always comes back.

Im so depressed.
I dont know why.  I just want to cry. I want to spend my entire day crying.
I have no one. How sad is that, that only makes me cry. In a relationship for 3 years and i have no one.
The one thing I like to do, be around children. I just dont care about.
I want to see my family but every minute I am with them I want to stab them all and stab myself.
I love my niece to death, but sometimes I cant stand her.
Every time Im around my mom, I get all stressed out, and the next day end up getting a cold sore.
I hate every part of my life.
And the one person I want to be with. The one person I want to understand…is just too busy.
He acts like Im in the way of everything. Like I dont understand anything. He thinks that my wants and needs should change for him. He has to have everything the way he wants it, when he wants it, how he wants it.
He is so selfish. And yet, he says I am. All I want is to see my boyfriend..who I live with, by the way, and who I have lived with for 2 1/2 years. But he is too busy for me. His girlfriend, always too busy.
I just dont get it. He wants to get married. But he has no time for me. He quit his full time job months ago to start his own business. He NEEDS to give that up. He needs to sacrafice something for our relationship.
I feel like ever since he did that our relationship hasnt been the same.
I dont understand anything.
Sometimes I just want to die. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Theres nothing I want enough to be here.
My birthday is next month. Another year older and what do I have to show for it? nothing at all. I dont want my birthday to come, its going to be a horrible day, just like last year. I am so old, yet….so young. but much older than young.
I keep losing weight. Im stable right now I guess. Ive been 96/97lbs for about 6 months. But I cant gain weight. I dont care about food. I never feel the need to eat. Im never hungry enough to eat. I eat breakfast, most of the time lunch. But I rarely eat dinner. Cause I just dont ever get hungry for it. I dont even like food, and I hate eatting. Its irritating and takes way too much effort.
Sometimes I feel like my life is falling apart, and yet…it was really never "together". *shrugs*
guess ill go to sleep now, even though its only 8:30. im pathetic.