No Crying Matter

" The dangerous thing about listening is that you don’t really know the effect it’s going to have. "

-Tori Amos

Ok well things are starting to get scary. I have been doing laundry and putting together a suitcase. I don’t like this at all. Went out today in search of apartments and rooms for rent. Also thought about looking up at Natures Call ( just a thought) and decided to put up some of Jens pamplets. Mom is scared and is anticipating it. She is going to be going to Barbs. I myself will be staying at AnnMaries for a night and then probably to Mandy’s the next. AnnMaries husband is afraid that my father might pose a threat to his family which is why he doesn’t want me there. I know Jen doesn’t want me to stay with her , and Margie has her husband. I never thought it would be all that hard to find a place to stay for a few days. I have never had to do it but I guess I figured I wouldn’t have a problem . I don’t like the fact I have to switch houses and that I have to go with Mandy do to lack of options. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone but at the same time I kind of feel not wanted. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t really matter. As long as I have a bed thats all that matters. Mom plans on coming back Sunday so just till then. So it’s 2 nights and 3 days. I have thought about getting a hotel but I really want someone around this weekend. I don’t want to be alone, But I also don’t want to have to talk. I kind of just want someone to talk. Like lastnight I tried to start a conversation with Jen. I wanted her to talk to me. I didn’t care about what just to talk. Anything. She could talk about car tires for all I cared. Just someone talk to me. I feel so alone right now it;s not funny. I do my meditations and they make me feel more depressed and upset about the situation. It’s not like I am escaping I am tring not to. I wake up in the mornings and I am off trying to get stuff accomplished. I have been doing that since Thursday when Jen was getting frustrated with me and told me I needed to stop sleeping so much and get a hobby or something. She pretty much pointed out that I wasn’t really doing much of anything. So I have been. At least trying to but I feel I am running around in circles. I have been working to  keep from shutting down. Even at work I don’t want to be there it doesn’t keep my mind off what is going on. It  just brings in money. I am trying so hard to keep for shutting down. I know what makes me feel better and I know I can’t just stay in my room for weeks till everything goes away like I usually do. I sleep all day up for a couple hours at night or so and then back to be. So I have been advoiding all that. Now I just want someone physcially around. you know don’t talk or do I don’t care but just be around . Thats all I want right now. I am having such a hard time feeling loved within my own family. Like this is all my fault, and yeah I know I didn’t have anything to do with it but I still feel it is my fault and that is probably why I am haveing issues with the fact I am having a hard time with not really knowing where I am going for the weekend. I know I am not wanted at AnnMaries even though they say it is ok for the night. Jen says I can use her for a last resort and I think I would have all the hotel rooms in brevard full before I did that to her. I know she doesn’t want me there and honestly I am not her reasponsibility.And Mandy and Eugene are just them . They just got 2 new puppies. Min pins. So I can only imagine what staying with them will be like. I just know that I must be strong, not get upset , not break down, and whatever else I am suppose to do. But I will say I don’t know how much longer I can hold back on the tears. I keep getting to the break of where I am going to cry and I have to push them back. Can’t cry in the car or when dad is home. Can’t cry during meditations because my mind is suppose to be clear, Can’t cry at work for that wouldn’t be professional and can’t cry with mom because I need to be strong for her. She hurts enough without knowing I hurt to.