i hate everything.

im in an extremely hateful mood right now.
i would like to fall into a hole and die now.
suddenly im such a terrible person that not even my boyfriend wants to be around me.
im never happy, or im always in a crappy mood, or i am fucked up, or im just not “healthy” cause i like spending my time with him.
and i have no damn friends. I DONT WANT FRIENDS. i hate people, all they do is stab you in the back. and bunch of other crap. why would i want more people in my life.
but aparently only wanting to hang out with him, and getting upset when we were gonna go somewhere and he decides to make plans and do something else, where im aparently not invited- is not okay. im not healthy because of that.
i am so sick of everything.
im so sick of my body and my health. sometime i just want to kill myself. i have so many health problems at 22 its not even funny.
but does anyone give two shits?????? no.
im so sick of work, idont make enough money for anything. im tired of my family and all their health problems.
im just so sad and so depressed….i dont even want to be around myself.
no wonder other people dont want to be around me. i dont blame them.
and then i hate myself even more for that. for being that shitty person no one wants to be around.
i do so much for so many people and i dont get a hole lot in return. i dont know. i dont know how to explain it.
i want to cry. and i want someone to be right there and just listen, and if i have nothing to say…i just want them to hold me…without wanting anything without thinking its cause i am “fucked up” without putting judgement on me.
i want jay to do that. i want him to be there for me.
im just too much for anyone i guess. no one really wants me.
i cant even fucking have sex anymore cause any time i do i get a YI and it hurts. and its just not fun.
i hate me, and i hate my body.
and i just wish that i could be a completely different person. *sigh