How I Met My Husband and we became a family

In my previous post, I shared my story concerning my childhood friend and first love. Transferring the memories from thought to page, was therapeutic, as it stirred memories and emotions that had been dormant for years. It renewed a sense of gratitude for what was and what is my life.

In this post, I wanted to share the tale of how I met my husband, and we became a family. I apologize for the length of the post in advance.

At the age of twenty-four, I had completed my four years of university with a BA in psychology and a two-year MA in developmental behaviors.  I had moved back home with my father, as I wasn’t exactly sure what direction I wanted to take my career.

After Luke’s death, my grades had noticeably inclined and two of my professors had suggested that speaking with a professional may help me process my thoughts and feelings and refocus on my education. I met with a grief counselor once a week throughout my junior year and once a month senior year, I don’t know if I would have graduated without her guidance and support, I had a great deal of respect for her and her work. I thought I too would like to contribute to society and help mankind in a similar fashion.

Back at home in my small rural hometown, I quickly realized how sheltered my up bringing had been, my way of thinking was so naïve, and this was not what I wanted for my life and future.

During that summer I ran into a mutual friend of my twin brother David and I, Marcus. He was in town visiting his mother and siblings before returning to his home in Delaware where he had attended college and relocated after graduating. We met up one evening at a local bar and Marcus shared how attending college on the east coast has changed his perception of life, people were much more diverse, and life moved at a much faster pace compared to our mid-west upbringing. It all sounded so alluring and towards the end of the night, when Marcus invited me to come visit him in Delaware, I jumped at the opportunity.

Two weeks after Marcus had return home to Delaware himself, I made the trek from Ohio to the east coast thinking this would be an excellent vacation and may help me determine what direction I wish to take my life.

Marcus allowed me to stay in his spare bedroom, it was small, but cozy. During the day while Marcus worked, I would entertain myself by visiting local points of interest, beaches, parks, and historical locations. In the evening Marcus took me out to bars and clubs and introduced me to his friends. I have never been a drinker, as I despise the taste of alcohol, but I enjoyed new experiences, meeting new people, and the dancing was fun too.

During an evening out to dinner with Marcus and a few of his friends, the conversation had turn to me and my lack of a current job or direction in life. Niecy, a friend of Marcus’s that he had gone on a few dates with, before they both determined they were much better off as friends, informed me that her sister worked for the public health department and her office was current hiring therapist, and she would be happy to put in a good word for me. I told Niecy that her offer was kind and appreciated. I had no intentions of moving to Delaware and didn’t give her offer any real consideration.

Three days later, on Wednesday, I received a phone call to my cell. It was Niecy’s sister Lori, she introduced herself and asked if I was available the next day to meet up for coffee, chat and discuss if I may be a good fit for her office and the available position. I was dumbfounded, I did not think for a nanosecond that anything would come from Niecy’s offer but agreed to meet with Lori in my moment of awestruck. That evening Marcus took me to the local shopping mall, and I purchased a woven shirt, slacks, dress shoes and a tie, as I had not packed anything appropriate for a potential job interview.

The coffee date/ interview went beyond well. Lori was personable, with kind eyes and a warm smile, she immediately put me at ease, and we talked for over two hours about my education, my philosophy on life and my approach to therapy and connecting with people.  At the end of our conversation, she told me that she did not usually hire anyone on the spot, but she felt it would be a big mistake to allow me to leave without making an offer. Lori instructed me to take the weekend to decide if the position is something I would be interested in and, if Monday came and I was onboard, she would invite me back to make a formal offer.

Over the weekend, my mind went back and forth considering the possibilities. I spoke with my brother David, my father and many other family members and friends concerning the job offer. Everyone told me I was insane to consider relocating over five hundred miles away, where I had basically no support system. Everyone accept my father that is, he told me I was young, not married, no children, and if I felt life was leading me in this direction, I should do it and that is what I did, I accepted Lori’s offer. Marcus allowed me to stay in his spare bedroom for as long as needed and with David’s help and two vehicles I moved my belongings from Ohio to my new home in Delaware.

I lived with Marcus for a little over three months, he was a gracious host, and we got along perfectly, but I did not want to overstay my welcome. I found a small one-bedroom apartment of my own not far from work.

I began my career with Lori working for the Public Family Services. Lori was a social worker in a managerial position and my direct supervisor. She was not a therapist herself, but I considered her a mentor, as she taught me a great deal concerning the job, the public health system and life in general. I will be forever grateful to Lori, she seen something in me and took a chance and because of her, my life would change in ways I never imagined.

Two years into working with Lori, she called me into her office and asked me to sit. Lori informed me that a former colleague of hers was opening a mental health practice of her own and recruiting a wide variety of specialist. One such position was a grief therapist and Lori thought I would be prefect for the role and asked if I would like for her to recommend me for the position. I jumped at the opportunity and four months later I relocated from Delaware to Maryland to start a new career outside of the public health system, much better pay and in a role I had dreamed of.

On my first day, I entered the newly built professional building and took the elevator up to the third floor. As I stepped out of the elevator, I was immediately greeted by this beautiful young professional, I felt an aura of positivity surrounding her as she introduced herself. Her eyes were big and bright, she smiled from ear to ear and her body language while professional, drew you to her. We appeared to be similar in age, she introduced herself as Shay, the office manager for this new endeavor. We immediately became best friends from that moment. Shay was the niece of the owner of this new practice and despite being family, she took her job very seriously, she was always professional and set a high standard for everyone who worked for her aunt. Outside of work, we were two twenty-six-year-olds, living life to the fullest. We would go dancing at clubs, sing karaoke in bars, throw and go to crazy house parties, and we were always there for each other. Shay had a love for ice skating, watching the winter Olympics with her was fascinating, as she would detail the ice skaters’ routines move by move before the announcers had the chance to do the same. She was thin as a stick, but loved to eat, her taste was as diverse as her wardrobe. She was the first to introduce me to sushi (this Midwestern boy does not enjoy sea food.)  Indian cuisine, and authentic Greek dishes at our local diner were a few of her favorites.

Shay had grown up in upstate New York but relocated to Maryland with her aunt after graduating college. Her father was a semi-pro hockey player who resided in Canda. Shay did not have a good relationship with her mother or younger sister and was much closer to her aunt. Growing up, she would spend every summer with her aunt and cousins.

Since Luke’s death, I had not dated or even entertained the idea. Whenever someone, male or female would show an interest or make their feelings known, I would politely decline. During this time, I had come to the realization I was asexual and was more than content with my way of life. Shay would go on many dates, but quickly loss interest, as none were able to meet both her intellectual standards and keep up with her crazy night life.

A little over a year into our friendship, Shay tells me at work one afternoon that she has dinner plans with Conner. Conner was a guy that Shay had known since they were teens, they had met while she was visiting her aunt one summer and dated off and on over the years, but it never lasted due to her having to return to her mother in New York at the end of each summer. I could tell by the way she lite up when talking about him, that her feelings were strong, and he must be special.

Shay was beautiful with long brown hair that fell halfway down her back, big brown eyes that shined with emotion and curves that drew guys attention wherever we went, but despite all this, Shay put little import in guys physical looks herself. She once confided in me, that it was a guy’s brain that turned her on, the smarter the guy was, the more infatuated she became.

Conner was both handsome and very intelligent, but never behaved in a conceited manner. He was down to earth and just as charming as Shay was. They began exclusively dating almost immediately following their dinner date and I thought of them as the perfect couple.

Shay introduced me to Conner soon after they stared dating, and he was very kind to me. There was no awkward dynamics between us, I the male best friend and he, her love interest. Our friend groups quickly became intertwined, and we would often go out together and even when Shay and Conner choose to stay in, they would regularly invite me over as well.

The two had not been dating a whole year, before he proposed to her, which came as no surprise, as it was clear as day the two were crazy about each other and belonged together.  Connor had asked me to take Shay out after work while he prepared her apartment for the proposal. I returned Shay to her apartment shortly after six o’clock and I waited out in front of her apartment building, about ten minutes later, I could hear her excited screams from the second-story window. My cell phone rang, and it was Shay laughing, screaming, and crying all in one breath, I was the first person she had choose to call and share the good news, I drove away feeling honored.

I helped both Shay and Connor individually with their wedding preparations, it was during this time that I became acquainted with Shay’s mother. She was a difficult woman to please and consistently tried to undermined Shay’s preferences concerning the smallest details. I was always polite but would back Shay up and encourage her to stand her ground.

The nine-month engagement flew by, and they tied the knot with a beautiful ceremony surrounded by family and friends, I was one of Connor’s best men in the wedding party and the ceremony and reception was prefect.

It was only five months after their wedding that Shay stepped into my office at work one day and closed the door, she proceeds to tell me that she had taken three pregnancy test and all three had come back positive. I asked her how she was feeling emotionally but could tell from her facial expressions that she was excited. She shared with me that Connor and she had discussed having kids while dating and Connor said he always knew he wanted to be a dad, but Shay had told him she wanted to focus on her career first. Now in that moment, she felt like there was no choice to be made, she wanted this child. A week later, I took Shay to a doctor’s appointment to confirm she was pregnant. That evening Shay made Connor dinner and shared the good news, Connor was ecstatic. Shay called me that night and told me Connor was bouncing off the falls with excitement, hugging and kissing her and telling her what a wonderful mother she was going to be. She had to escape to the bathroom just to call me.

Connor was the prefect doting husband during her pregnancy, he regularly called during her lunch breaks at work to check on her, pick up whatever weird craving she was experiencing, no matter the hour and read every parenting article she sent him. He attended every Lamaze class with her and gave her the space she needed whenever her hormones demanded it, he usually called me to hang out.

Early in Shay’s pregnancy, Connor had decided he wanted to buy a house. Connor wanted new construction, so they could move in quickly and be settled when the baby arrived. Shay was excited, but very picky. They must have looked at over thirty houses and often invited me along. Shay eventually found her prefect starter home, a three-story townhouse with a fully finished basement in a highly desired area, about an hour commute from Connors work. With the help of their parents and his well-paying tech job as a private contactor at the pentagon in D.C, they were able to put in a bid over asking and secure their first home.

Shay’s pregnancy went smoothly, her “morning” sickness always accrued in the evening, which I wasn’t aware was a thing, so she usually ate a small breakfast, big lunch, no dinner, as she had no appetite and gave in to the late-night cravings.

On a Tuesday morning as I ready for work, at around 6:45 Connor called to inform me that he was taking Shay to the hospital as she was having contractions. I hung up and immediately called into work to have my appointments for the day rescheduled, so I could be at the hospital when the baby was born.

When I arrived at the hospital, Shay had been taken back into a room to prepare for the birth as she was three days past her due date. The doctor had seen Shay, her vitals and the babies appeared to be normal and while shay had started to dilate, the doctor felt there was no rush. Eventually a nurse allowed Connor and I back into Shay’s room, she was in some discomfort, but otherwise in good spirits, The three of us chatted, made jokes, talked possibilities, anything to keep Shay’s mind off the pain. Five hours had pass and Shay still wasn’t ready to give birth. I had stepped out into the waiting room, so her aunt and cousins could check in on her. During this time, her mother made the five-hour drive from upstate New York, she arrived in an anxious panic, demanding the nurse immediately allow her back. Shortly after, Shay’s aunt, her mother’s sister exited into the maternity waiting areas along with Connor, they both had annoyed expressions on their faces. Connor said he wanted to get some fresh air before the baby arrived.

Another five hours had pass, Connor was back with Shay when a nurse stepped out to inform Shay and Connor’s family and I that they had given her labor inducing medication, and her body was reacting as expected. The doctor was preparing to deliver the baby.

At 5:48pm baby Cody entered the world, Shay had done an amazing job and other than some heavy bleeding during the birth, Shay and Cody both appeared healthy. Shay was allowed to hold him for a short time before the nurses took him away to complete their apgar assessment. Connor was comforting Shay in post recovery when her vitals suddenly dropped, the nurses and doctor filed into the room as the machines tracking her vitals began to scream.

Despite the medical staff’s best efforts, Shay passed away from postpartum hemorrhaging at 6:56pm. To say we were all devastated would be an understatement. Shay had been healthy throughout her whole pregnancy, there had been no complications during the birth, this did not seem possible. I exited the hospital that evening with a hollowness in my chest and tears in my eyes.

When I arrived home, I tried to clear my thoughts and assess my emotions, despite whatever I may be feeling, I knew I would have to be there for Connor and baby Cody in whatever capacity he may need. I had been in touch with Shay’s aunt, my boss the following day and offered some recommendations regarding funeral arrangements.

It was two days after Shay had passed that Connor called me and asked if he could come over. I insisted that I come to him, but he said his mother and sister were at his place with baby Cody and he needed to get away for a bit.

When Connor arrived, it was apparent he had not slept and been crying. The moment our eyes met, I could see tears forming at the edges, but he held them back. I sat him down on the sofa and just sat there next to him, waiting for him to act. We sat in silence for several minutes and eventfully he broke down crying, I grabbed him and held him tight as I cried along with him. No words, just our tears and we stayed that way for a long time.

After Connor regained his composer, he began asking me all kinds of questions, “What am I going to do? how am I going to survive without Shay? how am I going to take care of a baby? I comforted Connor as best I could, I assured him that he could survive this tragic lost, that his family would be there to help and that he could rely on me to be there every step of the way, that he would never be alone, not in his grief, not when it came to caring for Cody.

I drove him home that evening and checked in on baby Cody.

At Shay’s funeral, I gave the eulogy. I was an emotional wreck but wanted to share my love for this amazing woman for her and Connors sake. The chapel was filled, some in attendance had to stand, as there was no more seating available. I spoke about how Shay had touched so many people, she made life an adventure for everyone who knew her and loved to bring people together.

In the months after Shay’s death, Connor had a difficult time making sense of his new normal. I would check in on him and the baby regularly and he had become almost mechanical in his behavior. He would stay long hours at work, his mother and sister would often care for Cody until he arrived home late in the evening. He would eat whatever food they had prepare and go to bed and get up early the next morning and repeat. He had loss weight, he was much too thin, he no longer laughed, he no longer took an interest in any of his hobbies.

When Cody was seven months old, Connor called me late one night, well after midnight. He told me that his heart was racing, and he felt lightheaded, like he was losing control. I told him that it sounded like an anxiety attack and to try to focus on his breathing and slow it down. I told him I was on my way over as I quickly dressed.

When I arrived at Connor’s house, I ran to check on Cody, he was not in his nursery, so I went to Connor’s bedroom, he was alone. His breathing had slowed significantly since we spoke on the phone. Connor informed me that his sister had Cody at her place for the night, as he needed time to think. I asked Connor if he knew what brought on this panic attack and he shouted, “Everything!” I slowly sat on the edge of his bed as he began to tear up. Connor shared that Shay’s mother was in town and stopped by earlier that afternoon. Connor and Shay’s mother had usually gotten along, though he would at times put her in her place when she upset Shay. He said that she was being overly nice up until she said that she wanted to have a difficult conversation with him and needed him to take her seriously. She started by saying that Connor was a good person, but in his grief, she felt he was neglecting Cody and that his family did not have the resources to provide Cody with the proper care that came with raising her grandchild. I reassured Connor that none of that was true, but he continued. Shay’s mother felt it would be best, if Connor signed over his parenteral rights to her, as she could provide Cody with everything he could ever want.

Connors family was by no means poor, but their wealth paled in comparison to that of the generational wealth that Shay’s mother had been born into.  She believed her money gave her all the resources needed to raise a child, even though Shay had never considered her a good mother.

I was in awe; I could not believe what I was hearing. I remembered back to how excited Connor was when Shay told him he was going to be a father, how attentive he was during her pregnancy. I knew that he wanted to raise his child, and I wanted him to come to this conclusion on his own. Connor said that he was angry at her, but angrier at himself for feeling she may be right, maybe Cody would be better off with her, he felt lost without Shay.

I asked him, “What do you really want?’, without thinking, he shouted, “I want to raise my son!” and then he repeated it a second time with a much softer tone.  I told him he had his answer and begged him to see a grief counselor. A subject that I had brought up on more than one occasion, but never pushed. Connor would always deflect and state he didn’t need one, as he had me. I told him that as a friend, I would always be there for him and Cody, but it would not be ethical for me to be his therapist too. I provided Connor with references, all colleagues of mine, that I knew would guide him through his grief.

Three months had pasted, and I had already noticed a significant improvement in Connor’s demeanor. He was smiling again, back to telling his corny jokes, and spending less time at work and more time caring for Cody, instead of relying on his mother and sister as often. Connor invited me over for diner one evening with him and Cody. When I arrived, he was playing with Cody on the floor in the living room. I offered to cook as he obviously had his hands full. Connor informed me that he had chicken defrosting in the sink. I made us a simple meal with baked chicken, fresh green beans and chopped carrots, and fried apples covered with brown sugar and cinnamon.

After dinner, Connor put Cody to bed and asked if I wanted to stay and watch the Monday night football game with him. I have absolutely no interest in football, growing up I had considered it torture sitting through football games. My father, David and Luke staring at the television screen and hollering in excitement whenever their teams scored or screaming in aggravation when the opposing team scored, it was just a lot of screaming. I accepted Connors offer as I knew he just wanted some company.

As we sat on the couch, I noticed Connor would occasionally look over in my direction, his expression looked uncertain, like he had something to say, but the words wouldn’t come, and he would go back to watching the game. Around the third quarter a commercial came on and I told Connor it was getting late, and I was going to head home. As I began to stand, Connor asked me to wait, his hand reached out and grabbed my wrist and he gently pulled me back down on the sofa much closer to him. I noted that his palm was sweaty when he reached for me, he had an unsure look about him, he would look me in the eyes and then quickly look away. I asked Connor if he was feeling okay, as he looked pale. Connor let out a short laugh, and then began to ramble, which was unlike him.

Connor started by saying he wanted to thank me for all my help since Shay had passed, that he could not have made it through the past seven months without me. I assured him that no thanks were necessary, that is what friends were for. He interrupted me, “No, you have gone far above that of a friend.” He began to share with me, that during his therapy sessions, he would often talk of Shay, how lost he felt after her death, of his love for Cody and the fear of raising him on his own and he often talked about me. I told Connor I was happy I could be there for him in his time of need. Connor moved a little closer to me on the sofa, he placed his shaky palms on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. He released a deep breath, “During these sessions I have come to realize that I have feelings for you, deep feelings, I am in love with you”, He professed. I was quickly taken aback to the moment that Luke had announced his love for me, how I had been oblivious of his true feelings, my head began to spin, I was confused.

Connor sat there looking me in the eye, I began to rationalize my thoughts and his feelings out loud. “Connor, I believe in your grief, you have confused your dependence and appreciation for me, with feelings of affection.” I assured him that I love him as a friend, but could not in good conscience take our friendship further. Connor did not remove his hands from my shoulders, “No”, Connor confessed, “I had these feelings before Shay pasted away and she was aware.”. My jaw dropped, the oxygen escaped my lungs, I could not believe what I was hearing.

Connor shared, that during his adolescence, he thought he may be bi-sexual, but never had the nerve to act on his attraction to the same sex. Before he and Shay had married, the two of them were discussing past sexual experiences in a flirtatious manner and Shay revealed that she had experimented with the same sex in college on more than one occasion. (I was aware of this fact, as she had shared the same stories with me in the past.) During their conversation, Connor revealed that the idea of a same sex interaction appealed to him, but he would never act on it. He confessed that he had a crush on me and asked if she was upset or jealous, Shay laughed and said she thought it was hot.

Shay had never told me of this conversion and thinking back, I had never noticed a difference in either one of their behaviors towards me.

I did not know how to react in that moment, so I stood up pulling myself away from Connors grasp. Not wanting to shame him for his honesty, I thanked him for sharing, but explained I needed time to process all this information. I told him I would be in touch.

As I laid in bed that night, I was unable to sleep with all the thoughts in my head and emotions balled up in my chest. Connors profession of love brought back a lot of memories of Luke and the feelings we shared. I understood firsthand, Connors feeling of lost for the one you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, we had that in common.

 

I loved Shay like a sister, and I loved baby Cody from the moment I laid eyes on him and yes, I loved Connor too. I had felt a connection with him from the early days of our friendship. Connor and Luke were so different, yet I could acknowledge my feelings for them were similar. Just being around them brighten my day, I enjoyed their sense of humor, and their happiness meant the world to me.

I did not visit Connor over the following two weeks, as I wanted to give us both time to realize that our feelings were somehow manifestations from our past trauma, at least that is what I told myself. Connor had called a couple times, I let it go to voicemail and would text back later, stating I was busy, but would be in touch. Those two weeks were hard, as I had not gone more than four, maybe five days without seeing Cody since his birth and I missed him and Connor terribly, but believed this time apart was for the best.

On a Wednesday evening, I pulled into my driveway, returning home from work. The weather was especially nasty due to a tropical storm off the coast much further south. The sky was dark with heavy rolling clouds, strong winds appeared to make the rain fall at an angle.  My headlights fell on my front stoop, Connor was sitting there, completely soaked from head to toe, his light brown hair stuck against this forehead.

I ran from my car to the door, shouting, “Are you crazy!” I did not wait for him to respond; I pushed past him, unlocked the door and pulled him inside. Connor stood in my foyer, water dripping onto the tile, I immediately noticed the sorrow in his eyes. “You haven’t called, you’re avoiding me, and I had to see you.”  He whimpered. I apologized as I handed him a towel from the downstairs bath. “I thought the time apart would do you some good, help you realize that your love was not of a romantic nature.” I offered. Connor dropped the towel on the floor and stepped closer, “The time apart has only made me realize how much I do love you and want to be with you!” he pleaded. He reached out and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me in for a hug, I hugged him back and we stayed in that embrace for well over a minute. His wet clothes were cold against me, but I didn’t care as I knew he needed this, we both did.

As Connor and I began to move apart from our embrace, he moved back in and kissed me softy on the lips. He pulled away and asked if that was okay.

I had accepted years ago that I was asexual and to me, that meant I would live the rest of my life single, as I understood that sex was a natural part of human nature and it would be unfair for me to pursue someone with the expectation that we would not be physically intimate, but require they not be intimate with anyone else either.

However, after feeling Connor’s lips against mine, I realized I could do this for him. Just as I had with Luke. I may not have the physical urges to be intimate with Connor, but I certainly felt emotionally passionate about our bond. If Connor wanted to pursue a relationship with me, I was willing to consider the possibility.

I invited him into the dining room, and we sat at the table and spoke for hours about what a relationship between the two of us may look like. What we wanted and needed from the relationship, what boundaries we had and what we would not tolerate.

We decided to take things slow, so Connor could actualize his feelings, if we were going to be together, he would have to eventually come out to this family and friends. I did not rush him or place any expectations on him, as I understood this was new territory for him. While we were exclusively dating from that rainy night, we did not put a label on it for five months and it was another two after that when we invited his parents and siblings over and Connor came out as bi-sexual and revealed that he and I were in a relationship. There was a lot of confusion, many questions, but by the end of the night, his family had all accepted me with open arms. His brother patted me on the back and his sister joked that she was jealous. His parents immediately made me feel like a part of the family.

Shay’s mother was the last person we told, as we knew the conversion would be strenuous, but we felt she deserved to know as Cody’s grandmother, and I would be taking on a parenting role as Connor’s partner. She took it as well as we had expected, we were patient with her for Cody’s sake and she came around in time.

We were together for almost ten years before gay marriage was passed at the federal level, we married the following April on a private beach on the bayside of Maryland’s coast surrounded my family and friends. Two months after our wedding, I adopted Cody and this child that I had raised since he was infant legally became my own.

Next April will be fifteen years that Connor and I have been together, and nine years married. Cody is almost sixteen years old, a fact I can hardy believe. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, Connor’s sister has been a mother figure for Cody, and he is close with his cousins from all three sides of his family, Connor’s, Shay’s and mine.

Over the years, Cody has questioned us about his mother, and I never pass up the opportunity to share with him how amazing of a person she was and how much she loved him even before he was born.

I will be forever grateful to Shay, for her friendship and providing me a family.