3/6/06

the emotions inside of me act like living personalities.  that in itself doesn not explain it all.  when i address my sense of love and the sudden growth and awareness of it, i feel warmth carressing my arms and a increase in the beat of my heart. also, i feel as if there is a person inside of me, becoming excited in the fact that they are seen.  like a child kicking in the womb?

my rage is the same way.   i have ignored the dirty bugger much.  it always bullies my sadness,  i feel it fighting inside of me.  i find myself crying tears of confusion as i realize that a large part of me wants to rip at my hair, clench my fists and start punching and kicking the walls.  when i become sad it quickly changes into another state, i curl up and hyperventalate silently..asking myself why am i crying when i do not want to….and WHY is this anger here?

i don’t let him win though….maybe it is his last attempts at dominating the darkness i know.

sadness 🙂 i love you my sadness, you are sweet and small now.  before you were the air that filled my being 🙂

i can smile because i can say those days are not here today.  it was not your fault that in your grief you let so many darker beings into my heart. 

lately it is my pride that has been dominating the decisions when i am not paying close attention.   hmm, i don’t know what to think since i never really flexed this muscle before.  i am actually ok with it strutting around being how i lived with such low self esteem for …well for all my life! 

….

i never thought things would be this calm, despite the very real problems i am in, i am so happy to feel….