kill me already.

lets see. id love to come to OD for once and say how happy I am and how happy I have been lately. but that just inst the case here.

When I am happy when I am feeling better I dont even come to write at OD. I have nothing to say whatsoever when I am feeling fine.

I hate this though. I hate the..I feel better this week or month..and then here is this week and I feel like dying. I feel like killing myself.

I wonder what the point of my life is. WHy is it I am still alive when I could have killed myself so many times..and I still can it is completely up to me.

My day today. blah I wouldnt even call it a day. I woke up at 1pm and I got on the computer..after being on for like 5 minutes I just started crying and I couldnt stoped..I walked over to the bathroom and I leaned against the door for like 10 minutes..and then I got in bed and went to sleep.

I woke back up at 3 went online and the same thing happened. THis time I just got in bed….end the tears just streamed out. I was so sad..and so hurt. By so many things. i slept till 7pm

a lot of the times when I cry I feel myself crying over nothing..usually it is just a reaction..something that just comes.

today though it was different. I had reasons to cry, and it hurt so bad. like it really drained everything out of me. the saddness took over me.

no matter how much last night I said that I was going to wake up fine today..that I wasnt going to let anything happening affect the way that I have been feeling lately (better)..but i let it happen anyway.

i was just working on things one day at a time..and today really just bit me in the ass, hard.

but..i dunno.

a friend called me tonight. i was actually very happy to hear from him. even though I was online at the time, I got to listen to my message. It was nice. I really miss him, he asked me to write him, so I did. Now I just have to go to the post office to be able to mail it.

I got pulled over tonight, it was such shit..I almost cried. I never looked at the cop..and when he asked questions I just mumbled out the answers. And while he was standing there..i said to my roommate “i hate life” i should have asked him if he could kill me. would have been nice.

I really want to cut..like really badly. I mean..the urge..is strong..I really think I might. but then theres work to worry about.. I dont know.

I almost just want to quit everything Im doing. everything..ugh.

I want to die. And maybe I should. Im only give this a few more chances. but im not really sure i have the guts to kill myself.

::sigh::

so will you kill me, please.