Realizing stuff

Last night I got tired of my hair, which was coloured and growing out, and longer than I like it to be, but A had wanted to see what I looked like with longer hair. He’s seen it, and it was time to reclaim my head. So I started hacking at it with scissors, immediately taking myself to the point of no return. When you’ve taken a huge chunk of hair down by six inches or so in several places around your scalp, there’s no turning back. My goal was to cut off everything that had dye on it and leave myself with the inch or so of natural silver. I was mostly successful, and when my daughter gets back from the city, I’ll get her to tackle it with the clippers to tidy up the back where I can’t see what I’ve done. *laughter*

Now, here’s where part of the realization set in. It struck me suddenly that with my hair dyed and chin- or shoulder-length, I look like my mother. My mother pretty much lived her life afraid of — whatever. Men, mostly, but probably other things as well. I blame her lifelong fear for her breast cancer. I strongly believe that you cannot spend your life in spiritual and emotional distress without it taking its toll on your body. It dawned on me that looking like my mother was having a spiritual effect on me and I was actually becoming her and living in her fear (not to mention A’s fears). I love my late mum; she had many good qualities, but I don’t want to BE her. I want to BE ME! I LIKE me. I’m a reasonably decent human being, who makes my share of mistakes, but seldom acts out of malice. (you’d have to be seriously hateful for me to be mean on purpose)

And here’s the result: since I took most of my hair off, I FEEL like me again. I don’t see my mama in the mirror, and I don’t feel her fears any more. I feel like I can do the things I need to do for me, and if A wants in on the ride, he’s welcome to come along, but I’m not waiting for him to unfuck himself so I can live my life. I’m going ahead full steam with what *I* want and need for myself and my family (mostly myself now that they’re pretty much grown, but with room for that woman-child who is only 18, no matter how grown she may be intermittently).

On the job front, I did speak to the clinic manager. They have a couple of options regarding how therapists are reimbursed for their work, and he was quick to let me know that there is some wiggle room in their policies on that. He seemed keen to meet me as soon as his holiday is over (he’s off next week), and we’ll see if we can come up with something that suits. The position is a maternity leave fill in for a year, which is the first one I chose to look at out of three positions in the city. I thought that filling in for a year gives me a chance to decide if the company and I are a good match, and since they own clinics all over the country (six in Halifax alone), then I would have the opportunity to transfer after the year. It looks like it might be promising, but I don’t want to get my hopes up too high. However, if they are willing to pay a salary in an amount I can live on instead of a percentage, plus benefits, then I think I may very well take it. I’ve been looking at apartments in the city as well, and I’ve found quite a few that aren’t that much more than what I’m paying here, but which include heat and hot water in the rent.

Life may indeed take another unexpected leap. We shall see. I’ll keep you all posted.

As for A, he’s been down all week with a toothache which led to a root canal, infection, trip to the emergency room for a prescription for antibiotics and painkillers, but the doctor was an ass and didn’t give him any samples although it was late enough that all the drug stores were closed. Some doctors are dickwads. In any case, he’s been grumpy and miserable and he hates company when he’s sick, so I’ve called him every day to check up on him but am happily staying away. And I’m not unaware of the fact that it’s his mouth that’s affected when we’ve hit a spot where we need to talk quite seriously about where we’re going, or where I’m going with or without him. The human mind/body/spirit is endlessly fascinating.

It’s all good. Prayers and blessings gratefully received that all works out well, and that I find the right path.