angry,sad,tired..

I dont know exactly what im going to write.

all i know is that im okay and im not okay. im okay to the point where im not extremely depressed. but i keep getting sad feelings, and i keep remembering being depressed. and so then i feel depressed, and its making me really mad. so many things make me really mad.

i seem to remember this time in st louis where i was talking to my friend. and i knew things were different, but i didnt see it that way. like i wanted to see it differently but i just couldnt, and i didnt want to. i shouldn’t have had to.

argh. too many damn memories.

and god, im so sick of guys. im sick of them asking me out, im sick of them asking me to hang out, im sick of them calling me. im sick of them being all over me, as if i want them to be.

i want someone, for the comfort. i want someone, for the love. i want someone, to sleep with(at night). i want someong, who will care. i want someone, who will be there whenever I want them to. not just when they want to be. but i DONT want anyone. I dont want to be with anyone, i dont want a boyfriend at all, i dont want a fuck buddy, i dont want anyone. i want to be alone. and no one can uncerstand or respect that.

i want to jsut sit around and be alone, and do nothing. because it makes me feel good. i want to go out alone sometimes, go shopping alone, but no, someone always invites themselves. argh.

i want my own place, so i can walk around and feel comfortable, and know that i pay for it. i cant wait for that feeling again. knowing that when i wake up or get home from work, my parents, brothers, sisters, niece and nephews wont be there. though i love coming home to my niece and nephews on occation.

I just went back reading old journal enties of people last night. makes me sad. cause i remember those times like they were yesterday. and argh. im sick of people in my life leaving. im always saying goodbye. i can never keep a friend or anyone around long, and its not fair. nothings fair.

*shrugs*

i dont know where my life is going. in a movie last night someone said, ‘you’re not going to get anywhere in life without having dreams’ i dont really have any dreams. only one, and its not a dream to achieve, i could just get it anytime i want to. with concesquences, but at any time in my life there will be. so whatever. its just. blah. what happened to me that im so shut off from the world. why am i so different that everyone else.

i wouldnt want to be like everyone, but most people, most everyone i know has dreams. and i dont. and i dont know why. and it frustrates me. and it makes me mad. and then, i try and think of some dreams, something id like to do. but i cant. when i was young i always wanted to work with children in some way, i always knew that. and now, here i am at 20 doing just that, and its not enough. there has to be something else, something more.

im such a failure. thats what i am. i fail at everything. every friendship, every relationship. *sigh*. going to school, keeping a job, moving away and staying away, i fuck everything up.

if i ever have a kid, ill probably screw it up to. ill probably be a horrible mom. ill be the kind of mom i never watned to be. ill have no patience, no sympathy, no love, no nothing. iim nothing.

ive been thinking a lot of times when i was depressed and suicidal. and yea. sometimes i just want all that back. sometimes i just get tired of trying and trying so hard to keep from going back to that. but theres one thing i have to do, and thats prove to some people that i dont need anyone in order to not be depressed. i dont need someone to love me, or hold me, to care, or whatever. i dont need anyone.

i think thats what ive decided, i made up my mind when kirk and i broke up that i didnt need anyone and i wouldnt have anyone. cause i dont, and i wont. im probably a better person when im not with someone anyway.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. im so angry. it was never bad. everything was good. nothing was wrong. and its just retarded. and even though im over the major part of whats making me mad, the other part is just making me more angry.

i dont know. im sad. im gonna go read some journal entries. i guess. then probably get ready for bed since i have to work tomorrow.