whats wrong with me.

for some odd reason. spears’ new song, ‘im not a girl, not yet a woman’ makes me feel really sad.

i dont know what it is.

i havent had a horrible life. i cant say that i have. everything ive needed ive always gotten. maybe everything but love and attention from people i think should give it. but then again, maybe i did have it and i just see it differently. i dont know.

i hate my life though.

i look back and i cant even remember being happy. like as a kid, and a teenager. the past year has been better than most. but yea.

i “miss” that i didnt have that. and miss isnt the word. but i dont know what to say. im sad that i wasnt always happy and innocent.

and im sad that poor nathan is already more grown up than i probably was at his age. and im sad that everyone in his life treats him like shit.

i raised him up until the point where my sister took him away. and that was when he was 4. its been two years.

he was finally starting to act more behaved, and more managable and then she rips him from the only love and home hes had.

everyone always thinks im upset because nathan is not my child, but thats not the case. im upset because i love him and care for him more than his mother has ever seemed to. and he sees it. and all he wants in the whole world is his mothers love and attention.

i think hes still mad at me for leaving to move to st louis. i still remember when i left, and when he found out. ill never forget how sad he was.

i slept for like 3 hours tonight just because i was sick of living. i was sick of being around people and talking to people, and being alive. argh.

this isnt going to happen.

i wont let it.

god, and i hate that ive gained so much weight, and sure everyones like..blah blah you’re skinny you havent gained any weight. but i have.

when i was living in st louis, i was like 97, yea thats small, but i liked myself then, i liked my body. and it wasnt like i was anorexic, cause i was eating. just i was eating at the right times, and sleeping right, and getting regular exorsize..i mean, i was mobile for god sake.

and now i eat at all hours of the day and i eat junk. and i never move. i sit on my ass like my sister and like my friends and i was tv and eat all day and all night. and i hardly move at all. and i sleep non-stop. and argh. im 109 now. gross.

i have to lose some of that, i dont care what anyone thinks. its gross. god. yuck.

i remember when i used to write daily. even a couple times a day.

i felt the need to write. like i had to get everything out of my head and into a journal or diary. anything.

and now, i dont want people knowing me. i dont want people knowing my thoughts, or being able to hold anything against me.

it makes me sad that i dont write the way i used to, cause it was so important to me. writing felt important.

i miss being the more important thing in someones life. i miss having someone. and loving someone. my life isnt the same.

but at the same time, anyone who wants in my life i push away. there have been a couple people interested, and i just blow them off. because i dont want that again. i dont want to keep putting into relationships that mean nothing. im sick of it. i cant do it, i dont have the strength too.

there are just so many things that i want, and now i feel that they are so unreachable.

*sigh* i just dont know anymore.