lost child crying

i sit here and i wonder when my life became so depressing.

when was it i let myself fall into this hole that i keep falling back into.

i cant seem to walk around it, even when i know it is there.

and hun, yes i know. i need to see a doctor. and that will happen, just give me time.

it seems, everything can go so well for a while, and then it all just…well..i just fall back into the same hole everytime.

and people say that when you realize this, that when you can see the hole in the road you can menouver around it. but i have yet to do this.

i cant wait until it is possible though. because im getting so tired. all this energy i put into trying to stay happy, just drains me.

and maybe thats what depression is. but i dont want to know it anymore.

no matter how sad i feel tonite. i will just have to wake up tomorrow pretending that everything is okay. and maybe, just maybe, i can even fool myself as i am fooling everyone else.

i look around and its like, i know that i can do this, you know? i know that i can get better because its what i want. and ive done it, well..i got better for a while.

i wouldnt call tonite a complete fall back. i think that im just have a really off day.

i just feel so drained and so sad. i feel i need to cry, but only a couple tears come.

im so angry at so many things. i think that has a lot to do with it too. but i know that this things that are making me “angry” should not be. they are just little obsticles here and there that are difficult for me to get over sometimes. but i can get over them, this i know.

i know, i know. i will never get completely better unless i look to other people (professional?) for help. I cannot help myself but its a start. its the first part, i think, in getting better. trying to do something to prevent just letting urself fall into nothing.

when i talk like this. when i explain how im feeling..and then explain the things i know i need to do..

people look at me like im just looking for attention of some sort. they say that i have the answers so they dont know why i need them.

i guess i just need the support and added confidence that i can get better. because i want to..but, i, myself do not have the confidence alone.

my job really is not helping me. its really stressful. in a weird kind of way. you’d think that just watching 7 kids each day wouldnt be so bad. but they are just so disrespectful towards me, and rude. I mean, i spend my afternoon just trying to get them to do one little thing..and ugh.

i dont know. *cries*

i just want someone (my boyfriend) to hold me, or just to be with him anyway. maybe thats a false sense of security? im not sure. its just what i want. i get to see him soon though..so thats a plus.

i feel so lost in everything. not really everything, just in myself.

ugh. i hate when people know what im thinking. yet im a retard and still post it.

im going to go.