My hearts still beating like a hammer

Ike is back,  its only short as he has to go back to Sydney on Friday. As he starts his new job on the 2nd.
Its going to be a bloody long and painful 3 ½ weeks without him.
 I am nervous, just can’t shake it.
I will try and keep myself occupied with packing and getting ready to leave.
Cleaning the house and organizing stuff. But I know its going to be hard.
 
I don’t think we have spent that long apart since we actually met face to face in July last year.
Meh..
 
I am getting the push at work today about food costs and the new menu. I have only had today to start thinking about the food costs, and yet here I am writing on O.D… lol
And the food costs for this month are sitting at 37%, they must, must be below 30 by the 1st of march….
Yeah, do you know how much 30 kgs of breadcrumbs are? That’s how much my apprentice ordered while I was on my days off.
a-fucking-lot.
Its not helping my food costs.
 
Spent a nice day off with Ike yesterday, We went out for dinner and I got a little tipsy and told Ike my deepest darkest secret (something stupid), made me start thinking about Tracey though, and how much I miss her and wish she was still around. She was my best friend from the age of 5-30.  Steve ended that…
Had a funny dream about James the other night too, Most of my dreams about him revolve around the accident, and the day of the accident, but I had a nice one the other day. Nice for a change.

I keep having this dream where I see James in the bottleshop, like I did on that  day, and he was picking up some coke to drink at the party, and I was trying to get him to stay and wait for me to go to the party together, in reality, I saw him at the bottleshop, buying coke and he went to the party before me , and I went after, we left the party 7 minutes apart and I was first on the scene of his accident.  I have the dream so many times.
So many.
 
I am all over the shop today huh…
 
Another chapter to the long and painful story of Mark. I got an email from his ex (Martine), that wasn’t addressed to me personally, but as it would look like, everyone in his contacts list, saying that Mark had had an operation to remove something in his liver, and had lost a lot of blood, died on the table for 23 minutes, was brain dead for 2 minutes and had a stroke.
 
Now… lol, I don’t know where to start about this one…  
Its just not ringing true at all, for me anyway, its all crap and I know it is. I know its dodgy (his fault), but I have access to Marks email account, as he uses the same password and email address as we used while were working at Palm Royale in Cairns together.. But after having a nosy a couple of days ago after trying to not get involved in this “stroke/cancer” thing I couldn’t stop myself from Logging in so I could have a look… and there he is writing to friends, applying for jobs, organising hookers,  all around and after this time where is was supposedly stuck down with a stroke… not being able to write or talk…
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I don’t know how he has involved Martine, the letter sent to her telling her about Marks operation, was sent from someone else. ..
I don’t know, I think its my fault, as when Mark tried to get in contact with me about 2 months ago, I facebooked Martine and told her that if he ever contacted me again I would call the police and get a restraining order.  And how sad it was for him, that he had had lung cancer 3 times, and his mother was dead ( she wasn’t)… and I never heard back from him or her after that. But now this, its all very weird ,and I know I should let it go, but he makes me so so angry that he does this to people that care about him… he always told me it was lung cancer, but now its liver cancer…and I know its all bullshit…
Let it go…

I can’t help getting involved because I am just begging that karma to come around, and get him back…

I have no idea what I’ll do if I ever see him on the street.
 
God, I hate thinking that Ike is going back…
I just want to leave this place and go back with him…
 
I can’t wait to leave this place behind, and start new again…
Its going to be better.
 
I am not well today, its shitting me to no end. It just feels like I have the stitch all the time, bend funny it hurts, breathe in deep it hurts. Spent last nigh in pain, sharp stab in my top tummy region… lol, hey I’m no doc…
I have never been like this before I was well and healthy up till the time I had my gallbladder and liver bit taken  out, and I only one or 2 episodes involving my gall  before that happened.
I have never taking time off work, or felt so lethargic, and just generally in pain (alot)
I hate feeling just so not myself, it effects my day, it effects my time with Ike,  I just know something is wrong.
I have never, ever, ever been like this, ever…… And I know that something is just not right…
I will be on too it straight away back in NSW.

Sorry this entry is all over the place. In a hurry..
Must go now!!

~KIPPER~
PS: loving the new od!! But how do I read my faves new entries!!