132. the apology

after crying hysterically after scottys blowing up phone calls i couldnt sit in my empty house alone. i was getting nautious and unable to breathe. my eyes still sting from the bullshit tears i cried over the simple longest relationship.. longest butterflies of love… longest pain of pure shit.

i went to my aunts and got high out of my mind. smoked so much weed to the head i couldnt breathe from coughing so much. i was so fucking stoned off them medicals. it felt amazing. i get back home relaxing in the air conditioning.

my mom gets home with taco bell we all eat. my dad is a dick. sometimes i want to kick him. so irritating. anyway

my mom and i sit down to watch so you think you can dance.. 20 minutes into the show.. my phone rings a call block.. i set it to pick up and hang up for whoever calls me private. my phone rings another call block.. so i turned off the block and it rang.. it was scotty and i knew it was.

i paused the show and went upstairs to talk to him.. i sat in my sunroom in the scorching heat.

he says.. "did i call you at a bad time?"
no just at home.
"i see.. well i called you to tell you a few things"
uh huh.
"i wanted to apologize for me yelling at you the way i did.. you didn’t deserve any of it."
i didn’t deserve what you did. nor do i want the apology. you lied to me
"i didn’t lie to you. jessica and i haven’t fucked."
i read the text messages scotty. i know you were sleeping next to her. i know you haven’t fucked. her and i got to know eachother really well
"and thats why im calling you on private because i don’t trust you.. trying to set me up"
you aren’t being set up. you’re already caught. you owe me rikki and jessica a huge explanation. we tried to make that happen. but you run away as usual.
"none of you deserved it. rikki just fucked everything up for me like always."
rikki did the right thing. she found the truth. that you hid. i fuckin hate that bitches guts scotty i really do. but without her.. you’d still be leading me on.. still dating the clueless jessica. and still mixin mine and rikkis juices like its nothing.
"im sorry that i lead you on lin."
why the fuck didnt you just fucking tell me you dont want to be with me anymore
"i dont want to be with you anymore"
fuck you. i figured that out after rikki calling me. all you had to do was tell me. and i wouldve gladly asked for a legitimate reason and bounce the fuck out.. so easily. if you lost feelings for me.. then you lost them. dont fucking tell me this love shit if its not real. you lied.
"you get too drunk sometimes and black out.. i shouldve left you a long time ago when id catch you with other guys"
you told me you didn’t care who i fucked as long as i told you the truth.. and thats exactly what i did
"you know i still found out from other people.. that were my friends.. all the guys tell me everything you do. and id have to ask you and drag it out of you for you to admit it.. whens the last time besides me? what.. a month ago? two months?"
does that even matter when? what matters is YOU KNEW i love you and only you.. you KNEW i wanted to be with you.. and you act like oh jessica and i are just friends when youre sleeping next to her every night? and you knew i stopped fucking other guys. you knew it. you knew i wanted you and only you. you knew i was sorry for blacking out while i was on vacation.. so you just drag me along.. thanks.
"im sorry i shouldve told you sooner. we obviously don’t work. ive fucked with your head for way too long. and im sorry. im sorry i yelled at you.. and i guess this is good bye.. i dont want you cryin over me.. i dont want to bring you to tears.. so ill just hang up"
twist the knife in my back even more. you broke me. do you think its so easy for me to move on from this? do you think ill be over it by tomorrow. you’re killing my love life like it doesnt exist.. go ahead hang up. i fucking get it. you dont care
"you know i fucking care about you linda. im sorry. but were done. were over. we can’t see eachother.. and when we broke up before we always came back to eachother.. you always got me hooked back on to you."
thanks. really. tell your friends. how stupid you made me look. how many times i vomited from your crucial disgusting lies.. that i was too oblivious to fall for.. that i believed every word. how you lead me on to no where.. but this lonely space of agony. hang up.
"i hope everything goes good for you. i really do.. im just gonna say good bye and hang up.. not that i dont care.. because i do care about you."
she obviously has something i dont. i did my part in warning her. but you dont deserve her. you dont deserve anyone but yourself.
"you know im not going with anyone.. i did really like jessica.. and im sorry that it happened like this. im not blaming you. i sat around and thought about the whole thing for hours. its hurting me to see this happen. all im really good at is getting mad and fighting with people. youre a female im not threatening you or any other female. im not good with emotions.. i dont have many.. i need to just stop and think.. im sorry."
im sorry i cried over someone who just doesnt care. im sorry i cried for the last two days straight after this shit hits the fucking fan out of no where. im sorry for crying right now. im sorry for putting myself through so much SHIT because I ME MYSELF AND I FELL FLAT ON MY FUCKING FACE IN LOVE WITH YOU. so please scotty DONT be fucking sorry. you burned me. you set our bridges on fire. you’ve killed my hopes and dreams of finally being with you and being happy. you murdered my soul. and you murdered however long it takes me to get over you. i blame myself for becoming addicted to you when i knew you were bad for me. but this? in no way have i EVER even thought about you doing this to me. i thought MIKE was the worst thing that could happen. you took his dumping and multiplied it. im honestly so surprised im not attempting suicide thats how hard i fell. but good job cleaning up the mess. because youre right you arent worth my tears. but im still fucking crying arent i.
"im hanging up. im sorry. i dont want you to cry over me. i dont want to bring you any tears"

he hung up.. i screamed.. i couldnt stop crying.

i really dont want to let him go. im still holding on to him. i hate doing that. but that phone call was bullshit. i keep telling myself that he will miss me and want me back. a part of me thinks he will not be able to hold his ground and he will call me.. and miss me. or whatever.

i do KNOW that we are over.. completely. id be an idiot for running back and just slapping him on the wrist like no big thing. im not going back. im not.

but.. to be completely honest i do not think im capable to completely avoid him. he was right when he said we always got back together. when we see eachother were inseparable. and we always fix it all. this isn’t fixable. things will just never be the same..

but i almost KNOW can already tell that him and

i are not through. i know we will end up back to our mess. i am only saying this because i know the doors are still open. we didn’t close off. we had no closure. that goodbye im hanging up shit is a joke.

i know he will call me i just dont know when. i dont know how i will react. i really dont know what i will do. i am hoping that when he calls i will be too far gone caught up in my own money or caught up liking someone else to much.

but he has become the main ex of mine now. amber was obsessive. amber is the female version of scotty. same thing. almost same thing. and i would honestly throw scotty under a bus to be with amber again. just because there was TOO much love there. but shes happily taken with her committed girlfriend. i still would have her.. just because of what i laid down for her. no other girl could beat amber.. so i went to scotty.. shit i figured id come back gay as hell. but him. NOW he has a strong power over me. he probably thinks it doesnt exist anymore the way i have been talking to him. i have never been so angry with him before this. but i still melt. my heart still pounds outside of my chest when i hear his voice. he has so much control over me. im so weak and ive been telling everyone how much we are over how i would never dare to go back.

but i know myself. if he asked id still go see him. right now i would. if he asked i would still probably fuck him.. kiss him.. and we would crank another year of bullshit out of us.

thats what im fearing. i am fearing that we wont talk for an x amount of time. and i can see myself with a boyfriend.. who im committed to.. someone who will treat me way better than scotty and have time for me.. i still dont trust myself. i still think i would run to scotty if he called. as i am kicking my own ass right now for writing this.. i hate that about me. i wish i hated him. i wish i cannot stand to hear him. i wish i had all of these evil feelings for him. but i dont. i still WANT him. and i hate that. i hate it.

it feels like a train just hit me. i am so depressed yet not many tears are coming out compared to complete devestation. i am shocked i am upset.

but my brain and mind is telling me he will come back. and i know myself. i know im going to forgive him. and fall right back in.. and probably cause a huge disaster of broken hearts with him again.

i really hope im wrong. but right now.. as im writing this. i just got this huge feeling.

i dont know what to do with myself.

i need to try to sleep..goodnight.

-L

ps. this isnt a very good entry. im offended of my own words. i feel so useless.. so worthless. just so empty.