nephew thoughts.

you know.

it makes me sad-ish. to think about how much i did for nathan.

i like to believe i completely raised him on my own. even though i know i didnt. my mom and my other sister did too. his mother never did shit for him.

and it bothers me so much.

cause i look at him now. and even with my influence, my sisters, and my moms. he is still the spitting image of my sister, and thats not a good thing.

my sister is such a bad influence. she is such a bad mother.

and its horrible cause theres nothing i can do about it.

and it makes me so sad that i did so much for nathan, i took care of him so much, and hes 6 now and when i took care of him he was too young to even remember.

and now he’ll never know, and never realize how much i did. and i never realized it would be like that.

i used to be so important to him, he relied(sp?) on me for so much.

and now, i dont think he even likes me. and it makes me cry, cause it makes me wonder what i did wrong. and its nothing i did. its what his mothers done.

i guess im just as bad.

nathan used to be everything to me. he used to be the most important thing in my life.

i remember the day he found out i was moving to st louis. he got this sad look, and was like, ‘no you’re not ‘t’, you’re just teasing me’. he was so sad. and he kept asking when, and we’d tell him after i graduated. and the night of my graduation he was very upset. he actually thought i was leaving that night.

i didnt go out the night of my graduation. i took him bowling and spent the night with him.

god. its sad.

he used to live with me. he used to sleep in my room, in my bed. i was a mother to him. and he doesnt remember. grrrrrr. it makes me want to kick someone.

no one understands any of this. most people dont know what its like to raise a child and then have them taken away, and slowly removed from your life.

my sister just took him one day and i didnt see him for the longest time. and then i moved. there was no reason for me to be here she took him. and then he always called me crying begging me to move back to grandmas so that he could live there again.

he never understood that it wasnt me or my mom that didnt want him here, it was his mom who took him from here.

he told his teacher the other day that he is “stuck with him mom until he’s 18” thats sad that a 6 year old says that. id take him if i could.

hes a good kid. in a bad way. he can be the sweetest angel. and then he can be the devil, calling you ever swear word in the book.

*sigh*

i just want the old nathan back. the innocent little child i raised. the ‘cute sexy frog pimp’ that he used to be. the one who loved me more than anything in the world.

ill never have that from him again.

im so pathetic.