Dover.

Im in Dover now.
I cant say that I like it. I cant say that Ive really even given it a  try. I dont want to like it I dont want to give it a try. I miss my family. I want to go back and live by them. I know that my husband has a great job, and he is in the Air Force now and all, but I just dont care.
Sometimes I just cry and cry and cry and cry about going back to live by them. He doesnt know, he doesnt care. Frankly if he did know he’d be pissed anyway. He doesnt understand anything. He is always mad anyway. He is never in a good mood anymore, we never do anything. He works 12 hours, while I get to sit in an empty lonely house and do nothing, and then he comes home, Im lucky if he sits at the table and eats with me, and then he gets on the computer, then he goes to bed. And I cry and cry and cry.
I hate my life, I hate where Im at.
I cant get a job, no one wants a nanny, there arent any good day cares near here. The nicest one is about an hour and a half away.
The best thing going for me is that we just got internet and cable so now I dont just have to sit and look out the window all day anymore. Cause I cant talk on my cell phone then I go over on my minutes.
Jay is trying to "help" get me work. He said he told people I nanny. But apparently around here that means that I babysit. I dont babysit. But Im so damn lonely and bored and so sick of my life, I said okay anyway. Tonight, I have to go to his Sgt.’s house and watch his nephews and his little baby over night while his wife works. And I have to do that until Thursday. I guess it gives me something to do to break this boring routine. I dont get to sleep with my husband though, and I leave an hour after he gets off work. So its kind of annoying, I have nothing to do all day, then I leave when he gets home, not like there is anything going on when he gets home since he in on the computer anyway.
BLAH
I have lost a lot of weight since July. In July I was about 105 and now Im lucky if I can hit 95. I bought these weight drink things yesterday at the store. So I drank one after dinner. I hated it it was so gross. But that didnt matter anyway, cause about a half hour later I got so sick, and my stomache ached for a couple hours.
Im supposed to be going home for Christmas. Jay cant get off. So I half to go by myself. This means either  driving by myself or flying. I get major panic attacks when I have to fly by myself. I mean, just right now even thinking about it I start to get all panicy. So I think Im driving. Not like that is any better, since I need new tires. Im all the way on the east cost, and around Christmas time I will probably have to drive through shit loads of snow to get there. My grandparents were supposed to come with me, that made me feel a little more comfortable. They live about half way to my parents. They live 6 hours from here, my parents live 8 hours from there. But my grandfather decided he didnt want to leave his furnice "theres no telling what it will do" I want to yell and scream and tell him and my grandmas, "your getting old too, not just your stupid furnice, maybe you should go see your grandchildren and great-grandchildren, theres no telling what will happen" but I cant say that, just thinking it makes me cry. But its true, its so true. I just want them to go, I want them to see my niece. They hardly have ever seen here. And then I told my grandma, I would probably fly then cause Jay didnt want me driving alone. And she made me feel guilty cause she has gifts for the kids, and she said they’re too big to send so she guesses they just wont get them. Thats not fair. Cause even if I do drive to my moms now and they arent coming with then I wasnt gonna stop by there cause there is a faster way that cuts out like an hour to go south of them. but now I would half to.

Im just so sick of everything. Everything I have to do turns into a hassle. Everyone and everything has to complicate it.
I just want to be done.
Im off birth control now, and we had sex all last month without a condom and I didnt even get pregnant. Thats annoying, and discouraging. If I cant live near my family, and be with my nieces and nephews, I want my own family. Ive wanted my own family for a long time, Im getting old.