bits

Monday.
Day off work.

Worked yesterday 6 am till 6 pm.
B & I stood in his section, side by side and just prepped and talked.
Its hard to see him and not touch him, its weird now when he comes into work and says "Hi Chef" I just try and say " " "Hi" and not look like I am elated to see him.
Then it takes about 4 minutes to sink into some form of trying to be normal, and not touching him, and not being too familar with him, like he is my work mate, and I don’t know what his tongue feels like on mine. But it was nice just spending time with him, and being close to him.

He came over last night, once he finished work,  we just sat on the couch and cuddled, he is constantly cuddling me, stoking my skin, he nuzzles into my neck, kissing me and pulling me in tighter.
We talk and make plans for later in the week, we talk about his family, work, my dreams.
When he is nuzzling me, I so much want to say to him, "what is this" as its obviously not about the sex, he is being a perfect gentleman, taking things very slow. I want to ask him whats going on in his head, I want to know if this is something, or anything, or nothing.  What does the cuddling and nuzling and slow tender kissing means…  But I don’t, I don’t let my inner Nina Proudman out, the fumbling, anxious, person that can’t just enjoy being in his arms without knowing if we are "together" or what this all means….
But I do, I say nothing,and enjoy being cuddled.  It been so long, honestly its been 2 years since Ike and I broke up, and this is the first time I have been with someone since.  I have dated and seen and yes, slept with others since then, but this is the first time I have let someone in and let my guard down, and  let myself go.
When he left last night, I went outside and lay in the hammock and watched the stars.
My mind goes quiet and I just become thankful. 
I won’t see him today, but will tomorrow and also Weds.

Only a week ago, he wouldn’t have entered my mind… well he did enter my mind, but I really didn’t know that much about him.
Now… its become this little bit of something…

3 days ago, Justin asked to talk to me in the office, we go in and shut the door.  He starts telling me that he can’t work here anymore, that this place is destroying him, that the people higher up and the place itself needs to be "re-booted" that somewhere along the line this place has been sucking out his love of food and cooking, and he can’t do it anymore.
He starts crying, I start crying because I know exactly what it is that he is talking about… Its doing the same to me, taking my passion for food and creating and bleeding me dry. He tell’s me he is going to resign today ( my day off) with chef, and he will give a months notice, and that he is sorry and he really likes me and I have been great, but he needs to re-access his life.

When he leaves the office, I sit in the corner and cry.

I don’t cry at work, that’s been my number one rule for my whole career, because you can’t be seen as weak in this job, no one has time for it, girls shouldn’t be there already, but to cry… pffft.
But I do.  I cry and think " I really need to do the same thing…."
I want to leave and re-assess my life.  I can truely see myself being the happiest cooking is this beautiful welcoming cafe, with a daily changing menu scribbled on the wall. Cooking with whatever I happen to get that day, seasonal produce, somewhere where I am surrounded by amazing things, like seaside, or hunter valley, yarra valley, margaret river, where people come everyday and sit and read the paper and I can cook gorgeous little things and cook what I want, not what I am told to, or what I have too.
I want to build this little cage with retro couch;s and furniture and gorgeous tea cups & teapot;s and miss matched tables and chairs, with music and amazing coffee, and yummy things t eat, and a place that is comfortable with great happy, quiet staff, that just let people be.
Thats my dream.  Not big city’s, big hotels, big title.  I never wanted to be an exec chefs, I never wanted to chase hats.
I just want a pure and simple life….