time.

 i cant believe it is already May 14th. Everyday seems like it is
going by really slow, but then I look back or look at the date, and it
seems as though its flying by.
My nephew just turned 6 years old. it
is so weird. I can still remember the first day that he was born. And
my other nephew will be 10 in september. I can remember the day he was
born too. And my niece is going to be 5 and going into kindergarden. I
am getting too old. People around me are getting too old. What am I
going to do with myself. When am I going to start my life??
Jay and
I are starting to look again for aparments. Its hard to find an
apartment in our price range. Basically we have no money and it has to
be a very inexpensive apartment, but at the same time i dont want any
cheap old place like this one where i will have to deal with
cockroaches again. and there is no way in hell i am staying here, but
we have horrible credit right now. I dont know what we’re going to do.
Jay wants to buy a house, he has wanted a house for as long as I have
known him. But a house is too exphensive there are too many things to
pay for when you get a house, and really….im not up to upkeeping a
house. lol.
Emma, my new niece is 2 months old. I cant believe it.
she is growing bigger everyday. I got really annoyed with her today, I
feel bad. But she just cries all the time. and I get irritated easily,
since I work with babies all day long, when I go to my moms I dont want
to take care of her, I want to play with her. And my sister makes it my
job to do everything for her whenever I am there. So I probably get
more annoyed at my sister and just feel it towards emma. Either way I
feel bad, it isnt Emma’s fault. And she is sooo freakin cute.
I
should get off my ass and go get a second job, but I really dont want
to. Ive been looking into nannying again because that is where I can
make the best money.
My problem is that I dont like doing much
else. I like working with chldren. Mostly young children, not often
older ones. I wish there were other things that I liked, but there isnt
much. Cause I hate dealing with people and I hate talking on the phone.
so that rules out a lot of things and job opportunities. Working with
children is so rewarding, and most of the time it makes me feel so good
about myself and what I do.
*sigh* I hardly see jay anymore. I get
to see him about once a week. And i live with him, how sad is that. He
is always working. he stopped working full time at his job to work part
time there, so that him and this guy he knows can start up a business
doing vinyl signs and letters and graphics and stuff. but its
stressfull. cause the bills are hardly getting paid, hes working over
night a lot, rarely is home. and i dont even get to see him. lately the
relationship is not so rewarding as it used to be. Im trying very hard
to be understanding. but i cant understand how he doesnt feel like its
important to ocome home and spend time with me, and coming home at 11
instead of 2am or 3am doesnt count. I dont know…and sometiems he says
he is coming home and never does. its just so sad, and im so lonely all
the time.
so much to say, so little time, not many to listen….
i
dont really know….so i am going to go for now. yesterday was friday
the 13th, and jay and i went to his uncles to see his grandma and have
dinner, some stupid bitch rear ended us….my stupid neck hurts now, so
im gonna go cut it off. hahah.
anyway…..gotta go.