Young & the Restless
So.
I am pregnant.
Well as pregnant as 2 x first response tests and being 2 weeks late for a period can be.
How does that grab you?
if your response was along the lines of "oh fuck", "oh No"… or in my case
sitting on the bed holding the test in my hand and sobbing. Then you know how I feel.
When did my life become a soap opera?
What kind of fucking games are they playing with me.
What the fuck are they doing to my life, what is this supposed to teach me.
I mean come on… Its gotta be a joke right?
I am broke, living in my ex-boyfriends mothers house, and the last time I have sex with him i fall pregnant, and I was on the pill.
Awesome…
What am I going to do?
I have no idea.
Lots of things are running through my head.
the fact that I am 35 this year, and may never have the chance to have a child again.
The fact that I am broke.
The fact that this isn’t meant to be like this.
The fact that if I have an abortion, I will regret it… and I will.
So many many many things.
I have told Mum and Steve, talked on the phone for over an hour with steve last night, and he was so good… not leaning either way, but just pointing out alot of things.
Mum cried, and went on about how unfair my life was. And why had I had so many bad things happen to me… (Like I need reminding at the moment.)
But how strong I am, and how I seem to get through things.
(because you don’t have a choice)…
Ike, of course wants me to have an abortion.
This week it gets a heartbeat. Poppyseed size heart.
My sense of smell has gone through the roof.
Only 2 days of nausea.
My boobs hurt,
I am tired all the time.
Food doesnt appeal at all, & I have to make myself eat.
I have a doctors appointment in the morning.
OH MY GOD! All those symptoms are familiar for the 1st trimester. You know what babe, maybe this is your blessing in disguise. May not appear like that now, but every single mum I know (though they struggle, and they inevitably do) have all been so grateful for their babies and wouldn’t know what to do in life without them. I know its not how its ‘meant’ to be, but you’ve always said you wanted to
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… have a baby and maybe this is the universe’s gift to you, despite it meaning a big life upheaval. I don’t know… I just know losing a baby and having that procedure was awful. I don’t think Ike gets a say in this… its time to think of you and the bubby and like all single mums you will make do, you will get support both from the govt and the people who love you and you’ll have a new little
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… person who will love you more than anything in the world. I know I am biased in my opinion, I just can’t imagine that its going to be ‘better’ to go through the physical and emotional consequence of the alternative. This gives you something to look forward to and get excited about, even if you haven’t figured out the logistics of it yet. Go home to mum for a while. Let her help! You can do it!
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