotty. i asked if he was home.. and his dad said no. and we hung up. i called his cellphone which has a new number i mustve called it 50 times. i called his house private about 6 times until his dad finally answered.

i woke up at noon and at 11am i had a missed call from private. i knew it was him. i wonder why he even bothered to call me back. i wonder what i wouldve said to him..

if he called me right now while i am sober i would just tell him that im blacking out for a reason because i dont want to remember him. but it all turns out when im blacked out drunk i blow up his phone trying to talk to him.

i feel so drained.. so.. worthless.

im losin it.

-L