Freak out.
This entry is all over the shop. I’m not going to proof read it or edit it… so if it doesn’t make sense, that’s cause i’m not making sense.
~~~
I had a total freak-out about Mark on Sunday. It didnt help that he happened to be there with me when it happened. I went silent, I told him I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t have any answers for him, I didn’t know where I wanted to go, where we were going, what I wanted. I told him he should probably go home.
Things have been usually intense between the two of us. For better or for worse, I really do like this guy and it’s quite obvious that he likes me. When were together we cant shut each other up and for some odd reason weve already made plans for the rest of our lives. Its that sort of intense.
We [Mark and I] went to the Royal National Park. We made a picnic lunch, well he made one. The usual salads, he had dead animal, I didnt. Olives and semi-sun dried tomatoes are my favourite and they were there too. We sat by the water and ate, it was usually warm (18oC). It really was wonderful.
We went for a walk around the park afterwards.
Afterwards Drove out to Thirroul and had tea at the Scarborough Hotel, an absolutely amazing view. But it was very chilly by then especially with the wind coming off the ocean, so we didnt stay too long.
Made our way back to my place where we laid in bed and again discussed our lives together.
He left roughly around 1030ish.
Brenden finally called me back on Sunday morning.
He has a way of putting things into perspective and telling me that what Im feeling is ok. Im not sure why, or if Im even seeking is approval. Well Im not, but he takes away the confusion and tells me its ok.
Im not sure why Im hesitating. Sunday morning I woke up and was like what the hell am I doing. Why am I like this with someone Ive only just met? This is stupid. DONT! Ive got it in the back of my head and I cant get it out.
DONT!
But why? I lost everything with Jay. Not emotionally. Very little has happened emotionally when we split up, it was over a long time before and Id already prepared myself for the break-up and it was relief not sadness I felt with him. It was the puppy, kitties my beautiful things that I lost. I have to start again, Ive got to rebuild my life
and Ive been burnt.
Hesitation. Im hesitating, I want to but I dont. And I dont know why.
It would be so easy to put every good bit into a box and whatever is left out -the problematic things, the things im holding on to, to know the bits that I need to work on, i’m not having that clarity at the moment they need to be there in front of me.
Melbourne
So Melbourne is a long way away at the moment. I need to organize my finances. And who knows Mark may not even be around then.
But he did say, that in 6-12 months (the time frame Ive put on it) that if were together, if were in love then he would have no issues with moving with me.
There is that L word.
Laying in bed, sharing a pillow nose to nose he sighs, This is silly Jaemes, really silly. Im going to back off and let you have some time to yourself and think. We shouldnt be talking the way that we are. Im not in love with you, but its pretty close.
And Im a little afraid to admit that I am to. But I don’t understand why I hesitating to go there.
Time, he said time, B said time, I say time. Time, time, time fucking time. Fuck.
*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨)¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ *LPH*
It does take time. Maybe don’t make it out to be anything more than it is for the moment. You enjoy each other’s company and spending time together, so let it be as simple as that. Go with the flow, if it works out everything will fall into place, if not, it’ll become apparent soon enough. Don’t stop yourself from feeling because you’ve been burnt before. xx
Warning Comment
I wish for both our sakes time wasn’t such a ****ing hindrance.
Warning Comment
RYN: That’s interesting, I don’t think hers did either. She’s obviously the best judge on how to approach it with her parents, but I still try to encourage her to be herself, and not hide who she is or who she wants to be with. She’s said she’d never take anyone home to meet them, which makes me sad, because it’s nice to know that your parents like who you’re with, if that makes sense.
Warning Comment
You curse it, but time is what you need. You’re young, you don’t need to rush into something just because it’s there. You’ll know when it’s right and when the time is right.
Warning Comment
Hmmm…
Warning Comment
RYN: USA! I’ve already seen all of the British version. And he’s 26, why do you ask?
Warning Comment
You have to take your time, I think. Those are the relationships that last. The ones that burn hot right away almost always fizzle out quickly. It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going with this guy, and it sounds like it’s worth going slowly. I see great things happening for you–you’ve been burned, but you’ll rise from the ashes I promise.
Warning Comment
Jesus Christ, just throw a fairytale on me why don’t ya 😀 Are you wearing the golden shoe? Did he find the lost one for your naked foot? 🙂 Yeah this is very sudden isn’t it, but it’s like my landlord always says when he’s home – his relationships have always been inTENSE, like if they don’t take off in the first week or two, then they don’t at all. I kinda like that idea. That metaphoric spark that just lights you both on fire. Call my a cynic, I still believe in love at first sight, somewhere in the back of my mind. This time I did note the vegetarian reference 😛 Thank you so much for your note, I was a bit of a mess yesterday I wouldn’t have even know what to say, I’d be like ‘errrm, yeah’ – anyway, I’m very happy for you. I don’t know any gay guys who would organise a picnic, let alone tryna find one to date!
Warning Comment
RYN: You may be right.
Warning Comment
Everyone else seems to think you should take your time. Just as important – you need to believe in yourself. Wil
Warning Comment
ryn: lol, I suggested it once, jokingly when I’d first met Greg and we actually hung out together (talk about weird!) There was just the longest awkward silence so I shrugged and said “….eifel tower, anyone?” they were both horrified. I, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious.
Warning Comment
RYN: Yeah, im 6 feet tall.
Warning Comment
ryn; LMFAO!!!
Warning Comment
Omg you are so friggin silly. I don’t know. What do you think a good name for me would be? I spell anyway I want. I’ll fix it for you though. Ok?
Warning Comment
Lol, it wasn’t me. You leave her alone. Mister. Or else… *lick*
Warning Comment
RYN: I would believe either. Carbon compounds do tend to be the strongest substances known to man, and the extreme heat and pressure in the center of the earth could pretty much obliterate anything humans could construct, even things made of Super Awesome Nanotubes. Hugs, John
Warning Comment
PS. (I have to put this privately). For the past five years or so, I’ve worked on the manufacturing side of the biotechnology industry. Right now, I manufacture test kits for infectious/autoimmune diseases out of latex and I make hematology controls out of human (etc.) blood. When I worked with David, we made test controls for infectious diseases for everything from chicken pox to drug resistant HIV out of human plasma/serum. These would be run along side a patient sample to ensure that the test kit/equipment is functioning properly. I’ve done tons of work for outside companies as well, where they tell my company what they want, and I make it to spec. It sounds way more interesting than it is. It’s mostly just waiting for the centrifuge to stop. I hope I did an okay job explaining that… I’ve completely lost sight out of what most people know about these things, and what is specialized knowledge. Hugs, John
Warning Comment
RYN: oh you bastard…I literally read your note, and my lungs ached out for nicotine…you bastard!
Warning Comment
ryn: BC THEY WOULDNT LET ME TAKE HER ANYWHEREO!!!!! ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Warning Comment
Oh the dreaded ‘L’ word. Destroyer of many good relationships! I cringe at the very mention of it. RYN: That’s a very good question; blunt but necessary. Thank you.
Warning Comment