different.

Things have been so different lately. Everything has changed. My job is different. My family is different. My relationship is different. Just everything.

My sister is going to have her baby really soon. She is due on friday, the 4th of march. It doesnt seem like its been 32 weeks since she told me she was pregnant. All I can remember over and over is last year when I babysat mathew when she went to the doctor and found out she had a miscarraige. I am so happy for her and so glad that she tried again to get pregnant. I had my doubts. She is a stronger person than I thought.

Everything is so sad lately. All I do is cry. Sometimes I just want to resort back to cutting. That would be so nice. I find it  easy and helpful to slide back into everything I used to be. it was comfortable it was what  i had. I had friends then, that seem to care much more about me than any other friends I had in my entire llife. At a time when I thought that  I had nothing, i look back now and see I had much much more.

Though, things are different now. I have  my sister, and I have Jay. And I have a couple friends. But they just arent "close".

Grrrrrr. I dont know. I just hate myself so much lately, and I hate everything around me. And I hate everyone around me.

I got a new car on saturday. I got a 2005 zx4 se ford focus.  I like it, I dont care what people think about fords. Ive grown up in a family of fords, and my dad knows a lot about them. And plus I think I made my dad proud by being the only one of his kids that bought a ford. lol.

I was just done with my Eclipse. I hate mitsubishi, I hate their cars. I have had nothing but bad experiences with them. My car was slowly getting more and more problems with it. And I wanted a 4 door car so I can think about nannying, and so I can take my nieces and nephews places.

Blah. I feel like crap. I dont feel like doing anything. My house is such a mess. I dont want to clean. Bills are late, but I dont ever feel like doing our budgets and paying them. Everything I think of doing just irritates the hell out of me. i just dont want to be around anymore. I want to find somewhere to hide.

I wonder where my life is going. I dont have anything. I dont have money. I cant go to college. And even if I had money to go to college. I cant motivate myself to do it. The thought of school annoys the hell out of me. 

Sometimes I wonder what jay and I have. Sometimes he is so nice, and I love him so much. Sometimes I dont see how he could be any nicer and what more he could do for me when I need it.  I want to spend so much time with him, and be with him…  And other times he is so mean, and sometimes even unloveable. Sometimes I feel like he tries to be an asshole to me, and I cant see how he can be so mean. Lately when he has done something mean, or just has been an asshole he apologizes a lot. He never used to apologize, he used to say that he doesnt say sorry, there is no point in the word "sorry" and now he says, "im sincerely sorry, you have to believe me" and "all I can do is apologize terri" I wonder where that comes from. I wonder if that means that he did something wrong and he feels bad, or if he is just trying to get me not to be so angry at him. I wonder if it means that he cares more now about how we are and about what we are and just wants to make everything right.  Jay is a complicated person. and I know he has reason to be. I guess thats why I love him. But his person also makes me not like him so much sometimes.  blah, life is so complicated.

I should be getting a raise soon at work. which would be good. right now i have no money at all. and i need money. i should be going out and getting a 2nd job so i can pay all my bills. I dont know, it just makes me so sad that I should be having to get another job . I dont want one. I want time to spend with my family. and my friends and boyfriend, but that will take all the time away.

I dont know. i dont know what else to write or say. my brain has soooo many things in it i jsut dont know what to write.