10/9/05

I am sore today.  My legs  they feel like motors in need of an oil change.  Wdickedly.  I am astounded of how …….princess and the pea I am about even my clothes.  Ha ha ha!!! My jeans and bra shirt so harsh on me that they seriously did not sleep last night. 
I went out yest erday to a friends birthday party.  Because it was his birthday party.  Oh my goodness, lol, the did not help and we got so lost!  I called Eddy but he was going for gold since him and his best friends hadn’t hung out together in a while. I wanted him to have a guys night too <— reason #2, for going to a friends party.  So it was no suprise that when I called Eddy was too drunk to really be some kind of help to me.  Ha ha ha.  OOh I was almost steaming at that point.  But it was found in the end. 🙂
We went in and my friend was oh so drunk by that time.  I wished him happy birthday and he gave me his birthday necklace that had a shot glass attached to it.  I took my brother!! I am happy about that, he turned 18 on thursday and I wanted to hang out with him.  I am so lame because I speak to him and I feel so proud!!  Not so much of his accomplishments…
I see life as hard sometimes.  I have no control over the actions that anyone in my family makes.  I cannot tell them what to do.  Thier choices, this life is for them to experience.  I am not there, I was not thier friend…only thier sister and at home life was not about friends.  So as they get older, I want to know them.  I want to know them NOW lol but its harder this way and I am working at it slowly.  So.  They don’t wait on living, the things I learn today….it is already done.  What they have set out to do, they will do.  When I see logical thinking and strong characteristics in thier personality.  I know they will survive well.  I am proud of his confidence.  It is so beautiful on him 🙂  My sister is very smart, not books (although she is getting there) but in live …in paths.  My brother, he is also good at listening to himself.  When something dies….he does not keep it alive for the sake of memory.  So his habits and actions, he treats them with the same rule. 
The party was lame.  fake people, everyone staring at everyone else.  I tried to hide but the only hiding spot …was literally under a spotlight.  the vibes were very much against us.  
My staring at flowers did not help.  I caught site of a moth landing on a spider web, getting caught, sedated, wrapped up, and carried away.  My friend, the birthday boy was drunk.  he came and laughed at me playing with the flowers.  I offended him somehow.  He was just too drunk and thought I was picking a fight.  When he laughed about the flowers I thought of how another friend made fun of me for staring at the treetops on my way home from highschool.  yeah!!! they he socked me!! Playing around I know but he’s huge!!! He’s tall like a basketball player.  And I am small.  And I get wound up!!  OOOh it was not cool that he was drunk!  I was so upset.  i didn’t do anything to offend him.  I think he just likes the attention from girls.  Well I know it, but I like to speak, not smile and be coy with my gazes.  I don’t know…….
I don’t understand somethings and it made me sad.  He would grab my face and shake me up.  But its just cause he was drunk.  i felt bad for a moment.  I wanted to ask Cristina what she thought of that moment.  She just said, he was way too drunk.  "Oh my goodness!! I almost forgot that!!  Thank you for reminding me!"   sigh
Those are the moments I hate.  And I think…..do I invite them?  Then I dig back inside and I remember being a little girl and watching as this guy became such a jerk when she wouldn’t dance with him.  He kept bugging her ….. and almost grabbed her face too?  I dont remember so well.  But in my mind I think OOOHHHH   so that is why she is so flighty.  Just shrug it off and KEEP on living in your head.
Did she also stop being friends with those who did it?
I don’t know.
What do I do?  Ok I know I should just never speak to him again.  He hurt my feelings in a way.  Or did i take it too personally?
grrrr
We went to Dennys afterwards, My friend P drove far just like me so I didnt want him to go home on such a bad note. 
I stayed at cristinas house and did not sleep till maybe seven in the morning.  I spent a good 3 hours tossing and turning trying to sleep.   Princess and the pea man! lol