121. devestation.

i knew i shouldnt have done it. but i did. i told myself not to.. but i did.

i created a fake profile. a male one.. put up a picture.. added rikki. she took the bait.

i blew through all of her status’. so far i didn’t see anything wrong going through it. i seen his name come up a few times.. no big deal. a few updates were of her anger towards him.. i got that..

then i stared at a few that said “drinking with my love.” or “im going to miss babe since hes going to be gone for work”

and there was a few RECENTLY that said “i dont know how im going to get used to this =[” or.. “they say they need time away from you and then they complain and bitch to you days later” and this one “TJM” which makes me think shes talking about a guy. but im sure im wrong since the rest of the babe shit was cleary about scotty.. beginning of may. i mean i know shes psycho over him. but i just feel flat out dumb.

then as im blowing through “see older posts” reading every damn word i could possibly find.. she updated.. rikki has changed her relationship status from single to in a relationship.

okay.. the status before that states shes in ohio. scottys sister commented and all. and scotty and i talked through text about 3 or 4 hours ago saying that he was with his kids still and i will see him soon enough.

then she takes my bait and i blow through all of her facebook. i go through her pictures..

i just feel so stupid. i almost feel played. worse.. i feel like i have no place in his life.

i feel like a homewrecker. his family would never want to meet me.. rikki will never go away.. ill probably never be where i want to be with him.

scotty probably doesnt want me around either. i think im falling apart. i cant even find words right now. i just feel so.. ugly.. and unworthy.

-L